I’ll try to keep this as concise as possible.
My brother, his wife and 2 kids live in my parents house. The $2300 monthly mortgage is split between my elderly mom and my brother. My mom pays her half with social security and taking out of her IRA. My brother is 50 years old and has been unemployed for the last year. His wife is 37, fully capable and healthy of finding work, but she quit her career years ago to be a stay at home mom.
My brothers wife does not contribute to taking care of her kids. Every time I visit, his wife is up stairs and it’s my brother who is feeding and taking care of the 2 kids (6 and 4). When she does come down, she yells at my brother for not taking care of the kids in a specific way. She regularly fights with him and my parents and storms off to hide upstairs. She has a stronghold on everyone in that house because if they upset her then she throws tantrums.
Anyways, she told my brother to call me today and he said that my parents need help financially because he’s exhausted his savings. I found that a weird statement because my mom is still able to uphold her end of the deal. I said no, and said his wife needs to work and I refuse to help them because I have my own family and kid to take care of.
I’m the youngest of 4 brothers, and currently the only one employed and highly paid due to working in tech. I’m deeply offended that I was asked for money instead of being asked for guidance on how to find work. And I feel like if I cave and help pay, it will just enable my brother and his wife to continue to not do anything and not look for work.
Overall, I’m upset that 2 full grown adults won’t even try to find ANY work to make up that $1150 they need per month to pay rent / mortgage to keep the house. They asked me for $2000 a month and I said fuck you.
Edit: also adding that they’ve been spending $1000+ monthly to send their kids to private Christian school despite having great public schools available. The reason is that they are afraid the public school system will expose them to “wokeness”. Not making this stuff up.
Am I the asshole for having a hard stance on not providing financial assistance to them? I’d also love advice on what I should do here.
Thanks.
Comments
NTA. It’s not your responsibility to support them, especially when other solutions, like his wife getting a job, seem very feasible.
NTA either or both should be hustling anything legal to make money right now.
Grown adults with kids relying on their younger brother to pay the rent, wth. Just guide them or refer them for a job, and tell them this is most you can do.
No. NTA. Period.
Nope NTA. It’s great that you have boundaries! Don’t let anyone including family use you.
If I were you I would kick them out and pay the other half of your mom’s rent just for her peace of mind. What a goddamn nightmare. NTA
They are adults who should be supporting themselves. If you start paying you will be enabling their lazy ass behavior.
if they cant afford that kinda house they should move, no adult should rely on another adult for their needs, regardless of family we all got 24 hours
NTA at all. Two able-bodied adults refusing to work while expecting you to subsidize their lifestyle? That’s ridiculous. Your instinct about enabling them is spot on.
NTA
That is not your responsibility.
NTA. Tell them that you don’t believe in socialism.
Just wondering who these antiwoke entitled people voted for. I assume for someone who proudly wants to cut all social programs bc ‘leftists’ and migrants who only ‘leech off others’ need a stern no
NTA (obviously)
No job for a year, unless he is injured there is no excuse for that. If he can’t find work then she needs to work. You pay 2k a month then when does it end? At most, I will pay your rent for 2 months directly to the mortgage company but then that’s it. Never ask me for money again. Between the 2 of you, someone needs to get a job. But that would you being generous which you don’t have to be.
NTA – It doesn’t take 2 adults to care for 2 children full time. They need a new plan. Is there anything you can do to help your mom into a more sustainable situation? And how elderly is “elderly”? Can you help her by moving her in with you or get her into a smaller place? Is she over withdrawing from her IRA or is it just the distributions necessary to avoid tax consequences?
I would honestly file a report for potential elder abuse.
NTA. Unless you want to be harassed by repeated requests for financial assistance, you need to quit answering your phone, and stop going over to your mother‘s house until your brother gets a job.
If you don’t mind me asking, why are all three of your brothers unemployed?
If they can’t pay up they NEED to leave. Your brother and his baggage are causing your mom SO much stress!!
What happens when they don’t have the money? Is your mom getting put on the streets? Is that the big Ace that they have up their sleeve? If we can’t pay up then mom’s on the street? Or is it that they will never let her see the kids again? Or does your mom get completely guilted into quietly depleting her IRA without telling you?
If you love your mom, you NEED to keep your eye on this situation, sadly. At least they’ve shown their hand, you’re not finding out after Mom is bankrupt. And trust me I know people who have had that situation.
Your brother and his useless wife have NO intention of ever working again . I think loser wife has already made that clear, but – sorry to say – Your brother is now in that camp . Think about it …. He blew through his entire savings before he could find another job . Uber? The grocery store ? Like it’s not that much money , I worked in a movie theater in high school and I probably could have saved that much . These two have realized that it’s going to be impossible to get them out . So, hey, let’s do this, right?
I mean forget about goddamn rent ….. Kids are expensive . Why the hell doesn’t either of them care if they have shoes that fit ? A coat in the winter ? Is your mom paying for that stuff ? Hint…she might be.
I get that you are the one who got out and you’re trying to do your thing. But if you care about your mom you’re going to have to poke your nose in. If he has run through his savings without ever even getting a shitty job…. Then my money is on that this was the play all along. And I also have a suspicion that your mom’s been helping out with money for the kids. Once her IRA is gone… She is screwed.
Best of luck. I’ve seen these people in my own husband’s family…. And it’s still astounds me how awful people can be to their own family.
You’re going to need to be ready for the next move. Super good luck. What assholes. Sorry not you, you’re NTA. But watch out…. This is going to get ugly.
I really do hope that you will be there for your mom, because they are going to guilt the shit out of her.
NTA. Your brother and his wife need to stop sending their kid to an expensive school and both go out and get jobs. They are adults who are responsible for their own finances.
NTA -sorry bro n your mom are getting beat up by the lazy bully of a wife ! Stay Strong on that NO ! remember that NO is a complete sentence: and find mom new digs, she’s got Herself covered !
They have been using your parents and are now trying to use others. No is the only answer
Why isn’t your brother working? I’d have a deep convo with him. Take the kids out. Is he jobless to take care of the kids? Maybe the witch has him in a no win situation and he’s doesn’t see a way out.
Otherwise yeah get them all thrown out
NTA
NTA. People like that will bleed you dry. Something is deeply wrong with your SIL. It sounds like she’s suffering from untreated depression, at a minimum. It inexcusable that they’re spending over $1k/mo on private tuition and claiming they can’t pay $1150/mo for a roof over their head. The really hard part in this is that your Mom is involved. It would be horrific if she lost her house because of her deadbeat son and DIL. Offer to send a budgeting consultant to help them set a budget. It is disgusting that neither of them will work. Maybe you need a family meeting with Mom and all the brothers to hash this out.
Move mom (& dad?) into a more affordable, and smaller, space. Help them with bills if absolutely necessary, on the condition that your brother & his family cannot live there. Your parents can be very comfortable in a nice community for older people, in a 1 bedroom.
Do not, under any circumstances, give your brother money. Or your parents money so long as the brother lives with them.
NTA
NTA-So why isn’t your mother getting on them to pay their own bills? They aren’t your bills, and you have your own family to care for. The size of your income is not the issue, it’s the entitlement of your brother’s wife to even suggest you pay their rent so they can be leeches. Stand your ground and don’t let anyone manipulate or bully you into allowing your brother or SIL to continue to be lazy and poor money managers.
NTA – Your mom should consider moving to a 1 bed apartment, or small house, that’s easy to clean, maintain, and pay for on her own. But most importantly, it would be too small for your brother and his wife to move too!
If your brother has been paying half the mortgage, then I don’t know what his rights are. Is he on the deed? He’ll probably demand at least half if your mom sells, but honestly her quality of life must be so bad living in that environment right now.
Those two fully functioning adults need to wake up and smell the coffee. They are perfectly capable of earning enough money to pay their rent, even if it means their child should be in public school like everyone else. They’ll never learn to support themselves if you pay their rent. You’re really doing them a favor by saying no. You can tell them that.
NTA
Oh hell no, there is just no way I would give my hard earned money to someone that refuses to work.
I have sympathy for the brother that lost his job, but there is no way I can justify supporting his wife that does nothing.
And for her to even have the courage to make my brother call me up to lie to me and say my parents are in financial trouble when it’s just them and just cause of her is so bad, that I would never give them money.
And if their kids education is that important then mom either needs to get a job to cover the cost or homeschool the kids since she doesn’t work.
Nta. If you and mom are on good terms look into getting her away from that mess and letting your brother and wife finally grow up and take care of their own family.
How are they affording to pay for the private school without a job?
The children could pray to God for extra money? Cancel the Christian private school fees ASAP good luck Op
I think you are helping them by not helping them.