Last year of highschool. Supposedly the best one. WELL NOT FOR ME
I’m [18F] in what could be a talking stage with this guy[18M], If I dare get closer or let him in, but I’m scared. We’re not in love, just mutually kinda attracted to each other?
I recently got shunned from my (ex) friend group due to a fight. Ofc this has got me feeling lonely and I expect myself to be miserable during recess most of the time (for the foreseeable future I wanna shed some optimism here😔). This gets me thinking that trying anything romantic with a anyone at school would be a bad idea. I’d feel insecure and self conscious so that’s not the best way to begin a relationship. I don’t want someone with whom I’m testing the waters with to pity me. I don’t want them to feel ashamed of me or feel responsible for me all the time. I’m scared that I’d be interested not out of genuine interest or curiosity, but solely to fill my loneliness, which feels selfish. I want to be in my misery alone, not share it with others. Let them have fun. I also know that this is a guy that looks for long term and I am scared that I can’t be that for him. But you’re not supposed to know that until later right? Right?
I’m saying all this because there was this guy that catched my eye way back. We’re not in love, just simmering in curiosity. I’d say we’re “options” for each other. And I also think that he’s not upgrading past “option” because of my aversion to the idea of a relationship. We started sending reels on insta to each other and I’m trying to keep my distance because of these reasons but It’s got me thinking. Am I doing the right thing? Why do you get in a relationship anyway? Is it for selfish or selfless reasons? Because if I knew that someone got with me only to fill in the loneliness, I’d feel vexed. I’d feel like “huh so it’s not about me. I’m just not special to you”. Do most people even get this thought process
TLDR: Am I hurting myself by believing that relationships sought when I’m lonely are selfish as I’m scared I’ll hurt the other person/devalue them