We’ve been together for 2.5 years, and the past year has been especially hard.
There have been repeated breakups, not long (max a week), but enough to shake the stability of our relationship. Each time we get back together, I feel like a bit more of my energy and hope is chipped away.
I feel I’ve put in a lot over time, but lately, it feels like nothing I do is ever quite enough.
She has very strong expectations, most of which aren’t communicated as she thinks “if he wanted to he would”. And I’d only find out later if I did something wrong. The issue is, she expresses disapproval easily but never says anything good which has made me so demotivated. I’ve gone from trying hard to barely trying at all, as I feel totally burnt out.
After our most recent breakup, which lasted a few weeks. She was away with family so we didn’t resolve things. I genuinely accepted that it was over as I was tired of all the fallouts. She didn’t as she was distracted with her family on holiday. When she came back home she asked to meet again, I told her I couldn’t keep doing this cycle. So she assured me this time and that she’s sure about me (even if I had hurt her) and doesn’t want to keep breaking up. Those are things she’s never said before, and it meant something. She keeps expressing these days how she wants to spend more time with me etc.
The problem is… I still feel flat. I care about her a lot, and there’s many amazing qualities she has, and I finally feel like she’s said the words I’ve wanted to hear, but I just feel so burnt out with the instability causing me to not put in any effort – which has lead to her being frustrated (and rightly so).
Part of me feels guilty because she’s trying now, but I’m the one who’s checked out. But same time it feels wrong to give up. On top of this, she lives alone after falling out with her brother, and her best friend has also moved far away. So if we ever breakup, it would be terrible timing since she’s alone without any support.
How do I tell her that I’m burnt out?
TL;DR – repeated breakups have caused me to lose hope and motivation, but I still care for my GF a lot and unsure if breakup is the solution. What to tell her?
Comments
Tell her repeated breakups have caused burnout for you and you need consistency to start the repair.
Reassure her that if you see consistent positive examples (to replace the negative ones), you will grow your love and patience again:
You tell her exactly this. These are the words I would wish to hear from my ex, but he kept everything inside, broke up with me and I never got a solid answer as to why. But I expect he felt something like this. I never got the chance to adress it properly.
It’s clear that you are having trouble maintaining self respect and boundaries in your relationship.
It’s absolutely true that if one side uses love and hope to subvert our boundaries then we lose a sense of self and end up working in a relationship that fundamentally doesn’t serve us, but rather only takes care of our partner’s needs.
If she wants to be with you, then she needs to ALSO- CONSISTENTLY put effort in to improve the communication and relationship.
Unspoken expectations are the death of many relationships. Only finding your own purpose and strength in yourself will allow you to make decisions which support your own needs – and this is CRITICAL for the relationship to work.
The fact is this is as true now as it is with any possible future relationship.
Can you look at the situation and realize you have work to do to prevent it getting as bad as it did?
Can you spend some time in this relationship learning to take responsibility for your own needs and not give in every time she asks, just because you love her?
If you can, perhaps you can work ok those things in this context while being absolutely clear to her that she needs to do better to be support you in your needs.
Perhaps if you go this way, you learn to handle yourself better no matter if this relationship works out or not.
Make firm boundaries.
Follow through with consequences.
Don’t be an AH about it, yet stop being a pushover.