TL;DR: My GF has a friend she had sex with for an extended period of time. I tried to set some boundaries and agreed to two compromises. I think I feel slightly better but remain extremely uncomfortable and would appreciate advice on how to keep handling the situation without crossing the border of becoming controlling.
Rundown of the most important facts:
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He’s part of a discord friend/gaming group she visits every year. All of them live abroad in the same region.
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Only her, him and one other guy in the group knows they had something going.
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She told me that there wasn’t mutual interest to deepen their relationship in an attempt to calm my anxiety. The poopy part is that he was the unmutual part as she was the one who had more interest.
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He initiated intimacy around New Years Eve but she declined.
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I talked to her about it and tried to set some boundaries. He’s the guy she used to crash at which would make me very uncomfortable in the future. Meetings that are one on one would also make me uncomfortable. They started hooking up because she vented to him about her sex life and he seemed to have been the solution because they kept things going for a bout a year. I told her that I’d prefer all flirtiness and sexual talk to be absent in their dynamic.
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She agreed to them all but the way she did it didn’t make me feel very safe. Stuff like “I probably wouldn’t crash at his place anymore because I’m with you now.” and her telling me that she didn’t know how she felt about our conversation after I asked didn’t make me feel much better.
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We talked about it again last night and she mentioned two situations in which them being one on one might be likely in and asked whether I’d be comfortable with them. One of them being him picking her up from the airport if nobody else can and the other being whether she could hang out with him if the others are still at work but he isn’t while she’s there. I assume that hanging out would occur one on one in his apartment. She was really patient and forthcoming with my other boundaries so I agreed to those. They don’t make me comfortable but I think compromise is necessary in this case.
Here’s the thing that’s bothering me I think: If the roles were reversed, I’d agree to these things without question and do everything in my power to make her feel both more secure and comfortable with the situation.
Plus I genuinely don’t know whether my jealousy and discomfort will fade with time although I hope it will. I’m willing to work on myself in order to achieve that.
Are my boundaries unreasonable?
And are her mentioned exceptions to those boundaries reasonable?
Am I being controlling and how do I manage to calm down and let myself feel more at ease with the situation?