Me: 33M
Partner: 31F
Together for 4 years
A while back, I was honest with my partner (calling her X) about a situation at work: a colleague of mine made two very clear sexual advances toward me. I shut it down both times. Didn’t engage, didn’t flirt, didn’t lead her on. And I told X about it straight up when she expressed some insecurity about this colleague, because I believe in being clear about anything that could affect our trust. And because I would never lie straight to her face like that.
But that honesty came with a cost!
It made X pretty uneasy about this woman. Not irrationally. She respected that I shut it down, but it definitely left a mark emotionally.
Fast-forward to now: I recently got sent on a mission. Nothing romantic, just work. What I didn’t tell X is that the same colleague was assigned to it too. She was with me for the trip. I didn’t choose it. I didn’t do anything wrong while we were there. Neither did she. There was no weirdness or emotional energy between us. But I made a call not to tell X that the woman was there. Not before, not during, not after.
Why?
Because I thought she’d spiral. That it would stress her out for no reason. I figured i’m not doing anything wrong, this isn’t a betrayal, it doesn’t change anything, so why stir up anxiety?. That was my logic.
Now that I’ve had space to sit with it, I’m wondering if I crossed a line by staying silent. I wasn’t dishonest in terms of my behavio but I did take away her ability to process it in real time. I made the choice for her.
So here’s what I’m trying to figure out:
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Would you want to know if someone who once hit on your partner was back in close quarters with them for work… even if nothing happened?
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If your partner didn’t tell you until way later (or you found out some other way), would that break your trust?
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Is saying something now the respectful move, or just me trying to manage my own guilt???
Not looking to be told I’m a saint or a monster. Just want some outside perspective from people who’ve navigated gray areas like this.
TL;DR:
31M. I told my 29F partner a while ago that a colleague made two sexual advances toward me. I shut them down, didn’t cheat, and have kept boundaries clean. Recently, that same colleague was assigned to a work trip with me. I didn’t tell my partner she was there, thought it would just make her spiral even though nothing happened. Now I feel conflicted.
Did I do the right thing by staying quiet, or did I betray trust by deciding what was “worth” sharing?
Comments
Your partner would feel you betrayed trust, right?