My mother dislikes every woman i date.

I (23, m) have an Eastern European mother who loves me quite obsessively. She’s not exactly a helicopter parent, but her entire sense of purpose seems to revolve around being a mother — making sure her children grow up safe and successful.

I’ve always had a thing for alt-girls. So, visually speaking, almost every girl I’ve dated has been an immediate red flag to my mom.

But for her, the personality of the girl doesn’t even matter. She’s not interested in exploring who they really are. The moment she sees something that doesn’t fit into her narrow image of what a “good, nice girl” should look like (which is mostly based on conservative stereotypes), that girl is put in a mental box — and she stays in that box permanently.

It doesn’t matter how loving, supportive, or healthy the girl is. It doesn’t matter how good our relationship is. Once she decides she doesn’t like someone, that dislike is intense and immovable.

She starts imagining things — projecting her own fears onto the relationship. Any mistake I make, or any choice she disagrees with, she traces back to the girl’s “influence.” Once a girl is labeled, that label sticks.

I’ve had some turbulent years. So I get that my mom is worried about my future. I didn’t always make things easy for her. I know she wants the best for me. And I respect that.

But I’ve developed a very different mindset than hers.

My mother’s life was shaped by hard labor — especially sacrifices she made for me and my sister to be happy. She worked herself to the bone so we could have more.

And I did. I had the privilege of dreaming about different futures. Of wanting to explore life beyond survival and structure.

But she seems terrified of that. Of me taking any kind of risk. I think she expects the woman in my life to “keep me in line” — to reflect her values, to be maternal in some way.

But I don’t want that.

Whatever I do with my life is my responsibility. I’m not looking for someone to control me. I want someone with their own mind, their own opinions, their own approach to life — someone who fascinates me. Not someone who becomes “Mother 2.0.”

But in her mind, the things she sees as good and valuable are just objectively good and valuable. And if someone disagrees, she thinks something is wrong with them for not seeing it her way — or “the normal way.”

I think she’s stuck with an image of me as the boy I was at 13 or 14 — when I was trying hard to fit in just to avoid being made fun of. Those were some of the most miserable years of my life. That pain led to drug use, then psychosis, then recovery — and eventually, I pulled my life back together. I’ve still had my struggles, but years of meditation and therapy helped.

It took a long time, but I’ve rebuilt. I’m finally getting my Abitur (which is basically the German high school diploma) this year.

So yes — there are real reasons why my mom would be deeply concerned about me. I understand that.

But at the same time, through that journey i’ve learned to express myself more freely. I’ve learned not to care so much about what other people think — at least, not to the same extent.

And I think my mom hasn’t gone through that same process. She’s strong in other ways, but when it comes to appearances, work ethic, and traditional markers of success, she’s very conformist.

I don’t judge that. It was the right path for her.

But now it feels like she sees my character — my style, my life choices — as just symptoms of my past mental health struggles. As if I’d still be that obedient, people-pleasing boy if I hadn’t gone through all that.

It’s like she’s trying to “get him back.”

She can’t seem to understand that people grow and change. And she especially can’t seem to believe that I might actually like who I am now — or find meaning in the way I live.

To her, that just doesn’t make sense. Because if everyone else is doing things her way, then her way must be the right way. The good way. The way to follow.

She always looks to what the “surrounding” is doing. That’s her compass.

And I think she views women the same way.

A few days ago, she told me she thinks I only date “weird girls” because I don’t believe I’m good enough for “normal” ones. That’s such a strange, backward view of the world to me.

I’ve tried talking with her. I’ve explained what I see in the women I date. Tried to open her eyes.

Maybe, over time, she’ll come to see that things can work out — even if they don’t follow her expectations. Maybe she’ll see that I’m okay.

But I wish it didn’t have to be this hard.

Does anyone here have any ideas on how to approach this situation differently? Any advice ?