I’ve (30m) been dating my girlfriend (30f) for about 3 months now. She’s an amazing woman with a toddler from a previous relationship. The situation with her ex is that she has full custody, but he’s allowed to see the child once a week. The catch is she doesn’t trust him to be alone with their child, so she tags along for the whole day.
I completely respect the importance of co-parenting, but the part that’s been tough for me is that their days together often feel like date days: lunch, dinners, walks, theme parks, movies, etc. Basically, a full day of family activities, which are similar to what I do with her and her daughter, yet I only get to see them at night for a few hours, never a full day together like they do.
To make things harder, she becomes very distant to me on those days. I won’t hear from her for hours or at all, and maybe get a short message at the end of the day. It leaves me feeling pushed aside, almost like I don’t exist when she’s with him. I occupy myself on those days and stay busy, but it still makes me uncomfortable.
What really gets to me is the emotional tone, it feels like a lot more than just logistical parenting. I know she says she’s over him, but if I were to see them out together with their kid, going for a walk or sharing a meal, I know I’d feel left out, or like a third wheel. In some ways, it feels like they’re playing house one day a week, and I’m the outsider. Almost like she puts her ex above her current boyfriend.
To top it off, she still has pictures of them together on one of her social media accounts, which she hasn’t added me on. I haven’t made a big deal about it, but it adds to the feeling that the past hasn’t really been put to rest.
I know I need to talk to her about it, but I’m stuck. I don’t want to come off as jealous, insecure, or controlling. But at the same time, I don’t know if I can keep ignoring how it makes me feel. I value open communication and normally handle difficult conversations well, but this one feels like a lose-lose.
If nothing changes after bringing it up, I’m worried I’ll just silently build resentment. But if I don’t bring it up, I feel like I’m disrespecting my own emotional boundaries.
On the positive side of things, we have an amazing time and dynamic when we’re together, and communicate well on the days he’s not present. Her toddler really likes me as well and enjoys spending time with me. She also tries to ‘damage control’ by sending me a short but sweet message at the end of those days, yet it seems like a bandaid, a way to keep me complacent and avoid actual conflict yet she knows what she’s doing and that I’m upset.
How do I approach this conversation without it backfiring or making things worse? Or is this just one of those situations where I need to decide whether I can live with it long term and its fully something I have to accept. It just feels overall disrespectful to me as her current partner, and I know if the roles were reversed, I had a kid and spent the day out with my ex and ignored her, she’d be upset by it too. Realistically, who wouldn’t be offput by this?
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I’m more concerned that she’s introduced you to her toddler just three months in, and less concerned about the fact that she goes on one day a week of amicable platonic activities with her child and her child’s father. And it’s not like she ignores you on these days; you admit she does text you, just not as much as you like, which is normal once a week for people who have a life (even without a child and a coparent involved). I think you need to really think about whether you’re prepared (and frankly, mature and secure enough) for a relationship with someone who has an active, involved coparenting relationship with their ex. She’s doing nothing wrong, at least as far as her relationship with the ex is concerned. Therefore I’m not sure what discussing this with her would solve; this is a you issue, and trying to make this about her just three months in, when she has a small kid and an ex to juggle, is not going to be a good look for you.
Lol.
You’ve been dating this woman for 3 months. Frankly I’m appalled you’ve met her child already.
But even so, she has a toddler and you allegedly only see them at night. How many walks and theme parks and lunches and movies have you done together?
They are and always will be a family and you are acting like a needy child.
Grow up.
I think you need to decide if dating a parent is something that you can handle emotionally. Also, her introducing you to her kid so soon is a yellow flat at the very least. It is one day a week where she doesn’t text you as much as you’d like. You can certainly bring it up and see if there’s any compromise to be made as far as her frequency in texting, but I think besides that, you need to decide what else if anything you are looking to get out of a conversation with her about this.
You don’t say how long ago they broke up, but he’s never going to be ‘in the past’. They co-parent, there will always be times where you will take a back seat to that dynamic for the sake of the kid. Again, you really need to think if this is the kind of relationship you want to be in.
This is too much for such a short relationship and you should have not have even met this child 3 months in – thats highly irresponsible. Her child’s father will always be part of her life and it seems like it would be too much for you (& thats ok), so youre better off dating someone without a child.