Im recently postpartum and living with my partner and my parents.
Ive been constantly nagging and asking for him to do better in many aspects (health, efforts, initiatives) which have been met with minimal if not any change, Ive expressed my vulnerability at this stage in my life and how I need to feel loved and cared for, but he hasnt done that, (I.E plan a date, write a note, express his support and love for me) I feel invisible.
Along with simple things like, clean the clothes, brush your teeth, walk the dog? I feel I constantly have to micromanage him or stuff will sit for weeks unfortunately….
Be it, he is in between jobs and is constantly studying cyber security while gaming (it works best for him as he states he probably has adhd and the study is quite hard and intensive) in hopes to extend my maternity leave and support us as money is a high stress point for me.
His statements usually follow with me never being happy enough or setting goal posts but moving them once he’s achieved them, along with me being too stressed about money (we have half an income and a mortgage and he spent more on himself for his gaming setup a month before my first mothers day)
Im just feeling extremely burnt out and exhausted with the baby and the relationship issues, I’m just not sure if Im dramatising everything with postpartum hormones or if it is what it is.
We have been together 7 years, and for 4ish years it was the most phenomenal relationship one could ask for.
He says he cant change as he’s a consistent man, I know everyone can change it’s just about effort and willingness….
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Congratulations, you’re a single mom with 2 children.
I would say it’s both. Maybe a build up of not being acknowledged for a while, and this is the time you really need it. Not acknowledging your feelings by saying you’ll never be happy enough etc is something to look out for, as well as not wanting to plan a date.
I am learning this the hard way. I would try couples counselling because he might not understand his role to listen and acknowledge.
I tried with my partner, he was the same. I couldn’t suggest anything to him to make me feel appreciated. Several months of counselling and I’m seriously considering leaving because he disagrees that he shouldn’t get so defensive over everything I ask of him. He also has explosive anger issues and blames me in a roundabout way for this so I’m not suggesting you consider leaving without a really good crack and trying to fulfil his needs and doing therapy first, or some YouTube videos together about communication and working on your relationship.
Two teenagers started dating at 17 and 18. One grew up and the other didn’t. This relationship will not get better. You are exhausted and he can’t be bothered to care. You can’t motivate or influence those unwilling to change. There are no magic words that will suddenly make him wake up and see the stress you are under. He sees it. He doesn’t care.
Being a single mom would be easier because you’d only have to take care of yourself plus a baby, and not a man too.
the most important part of this whole thing is that he said he can’t change. no matter what you say or do, this behavior won’t stop and that’s something you need to think about. yes, everyone CAN change but he’s telling you that he won’t regardless of how you feel or how his actions affect you. you’re not dramatising anything and it doesn’t sound like you have postpartum depression but your current situation can definitely effect your mental health and you can begin experiencing PPD. i would rethink the relationship
Ican honestly say it was completely unsettling that there really is a pattern to the behavior you’re seeing..
if he doesn’t start pulling himself together
I can tell you that it does just keep pulling further out of line
oh beware and take your parents advice…. I think I took that exact ride 3 times and no one was there to help me…. (16yrs later) now I’m basically unable to work ..I got him a job as a store manager… it’s not that he’s still at that job.. but once I offered to help him my schedule no longer existed.
All the zero effort that he put into everything around him… remained.
he has partially cooperated a few times when $$ got tight
so I would work full time and do all the same things ..
at 6:30am if leave for my “lunch break.”.. and rush to take the kids to school… meanwhile having to be sweet and kind to him…if he wakes up and smiles as I rush through
look at yourself in the future imagine yourself running in the bedroom @ 3:00 a.m. .. he is awake playing online … no big deal he’ll sleep fine in a little bit… and you walk back out to sleep on the couch… he needs to be quiet for this game…
the first you wanted to watch something to get sleepy..
But now , since u weren’t there….. he’s playing a loud game. one of the ones he shouts out even when he wears his headset
back to a work day…
which at 7:00 a.m. (while waking the kids up) he is sleeping..
and if you don’t sound happy he’s going to progressively believe you just don’t like him.
and if u want him to wake up and get them ready…… how will he do everything!!!!
and if he doesn’t see why you would complain now…. it does compound over the years.
we get by and don’t live with the parents
but I can’t buy anything for myself. as saying I was the one with the house the one with the job the one w the life experience..one with tons of great friends … (even if I was busy as a new mom, they would check in)
and it’s scary what you describe is how I feel now and how I felt then.
and it has been one hell of a bumpy ride because I haven’t been completely complacent sitting ever so pretty…
wait until you give everything up
and all the money and all the months and months of full-time work.. overnight work because ,you know ,I have to be available…
not because he wouldn’t necessarily help but because he sleeps through important alarms..
(eventually convinced) that’s your job to be his backup….. if you decided to get a job (you know ,need money) that’s on you…. you don’t ‘have to work’
he can’t ‘ help it.’ he’s sleeping heavily.
he wouldn’t change his alarm then… and even though it doesn’t work for him, he won’t change his alarm now.
he will appreciate u so much
but ….. a very honest very dark very real thing… you cannot guarantee those parents will be there next year 🙏😔😮💨
I suggest love their advice
I suggest if he doesn’t make progress insist that he moves out and becomes independent so you two can have nice dates and you get back together with more money… honestly it’s really to see if he’s going to really make progress.
if he genuinely wants to, it will be harder for him to get to comfortable… what I have learned is that you need to draw that fight out of him. gamers have that… but it needs to be constructive.
I know it’s healthy but if he has to work where he will more likely appreciate working with you later