So I (16f) has a wonderful bf (16m), we’ve been dating for 7 months and he’s the first guy ive dated in over a year after my toxic ex and he’s an amazing guy, he is genuinely just everything I want, one issue has recently occurred though, for background before we had dated we were friends, he trusted me a lot and would always mention that, im not going to get into anything but he was incredibly depressed before we had started dating and he says I had “saved” him in a way, he’s been very seemingly okay and happy for months since now but he’s now seeming to creep back into depression, he constantly talks down on himself, saying he’s fat and stupid or that he doesn’t deserve me, or just a lot of depressing things, and he does have a rough time in school, he gets bullied & has bad grades, but I’ve been trying my best to help him and reassure him that I love him and that the things he says are untrue (which they are he’s a lanky tall guy and he’s really into science), he keeps collapsing while texting me at night and in the mornings when he messages me he gets so sad over it and says sorry more times than I can count, I try to telk him he doesn’t need to say sorry and that its okay but I feel as I don’t have power, I can’t say anything that helps in the long term and i dont know what to do now, i love him so dearly and I just want him to be happy but I dont know how to help anymore.
TL;DR: bf keeps speaking negatively about himself and i dont know how to help him anymore as my words dont affect long term
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he needs to see a therapist. these are serious self-worth issues that you alone cannot fix for him. being in a relationship is not a salve that will cure all the underlying problems he has with himself
In all honesty he needs professional help, you shouldn’t have to carry the weight of his issues by yourself especially being so young. Maybe guide him towards counselling or therapy so he can get the correct help for himself.
The first thing you will have to learn is, that you can’t do anything about it. You can be there for him and reassure him like you do, but thats about it. Most people that are either depressed or suffer from depression are not in a functional state of mind to uphold a relationship, most of the time, the thoughts eat you away on top of that. It is exactly what you are witnessing. The selfdoubt drowns any sense of reasoning.
What you can do are basically 2 things.
Try to get him to therapy, perhaps talk with your family members to ease your own heart, if you have a close connection with your own i’d definetely advise that. But you have to understand that you advising your partner to seek therapy is nothing more than an advise. He has to do the decision with a mindset of “I want to be better for myself” not a “I want to be better for her”. Therapy isn’t easy, facing your own reflection isn’t easy. But it is the only thing that really helps.
The more sad option, leaving him. One does not magically get better. It can happen, if his current mindset is tied to stress, problems in his family or anything other temporary which is overloading his brain. But if it is a normal state of mind that has been there for the last couple months like you said, it seems to be less of a temporary problem. You can stay with him for a long time. But don’t let it break you. Listen to yourself and stay true to yourself. We all want the best for the people we love, but at the end of days we only have ourselves. So don’t lose yourself.
That is all i can say, all i want to say, i suffered for 4 years of depression, saw my partner break because of it, and worked the sht out of myself after the break up. I will never ever see a spark fade away due to my own problems.
This relationship is also toxic, just in a different way than your ex was.
He was “better” when you started dating because the honeymoon phase and rush of a new relationship can mask a lot of issues. It was a temporary distraction, now it’s over and it’s never coming back.
What you’re left with is a person who needs professional help. You can’t fix him, you can only motivate him to seek that help. But you also can’t force him to get help. And if he refuses and you stay with him hoping for him to magically get better, sooner or later he’ll just drag you down with him.