Hi everyone,
I really need to get this off my chest because I feel so alone and confused. I (19M) have been dating my girlfriend (18F) for about 4 months now. We’ve been talking for over 7 months and hanging out for more than 6. I genuinely love her so much — she’s my best friend, my safe place, and we even lost our virginities to each other because it felt right and real.
The problem is my family. I was raised in a very strict Christian Russian household. My parents always expected me to find a Christian Russian girl from church to marry, stay pure until marriage, and basically follow all the traditional rules. I was homeschooled until junior year, so I’ve only recently started really living my own life.
My girlfriend is American and not religious. She’s the opposite of what my parents wanted. When they found out about her, they weren’t happy at all. They gave me an ultimatum: either live in their house and follow all their rules, or move out. So I moved out and now live with my uncle.
Her family, on the other hand, loves me. I spend a lot of time with them — they treat me like family, her parents trust me, her dogs love me, I get along with her brother and sister. It feels like home to me in a way mine hasn’t for a long time.
But I feel this deep guilt and fear all the time. My parents and grandparents act like I’m throwing my life away because I’m not “pure” anymore and I’m not with a girl they approve of. My grandpa told me I’m flushing my life down the drain and need to confess my sins — implying sex before marriage. They don’t know for sure we’ve had sex but they suspect it.
On top of that, my girlfriend really wishes she could meet my family and feel accepted by them, just like I’m accepted by hers. But I can’t see how that would go well right now — my parents would probably judge her immediately and it would just hurt her. So I keep putting it off, and I feel guilty about that too.
I’m also terrified because so many men in my family have had broken marriages or relationships. My uncle’s wife left him and took his kids. A lot of my friends’ girlfriends have left them too. I keep thinking: What if my girlfriend leaves me too? What if everyone’s right and I end up alone, with nothing? She says she loves me, I can see she does — but I still feel so scared sometimes.
I love her so much. I want to build a life with her. But I feel torn in half between my family’s expectations and my own heart. I feel guilty for not being the perfect son and scared that I’m doing everything wrong.
How do I handle this? How do I forgive myself for “disappointing” my family? How do I deal with this fear that she’ll leave me like everyone says she will? Should I try to bridge things with my parents — or just accept they might never approve? I feel so lost and would really appreciate any advice.
Thank you for reading this — I really needed to let it out.
TL;DR:
I’m 19M, my girlfriend (18F) is amazing but my strict religious Russian family disapproves of her and wants me to follow their rules instead. I moved out but feel guilty for not being the “perfect son.” I’m scared of losing her too because I’ve seen so many relationships fail around me. I feel torn between my family and my heart. How do I handle this guilt and fear?