I (36M) work in an office with a coworker (33F) and until recently, our work environment has been pretty friendly, which has me questioning whether or not I’m truly an asshole in this situation.
My coworker Nadia (not her real name) just came back from vacation in her home country yesterday. She is from Nigeria and visits about twice a year. Each time she goes she comes back refreshed, happy, and loves to show me pictures from her trip. I can see the joy it brings her, so I usually just go along with it and tell her how happy I am she got to have a break from work. However, every time she talks about the vacation, she tells me I have to visit and gives me a bunch of recommendations for food places since she knows I’m a foodie. I usually just smile and say “Maybe someday.”
This time, after showing me the pictures, Nadia gave me a list of places to go to and said that I have to go soon while we can still travel there. That I “can’t put it off like I have for the past couple years.”
This time, I flat out told her that I wouldn’t be going. Nadia rolled her eves and said “American men always want to travel to Europe and South America, but never want to visit the mother land.”
When she said this, I was pretty taken aback. For context, I’m an openly gay ethnically Caribbean man. Nadia knows this, has met my partner at work events, and has generally been very sweet and cordial to us both. I spent half of my childhood/adolescence in the Caribbean in a really homophobic environment. I have seen gay men there brutally assaulted, some have even gone missing and their families have kept it under wraps because they never wanted their neighbors to know they had a queer child. I constantly had to be looking over my shoulder and keep my mouth shut to avoid the same thing.
I asked Nadia if she knew that being gay was still criminalized there. She said “Yes, but it’s mainly sexual acts that are punished, so if you avoid that you should be fine.” I told her that if I’m going on vacation, I’m going with my partner, and I have no interest in going on vacation to a place where I can’t be intimate with my partner. I said that it would make no sense to spend that much money to not feel safe and I’d rather just go to places where I can relax and not have to look over my shoulder constantly to make sure I’m not about to be imprisoned for 14 years simply for who I love.
Nadia paused and said “Oh… okay…” and went back to her desk. I thought that was the end of it, but the next day my supervisor called me to their office. They informed me that they had gotten a complaint about me for “discriminatory comments regarding someone’s nationality”, that I was being written up and a formal complaint would be escalated to HR. I explained the situation to the supervisor and he said he understood where I was coming from and would not escalate the complaint, but still wanted me to sign the write up.
I told him that I would not be signing anything, that despite being openly gay I should never have had to disclose my sexual orientation to him in the first place, and that if I was ever called into his office for something this stupid again I would have nothing to say but “Speak to my lawyer.” After hearing that, he backed down and said he would have a “talk” with Nadia.
This all just happened, I haven’t seen Nadia yet, but I’m actually pretty shocked it came to this. We have been friendly for years, and are the only two black people in the office. I thought I had a work buddy and a chill work place, but now I don’t even know what to think. Was what I said actually discriminatory? Should I talk to Nadia and see if we can resolve this? AITAH? Would really appreciate any advice on how I should move forward.
TLDR: Coworker tells me (gay) to go vacation in homophobic country, escalates to supervisor/HR when I tell her no.
Comments
NTA – you were being polite about her trips but she was pushing too far and you had no choice but to give an EXTREMELY valid reason for not wanting to visit a country that is not safe for gay people.
Also bravo on your handling of this with HR. You got some balls on you.
NTA as a nigerian myself i get why you’d avoid going there, not only are lgbtq+ people targeted but also women. You have every right to decline for fear of your safety. Nadia is weird for reporting you.
NTA.
I am so sorry you’re going through this. NTA at all.
You’re not comfortable going to someplace that frowns upon gay acts, and apparently it’s illegal, but the friend wanted to keep band-aiding it.
“No sexual acts.” Normally when you go on vacation or travel to different places that enacts the sexual acts more, it’s called a vacation for a reason. It’s called a getaway for a reason.
I don’t blame you at all for not wanting to visit your friends home country.
NTA. What you said wasn’t discriminatory at all. You told her the truth and you’ve seen what happens to LGBTQIA people who go to places that aren’t accepting of them. It’s natural that you would be wary. It was also rude of her to be pushy about going to visit her home country. If you can’t resolve with her and it continues, I wanted to say, I used to work for the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (US EEOC) and we dealt with a lot of discrimination cases in the workplace. If you ever decide to escalate, you can always go to them. But if you decide to go to them, do it before visiting a lawyer. If you go to a lawyer first and then to go them they won’t be able to do anything for you. Document everything and continue to go thru your chain of command (supervisors, hr, etc)
Good for you for not signing that write up. They weren’t doing anything to prevent discrimination, they were just caving in to the first person who showed up at their office angry. They just wanted to shut you up to make the problem go away, not actually accomplish anything.
You’re NTA in the slightest here. Even if you weren’t gay, you are under no obligation to visit a part of the world you have no interest in just because your coworker told you you have to. Dafuq even is that? You didn’t bring race into it at all, she did. She played the race card hoping it would get you in more trouble.
I’d be looking for a new job if I were in your shoes, or filing a complaint against her. She has now created a hostile work environment where you can’t help but feel uncomfortable and constantly walking on eggshells for fear of her taking retribution on you for being gay and not wanting to be murdered.
NTA. You don’t have to explain to anyone why you don’t want to go anywhere (double negative?). She was pushing it by insisting you go there. I have lots of friends who go to places I either have no interest in or moral/political objections to. I don’t stand on my soapbox and go on about them. What you said wasn’t discriminatory…it was fact.
Her running to her boss was childish and inappropriate. I have to commend you on your cool and collected response.
NTA
Sometimes you have to tell people that their country is a shithole
NTA. Honestly you probably want to head down to HR and make sure all this is documented.
Talk to a lawyer now.
NTA, I mean really, who’d want to visit a place where they might get hurt just for being themselves?
NTA and good for you telling him you’d lob the lawyer at your boss if they pulled that BS again.
No, what you said was in no way discriminatory. It almost seems as if Nadia wanted you to have to explain yourself to HR. And to that end, I’m surprised HR even took it seriously. Where someone chooses to vacation and why is no one else’s business. You should not have even been called in. How you handled the situation was perfect.
Nadia is wild AF. Is she that married to her country that she’d defend it even when it’s clearly problematic in certain contexts (as are most, if not all countries)?
You told her facts and are therefore the farthest from an asshole.
Again, NTA.
Hell yeah dude!!! Shiny spine.
Totally NTA. I’m not gay and would shut down any suggestion that I visit a country with laws like that.
NTA. She’s not terribly bright but she is terribly annoying. And it’s easy for her to tell you that you SHOULD be fine, because she won’t be dealing with the fallout if you’re not. I suggest contacting one of the legal aid groups like the ACLU or Southern Poverty Law.
NTA but the silver lining is that you have a good reason to distance yourself from her. You do not have to defend anything you said. Nadia stuck her nose where it did not belong, got her feathers ruffled, and chose to lash out. Do you really need this person in your life?
NTA beware of Nadia. She should’ve apologized for being so clueless. Instead she filed a complaint. Beware. She’s a giant 🚩
Nta. Nigeria is dangerous and not really a “tourist” place. She’s delusional.
Not nigerian but from another african country where it is illgal. I would not recommend any of my gay friends to go. Why risk it for no reason. There are many great places in the world. The crazy thing to is your work taking her side after you explaining everything. If they invite you again please voice record the meeting to make sure they dont try change narritive
Do NOT sign the write up.
Tell your supervisor/HR you want it IN WRITING that he “understands” your point and WHY he won’t escalate the complaint.
I would even file a counter-complaint based on “discriminatory actions regarding someone’s private life”. It doesn’t have to escalate but I would want that in HR’s file.
NTA and I would step back from Nadia. Remain professional (difficult, I’ve been there) but give her absolutely no reason to let this continue. Believe me, now that she has pulled this trigger, she will slip up and probably say/do something questionable.
Don’t speak to her unless it’s about the job. That she would go to HR and make a complaint is very odd behavior. If you speak to her it’s just going to escalate. It’s just unfathomable that she shows such a lack of understanding for your situation.
Make sure you have it in writing that HR understands your point, and that it’s in the file. Do not sign the write up, it will be seen as you agreeing to what you were accused of. Personally, I would make a complaint against her behavior. It doesn’t have to go anywhere, but to have it on file. She’ll be less likely to pull something if she knows you will respond in kind. And HR will be less likely to write you up. Also, did the HR person question her spending so much time on personal matters in the office?
You’re the one that prob should be reporting her. Whatever you do, only speak to her for work. Don’t engage into conversation about this subject or anything else personal. Keep your distance, as clearly you can’t trust her. NTA
Why do people assume it’s ok to impose their likes on others? It’s lovely that she loves where she’s from. She should. But assuming that everyone black would obviously want to visit her motherland is ridiculous. Assuming everyone black considers Africa to be their motherland is a little out there too. NTA. You did the right thing. She thinks being a black woman she gets to stir shit against a black gay man? With falsehoods? Geez. I would stay away and not have a conversation with her one on one to avoid anything else in the future.
You know you can’t trust her now.
She will try and ice you out. Because that’s what nasty women in the workplace do.
I’m not gay but I would never visit Nigeria.
updateme
NTA, Dont talk to nadia without a lawyer, if you were a white gay guy also it would not be safe for you as you told her.
What the world have becomes, someone choice of vacation is called discrimination & reported to HR
This is not a you issue, this is a Nadia issue. Her first mistake was trying to force you to visit her country without actually asking if was of interest to you. Then, to get upset because you don’t want to go there (for extremely valid reasons), is ridiculous. You don’t even need a reason to not want to go somewhere. Reporting you was petty and mean spirited.
NTA. I’m half Nigerian and have gone several times, and while I love my home country, there’s no reason you have to go, even if it didn’t criminalize your life.
You don’t have to go to any country you don’t want to, especially one that would potentially put you in jail for being who you are.
And kudos for how you handled the HR situation.
Regarding Nadia, you could try and have a conversation with her, but it seems unlikely she would be open to your perspective.
The fact that she reported you for what you said (which was definitely not discriminatory about Nigeria, just stating facts) says a lot about her, and none of it good.
It’s one thing to be a little hurt when somebody doesn’t want to go to your home country (which is your right), it’s a whole other thing to jeopardize their job over it.
Your reason for not wanting to go is VERY valid. I would never go to a country where I risk imprisonment simply for being myself.
Facts aren’t “discriminatory comments.” What the everloving fuck.
Obviously NTA, OP.
NTA. She was probably just trying to get you to go with her next time and pay for her plane tickets.
Nta, I think she is more upset you labeled the whole country as homophobic. I’m Jamaican and it’s illegal to be gay there but no one actually cares. My gay cousins and go still go back all the time without problems, if I asked one of my gay friends to come and say no because my country is homophobic I would feel some type of way but that’s her choice to label all Jamaicans as that🤷🏽♀️
NTA and stay away from Nadia! She almost sounds like she’d set you up if you actually went to her home country. She reported you to HR for, in essence, being honest?? So why wouldn’t she report you for her hidden dam homophobia?!
Don’t speak to her about anything going forward. Not even good morning! Give Nosy Nark Nadia the head nod and keep it moving.
NTA. She was out of line for reporting you for speaking truth. You are 100% right in saying you wouldn’t travel to a place that you could potentially die or jailed for simply loving a person. I’d report her for harassing you about it. Eff being friendly that’s long gone the second she complained about you defending your right to live! Be civil but that’s it no friendliness outside of work. Nothing just do your job and LC with her from now on.
Maybe I’m too naive. Are you sure it’s her who initiated this? Couldn’t it be a coworker who overheard or convinced her to do this?
And that you didn’t say more than this, or with a different tone?
NTA she was being a dick.
Nta as someone queer myself I’d never go to somewhere where I was under threat. You did the right thing and I’m glad you didn’t back down, good on you
NTA. I have a long list of wide swathes of the world I’m not comfortable visiting due to my health problems. I risk assess based on quality of medical care and ease of talking them through my complex rare conditions given I only speak English. That doesn’t make these countries bad places but nonetheless I won’t risk it given the difficulties even I have in my own country! Not wanting to go because they consider you an abomination and your relationship a crime is an even more valid reason than mine.
NTA at all. You are 100% in the right about telling both the coworker and the supervisor off. That said if your sexuality is a key component to the exchange that you had and the entirely reasonable cause of you not wishing to go to her country you sort of do need to disclose it and it’s not your supervisors fault that you did. Furthermore of along your sexuality was a problem for you you could have told both of them that you have deep conflicts with the domestic policy of the nation in question which would not allow you to enjoy a vacation.
You can’t be open about something and then get angry when it comes up.
She was being weird and pushy about something really freaking inane and then reported you to HR for saying you wouldn’t do the inane thing, she’s a total pushy weirdo
NTA you handled it beautifully. Way to go for standing up for yourself, Nadia is entirely wrong and so was your boss.
NTA As someone who works in HR, my advice would be to document everything, ask HR for a copy of the complaint and to meet with a lawyer. This has the potential to get ugly. If you want, you can file a sexual harassment claim against your coworker for telling you not to engage in homosexual acts while on vacation.
It’s ridiculous that you had to provide an explanation on why you wouldn’t be visiting where your coworker is from. There are many things that factor into why people choose to spend their vacations. NTAH