Hi, I am 24F from India. I am a Software developer who used to WFH from my home(living with my parents).There has been Marriage talk for the past 2 years, but i turn 25 soon so the pressure has been increasing gradually since beginning of the year.
I Kept postponing the marriage concept since i am NOT interested in arranged marriage but i think my parents think i am avoiding it because i have someone else. I tried to explain to them that it isn’t the case, they can see i mostly hang out with my friends and don’t have time for anything else. They just cannot grasp why i would say No other than that reason. All the matches they bring are well settled families and guys with good salary. That is all that is important to them.
My Extended family has also been asking questions and keep sending matched saying i am aging out soon. My Parents take this all and put pressure on me saying social prestige is important. Last saturday i was just chilling at home and mom was making breakfast when she suddenly started told me to put on a nice saree bcz some of our distant relatives are in town and they want to visit us and i did as told. After getting ready i saw that there was a lot of stuff in the living room like flowers, sweets, my aunt and mom was also in new saree. This tipped something off but the guests arrived with their 29yr old Son and everything went about how a matchmaking session would go. My Parents especially my mom was very enthusiastic. They came bcz our DOB’s are a good match, that’s what i got from the conversation. After lunch they left.
My mom kept singing their praises, I asked point blank if this was planned. She didn’t give me a direct answer but kept deflecting saying i always say no, that if i see the guy in real life i might think about it. She kept saying they are a very good family etc. By keep asking i found out my aunt found the match and my and her planned to have this session without telling me and just spring it on me. I got so mad, I started shouting that it was not ok. My Mom started crying about how they just wanna see my marriage and doing their part as parents. My dad and brother who were quiet said it’s not a big deal and i shouldn’t make my mother cry and i am being disrepectful. I didn’t even yell AT her , only that it wasn’t ok. My family ganged up on me saying i was rude and i should apologize. My aunt also was egging them that this is why Girls should be married off at a young age so they won’t have ego’s and become rebellious. I got so mad, i am not at all like that and they know it. I realized none of them were trying to see my side.
So, I searched and found a girl’s hostel in my city and shifted with just my clothes on sunday evening. No body was talking to me at home and i needed space. They were furious when they saw my luggage. Yelling that it’s disrespectful to just up and leave and what would people say if they found out. My Dad was so mad he yelled in my face that i was being a B. I Left after that and today i got a call from my aunt and she repramanded saying my mom’s been crying and dad is super angry and i should just come home and make peace. I did not get any calls from parents just my bro messaged me. i know if i went home things will go straight back to how they were. They will keep pushing me. But i feel really guilty cause i know, rumors spread like wildfire in our community and i am sure this is already a hot topic. My parents are in a good position and this will effect their reputation that they have a wild daughter.
So, AITAH for not going back and owning upto my outburst ?
Comments
Your not , at the end of the day you’re the one that would have to live with that decision spending the rest of your life with a stranger , each one of them would move on with their own lives and their are business.You’re the one that would be stuck.
Nta. What they did was an ambush, and them ganging up on you when you were standing up for yourself is not ok. The silent treatment makes you wonder who was behaving like children ( hint it wasn’t you). Create boundaries i hope you are in a safe place.
Updateme
Desi here.
NTA, NTA, a thousand times NTA.
Do not apologize, do not feel guilty, do not go back.
What your parents did was stampede over your boundaries and now they’re crying because oh no, actions have consequences. It doesn’t matter how ‘good’ their intent was. You told them no, they went ahead and did it anyway.
If people give you shit, tell them your parents were the ones who crossed a line. And don’t fall for this ‘making peace’ shit. You go home, the pressure and the boundary-pushing will just increase. Stick to your boundaries.
Your parents did this to themselves. They can bloody well deal with the consequences.
Honestly, just the fuck?
These people are not your friends, this is not how parents support their children.
Just stay away. Move away, you have a job, just go.
Personally, because I enjoy seeing people being hoisted upon their own petards, I would be very tempted to put an advert in the local paper saying that because your fathers gambling debts have bankrupted the family, you have been forced to prostitute yourself out to more than 50 men to put food on your family’s table – this, obviously, reduces your worth in the arranged marriage market to absolutely zero.
See if your family are still big believers in the importance of ‘good family’ then..
Just leave, and don’t come back. They’ll say you’re dead, or living abroad, or whisper that you’ve been committed to an asylum.
There is no compromise here. you’re either free to choose you’re own life, or you’re a slave to their choices. Pick one.
NTA. Just all the NTA’s.
NTA in my book, but I am from western Europe, there is no tradition to marry off our children – maybe we had that like over a hundred years ago 🙂
In my book, adults, no matter their gender, should be able to make their own life choices, and don’t have anybody else tell them what to do – or whom to marry. But in your culture this is still the quite common (as far as I know), so please act carefully.
Maybe move to another city? Is there any way you can make your own choices, without your parents loosing their face in their community?
Nta, you’re a person, not an object. And not being married at twenty-five doesn’t make you a spinster or a rebel.
More and more people around the world are refusing marriage. More and more people are refusing to have children or are having children until they’re thirty.
Focus on your career, on buying a house or renting an apartment, and ignore them.
I can’t imagine the cultural expectations tsunami that you’re trying to surf on behalf of your future self. Know that you can still love your family and make your own decisions and their feelings have hurt are their feelings not your feelings you have a right to decide that those cultural expectations don’t serve you. They only serve everybody else those rules in your head that have you thinking you’re being Unreasonable are just cultural rules in the end let your right to autonomy guide you. Ultimately, you only get one shot at living on the planet. You can decide to continue to commit to it on your own custom respectful, but also self-respecting terms.
Move to a different town if you have friends there. If you go back now, it will only get worse. They will have the upper hand and will marry you off even against your will. Do not go back before sorting out the issues.
I think you should move out and get your own place. Or you and a friend can get an apartment together.
NTA don’t go home because they know that you will leave next time they won’t let you leave.
NTA! I’m not from your culture but I wanted to say that you may have to cut off your whole family to live the life that you want! They harm you if you keep in contact and don’t follow their rules! Hopefully they don’t resort to harmful behaviors! Never go back home! Stop taking calls from any family members! They will keep making you feel bad for wanting your independence! I feel bad for you OP! Nothing is wrong with you not wanting to be forced into marriage!
It’s your life. Not your family’s. NTA obviously
Can you get away permanently?
Couple of things. It’s your life. However, you are blinded to many issues because you are living at home. Your parents are making subtle and not so subtle hints that you need to move forward with your life. Work is not everything and it is a fantasy to think you are going to sit at home and some random dude is going to see you and fall in love with you. You need to make an effort if this is the path you want to go for marriage. Are you active in social circles? Do you have a group of friends that meets with guy friends? Do you attend parties and other events where you would meet single guys? Otherwise the only guys you will meet are overly forward strangers and coworkers.Â
You are a computer scientist and Indian. Young. The kind of profile that makes the eyes of Western recruiters shine.
Another culture, other constraints.
(Please don’t meet a Pakistani there)
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Are you at risk from your family?
NTA
They’re gonna need to deal with it. Use gray rock technique. Maybe 1 last time try to explain your POV. Times have changed. You aren’t less or more worthy because of your marriage status. It hurts your feelings that they act as if it were true. You’ve been a good daughter, student, followed their rules. On this one topic, you fundamentally disagree.
If again surprised with a matchmaking session, you’re gonna need to stand up for yourself. “I’m sorry my mother made you come here. It’s not in my plans to have an arranged marriage.”
NTA. You don’t owe anybody an apology.
NTA. You haven’t done anything wrong.
I don’t understand the cultural and social aspects but with the ambush, pressure and guilt-tripping. This seems more like a forced marriage than an arranged marriage. I would think that you would at least want to get married to be able to proceed with an arranged marriage.
Anyone willing to hurt you to improve their image isn’t your friend, isn’t treating you like family, and isn’t looking out for you, they’re looking out for themselves.
Let’s imagine for a moment that these were friends of yours, and they were willing to do something horrible to you, that you’d explicitly told them not to do to you, just to make themselves look better to people you’ve never met.
Would you give that friend a second chance? What happens when it’s someone that’s even closer to you? Somebody who should have your best interest at heart even more than just a friend?
I had a coworker like this once, he was always putting other people down to try to improve his own image, it’s weak and embarrassing.
NTA – I would personally run and get my own apartment or home. Yet, this is your culture and your upbringing. Your parents are pushing for what they want and the expectations. They aren’t listening, which may affect them greatly in the future and their standing. You have to be true to you, you can’t be responsible for their actions.
Aging out at 25!? It’s not 1765..
NTA they ambushed you. What did they think would happen?
I’ve got a story you might find funny: my Bengali friend’s mother was contacted about arranging a marriage between her son (my friend) and the other woman’s daughter. The other woman expected a payment from my friend’s mother, but she argued that my friend is worth more and therefore his family should get the payment
NTA. Their reputation is not more important than you autonomy and future.
Just stay safe. Be smart and cautious.
I would be concerned for my safety in your situation. They are trying to force you to get married, after you have made it clear you don’t want to. Now that you have shown you are willing to leave, they may resort to physical means to force you to do what they want. Can you get your job to transfer you elsewhere and move? NTA
Desi here
NTA at all
Also more power to you for taking such a bold step..
Sometimes I really wish our desi parents and gaggle of relatives understood that pushing for an AM is a horrible thing to do…
Hugs to you..
Keep yourself safe Op, do your family know where you are? Can you get somewhere safer.
It’s good you can work from home as it means you can work from anywhere and they can’t pin you down at your office xx
Do not go back home. I hope you have a bank account with no parents access, get a new phone & number. Find out if you can rent rooms with girls somewhere safe. Try to get a job in a different country. Malaysia/Singapore. NTA
NTA. Please be safe, OP. I am American, but I know that Indian families still do honor killings and such.
You are certainly right to get out. I just want you to be safe as well. Maybe move to a more modern city ASAP.
Please don’t go back. I can’t imagine the cultural pressure you’re under, but if you go back, they’ll take that as capitulation and that you’re agreeing to an arranged marriage. Stay away and keep your freedom. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. NTA.