I (26M) have been living with my former partner and best friend since childhood (25M, FtM) for about a six months now. (referring to the friend as “B”)
Both of us were super duper excited to move in together, we had talked about moving to Southside Chicago for years, and our relationship has been really solid overall. We watch the same stuff together, go out to minigolf all the time, spend a bunch of time together every day, all that stuff. B and my current boyfriend of about two years get along really well, so it’s all above board. B is a little bit cloistered, but lets me know all the time when anything’s up, and I try to do the same for them.
I am a very physical affection-type person. I love giving everyone hugs and I really mean everyone, my friends, my boyfriend, my cat, you name it. All my friends know that about me. Of course I don’t do it to some person I just met or anything like that, but the barrier to entry is pretty low. I also ask people if it’s okay to do that, since I don’t wanna step on any toes or make people uncomfortable. I feel like I make a pretty decent effort at making sure I’m not hugging or touching or etc. etc. etc. anyone without their permission.
This is the first time B and I have really ever shared a space together for a prolonged period. We never really worked out any specific ground rules cause neither of us thought that was needed, since we’re not attracted to each other anymore and both pretty good about doing house chores as they come up. But about into the first month it was pretty clear that B has really, really specific things about people being near them (something that was kinda there when we were dating but is much more pronounced now I think). For instance every time I’m standing behind them, or anyone else is, they move outta the way quickly. I thought it was only a weird personality thing, but someone can brush up against them on accident and they’ll jump like they were bitten. Another example, we’ll take walks together in this trail nearby where we live and I cannot be behind them, B will nudge me until I’m beside or in front of them. It’s to the level that any kind of unexpected contact/touch/whatever gets this reaction. They also lock the door to their room every single night even though I’ve told them several times that I would never enter it without knocking.
I’ve tried multiple times to sort of ask if there’s anything I should do or any way I should act but every time they insist that there’s nothing wrong. I 100% get people having boundaries but it’s actually kind of worried me for a while now? We had company over a few weeks ago, two guys from the office I work from, and one of them just pat B on the shoulder to ask them to move briefly and B literally hit his hand away but immediately apologized over it. I asked B about it afterwards and got the same nothing’s wrong answer, that they’d tell me if anything was wrong, etc. I backed off after and I understand that people can have preferences but this behavior honestly has me feeling as if I’m being mean or making them uncomfortable for no reason.
A few days ago I got back from work after a really nasty and intense day while B was dusting in the living room while wearing headphones (was not aware of this at the time). I thought they saw me so I went in for a hug that I guess caught them off guard. B ends up shoving me really hard in response. I obviously got really mad about this and B had nothing to say. We didn’t talk at all the rest of the day, and B headed out unannounced to leave for the long weekend. They texted me later apologizing super hard saying that I just surprised them and that it was already a weird day and that they felt really bad about shoving me. They offered to stay at a different place for a few days and I obviously said no because that’s a huge overreaction for a one-time incident.
The apology is nice, but I’m honestly just left feeling really sick? I feel like I’m making B really uncomfortable, but also feel like I’m making a good effort at trying to figure out what the heck I’m supposed to do while the other person refuses to ever voice a complaint. I get that this probably sounds like stupid nothing gay person drama and like I’m fishing for a bunch of people to sympathize with me but I’m starting to get really worried over B and wondering how I’m supposed to make sure someone’s comfortable when they never say if anything’s wrong. Kinda at wit’s end.
Sorry if this is coming out scrambled.
TL;DR – Moved in together with best friend, they’re really uncomfortable with people being physically around them but won’t say why or set boundaries, wondering what I’m supposed to even do about this (if anything).
Comments
I think you have to sit B down when there’s a calm moment (NOT when something like this occurs and emotions are high) and have this come-to-jesus conversation. Tell them what you’ve said here. “Hey we need to talk as friends and roommates. I’ve noticed since we moved in together that your boundaries are different from what i understood before and that’s fine but I’m feeling like i’m doing a really bad job of respecting them because i don’t understand where and what they are. I love and respect you as a friend and i’m just really hoping we can talk in detail because it makes me so sad to think that i’m inadvertently making you uncomfortable but I am just not sure how to fix this on my own. So can we talk about this?”
and if they ask about specific situations, keep it to experiences you’ve had (as opposed to “i noticed how you react to someone behind you”, etc.)
This is also, of course, a “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink” situation. You can open the dialogue, and you can avoid repeating behaviors you know were upsetting to them, but you can’t make them open up to you. Maybe they’re not ready to share, or maybe this is something that they haven’t really come to terms with themself. So your job is just to let them know you’re trying and that you’re open to dialogue and that you’re safe and trustworthy to talk to if and when they’re ready.