I (24F) was so excited when my boyfriend (27M) surprised me with a romantic trip to Greece for my birthday. It felt like a dream. Just the two of us, finally some time away together.
Then, two weeks before the trip, he says, “Hey, I was thinking my sister could join us for the last few days.”
I was stunned. His sister (30F) is… a lot. Not mean, just very intense. She’s going through a breakup, and I get that she’s having a rough time, but I really wanted this to be about us. I told him gently that I wasn’t comfortable with it. This was supposed to be my birthday trip, not a family vacation.
Now he says I’m being cold and unsupportive. He’s barely talking to me, and I feel like I ruined everything.
I’m starting to wonder… was I selfish for wanting time alone with him?
AITAH?
Comments
NTA
A few things… how long is the trip going to be? How many days would she be joining?
How much of this trip are you paying for?
NTA. It’s your bday trip and a romantic getaway for the two of you, not the three of you.
NTA, hey, I get it, birthdays are special. Imagine if my hubby invited his sis to our anniversary trip? I’d be peeved!
NTA, but you should probably really stress to him that you were excited about the trip because it would be just the two of you! I just got back from a trip to greece with my family + my boyfriend, and we had a great time but every part that made it stressful had to do with familial involvement. It only really felt like a vacation when it was the two of us on our own. Your situation is pretty complicated, especially because it’s your birthday trip that he planned, and if he wants to invite his sister, even for a small portion, it’s something you both need to completely agree on. I don’t think you’re an asshole for wanting the trip to be yours, but more communication is very necessary.
I understand he’s trying to support his sister, that’s very sweet of him, but can’t he do that by taking her on a weekend trip another time, or gifting her a self care package?
Also, I don’t get how people are ok with going on couples’s romantic gateways – I would feel so uncomfortable being the third wheel…
NTA and honestly, I really don’t like his reaction. I
also don’t like the fact that he invited her before talking to you. That’s why he’s so upset, because he has to take the invitation back and he’s embarrassed
NTA ask to spend some quality time with her after the trip. This is a trip for two not three
NTA but maybe you can offer to help plan something fun for the three of you when you get back?
Nope, not the asshole. It’s your birthday trip – wanting it to just be you two is totally fair. Not selfish at all. Her breakup isn’t a reason to hijack your plans. It’s okay to keep the focus on you.
The trip was a gift. His sister will only be there a few days. You sound ungrateful. If you’re serious about this man, you should embrace the time with his sister.
NTA.
Super weird of him to want to include his sister on a couples trip.
If my gf suggested this, I’d tell her to go ahead with her sister and while they were gone I’d be making my exit.
NTA. What’s the end game here? Do you want to marry into this family? A family where his 30 year old sister is…a lot & he treats you like shit whenever you don’t jump at the idea of dealing with her worrisome behavior? On YOUR birthday excursion to boot!
NTA. Go on a different trip with her or do something with her after you get back
You said in one of the comments that he’s spending for the whole trip…then yta.. you’re being selfish and not thinking about his feelings
NTA. This was your trip, not a family trip. And the fact that he’s barely talking to you? Childish, immature and manipulative. If he insists on it then maybe rethink the vacation (and dare I say the relationship) with a man who is putting his sister first.
Tell your BF, you can compromise, and he can spend quality time with his sister and you go to Italy for those few days. Likely a simple ferry ride to Italy. See his response to this? Willing to bet he wants you there to help entertain his sister.
May i ask how long you’ve been dating? It seems a little weird that he would invite his sister on a trip meant for your birthday. If you have a good relationship with his sister then maybe, but you already told him you’re not comfortable and he should respect that. He shouldn’t “ask” if he’s going to get upset with your response, because now this attitude of his may be a little guilt trippy. I understand that he may want to be there for her right now, but in a relationship each person needs to have their priorities straight, and on a birthday trip for your girlfriend I feel like you should be focused on your girlfriend, not your sister. NTA, I hope if you give him some time to cool down maybe you guys can have a conversation about priorities, because i believe if he’s serious about you then your happiness on your birthday trip should be his priority.
The trip is a gift. You are coming off as ungrateful. A better approach might be to negotiate terms.
Sister is probably feeling not wanted anywhere. It is a very terrible headspace to be in. He wants her to feel loved, valued and wanted. If you can negotiate something like 3 days, one of which the 2 of you are alone from 8PM, and you agree to do a girl afternoon with her, you will earn something more valuable than the time alone with your bf. If you actually try to make sis feel welcome and valued and she responds, the respect and goodwill you cultivate will improve your relationship with him and his family.
Hey, I bought you a birthday present and gave it to you weeks ago….but you need to share it with my sister bc she is sad.
Absolutely not.
NTA. But he is. His sister is a higher priority than you. This is a red flag, OP.
Nta I think he planned this more for her than for you honestly. Stand your ground and good luck op. UpdateMe!
This is a birthday present for you.. you get to choose. Especially since you made it clear you just wanted it to be for just you two. He’s the AH for making you feel that way and the 30 year old sister is too grown to be getting upset over not coming with to an already planned trip.
He planned a trip for you two and two weeks before you’re about to leave invited his sister for the last few days of it. He is now mad at you because you just wanted it to be you two…. Because that’s what the trip was intended for…. To celebrate your birthday as a couple…. The math ain’t mathin. He’s the AH.
NTA, although I kind of see his side as well.
From his POV, you’re still getting 4 days of a romantic vacation. A 4-day trip is still a very generous birthday gift. And he’s asking you to help support his sister, something that’s obviously very important to him.
However, you were under the impression that this would be a 7-day romantic excursion, and you got your hopes up and started planning accordingly. Plus, depending on your situation, time off can be precious. You took 7 days off for a romantic vacation, not for a romantic vacation plus a family vacation.
Talk to him in a calm way and see if he can see your side. Offer to do something with his sister before or after the trip.
I will say, things could be worse. I spent half my honeymoon with my MIL. It’s not her fault, she’s a wonderful woman, just a confluence of circumstances outside of anyone’s control that led to less than ideal circumstances.
Updateme!
Better luck with your next boyfriend
NTA but if she’s a life vampire I’d put boundaries up now and say you aren’t putting up with any “woe is me” or guilt. That his sister needs to understand it’s your bday trip so restaurants and stuff like that you get priority.
Sounds like he already invited her
Do something else on your bday without him
NTA but the fact that he turned so quickly is something to consider.
Also, a few questions:
This is supposed to be a trip for your birthday and he’s fine with her showing up for pretty much almost half of your visit?
Also: two weeks before the trip? That’s serious expense for a last-minute trip. Did he really just decide this or was this booked when the original plans were done?
Where the hell is she staying? In your room?
Is SHE going to be paying for anything?
NTA. It’s your birthday trip. Virtually anything that wasn’t “your” gift, outside and anniversary or honeymoon trip might be up for debate. But hell nah. He’s telling you his sister is more important to him than you are. LISTEN.
NTA. I think the trip is ruined now.
Wow! I’m feeling a little unloved by my sister. When my ex and I broke up, she took me to Wal-Mart and bought me a bag of M&Ms… NTA.
tell him you want a romantic trip and that doesn not include his sister. Either he goes with you or you break up and then he can take his sister give me the hard choice
I feel like this is the third time I’ve seen this post. Was it taken down and reposted multiple times? Getting a strong case of Deja vu.
Tell him to take the vacation with his sister and be done.
NTA
No. She can’t go. WTF
NTA – I understand he wants to support his sister, but this was a special trip for the 2 of you. Her showing up takes away from that. It is no longer special, nor is it a birthday trip. You are right to set boundaries and expect them to be honored. Having sister around no longer makes a romantic trip, that ended the moment he asked.
You can take her on a trip later (who was paying for her to join you? him or her?)
This is a huge issue in your relationship. I understand that he loves her and wants to support her. (He probably already agreed to her coming and maybe for the WHOLE trip).
This may be the hill that your relationship ends. It may be that sister is the priority in his life. That your feelings are not as important.
I don’t believe you ruined anything. I believe you exposed more than you wanted to.
You both need to sit down and talk. If you need to, get a counsellor involved to help direct the conversation.
NTA. He wants to support his sister, but he’s taking a wrong approach at it. I understand you and him. Sucks he’s giving you sort of silent treatment, not okay
No no no no no. He doesn’t prioritize you. This was a special event/promise for just the two of you. HTA for adding sis. I’d reconsider how tight this relationship really is.
Would he prefer to take his sister more than taking you? No one takes his gf on a birthday excursion expecting to take his sister too. Maybe you should suggest you take your brother or sister on the trip too. If he’s going to ruin the trip with one family member, may as well go the full hog and invite more.
That is a really big ask and given you have already made plans and paid for excursions, etc., your answer should definitely be no. As a possible solution, have him change his plane ticket home and stay a few days extra with his sister. She can join him as you are heading home. Not perfect, but food for thought.
Tell him to fuck off with his sister
If someone gives you a “gift” and then puts conditions on it, it’s not a “gift.” Saying “This is for you! Your birthday! But I’m bringing XYZ people,” that’s not a gifted trip. At that point, BDay or not you’re a tag along.
Let him go with his sister and take your own trip with a girlfriend.
This isn’t a gift.
NTA. He can take her and pay you back for your expenses. That’s not cool.
Why did he ask of he was just going to shit on any answer he didn’t like?
Honestly, I would tell him to go ahead and take his sister on the whole trip since I am going to be doing my own thing. The fact that he thinks this is appropriate is just bullshit. Supporting family is fine, but that doesn’t mean the world has to stop for them.
Cancel the trip, and the boyfriend. Tell him he can take his sister and not to worry about you.
I mean, it’s just a few days. Doesn’t mean you’ll be joined at the hip, either.
NTA. It’s my birthday and I was really looking forward to going somewhere romantic and having lots of sex with you. Her being there will be kind of a mood killer for me – but I guess if that’s what your into….
Or: Just remember this when my I want to invite my brother on our honeymoon.
NTA- tell him to stop kissing his sis
Updateme
nta
NTA it’s a couple’s trip for your birthday. What is he thinking to invite his sister along?
What would this mean for accommodation? Would she get her own room or would she be bunking in with you?
Send the two of them alone to recover from their breakups together.
Yes
NTA
Would it have been a problem if originally explained as a combination trip of 4 romantic days together followed by a few days of time with my sister? I think the issue is the packaging of the trip not the actual trip
Not selfish at all. It’s YOUR birthday trip, not his and not hers. NTA. Your bf is being an AH by even asking you, let alone being cold about it.
UpdateMe!
You can surprise your boyfriend with a breakup. He’s a fucking tard.