My boyfriend (25M) and I (24F) have been together for almost 4 years. We both deal with depression and also me with anxiety, and in the beginning, our relationship felt really supportive and healing. We were in sync and it felt like we really understood each other.
Over time, our mental health declined. Instead of helping each other cope, we started unintentionally making things harder. I tried to support him through challenges like weight struggles, but I now recognize that some of what I thought was “help” may have come across as overly critical. He held a lot in without telling me, which created tension we didn’t address for a long time. Btw he has seen several psychiatrists and tried several medications, even therapy, but nothing seems to work.
One night while at a party without me, he got drunk and messaged someone else looking for validation. They didn’t meet and it didn’t go further, but it was a turning point in our relationship. We had several long, emotional talks and I chose to stay, partly because I know how much we’ve both invested and how much we still care.
Shortly after that, he made a financial decision that affected both of us — he lost money we had saved together. This caused even more emotional stress and led to more intense conversations and burnout for both of us.
At the same time, I started to break down emotionally. I’ve been crying often, withdrawing, and switching between emotional highs and lows. I’ve recently started psychiatric treatment and I’m slowly stabilizing. He had a period where he seemed more stable too, but that’s been changing again lately.
We argue a lot now. We’ve talked about breaking up more than once. But despite everything, we still love each other and feel like we’ve built something real. I’ve recently started to understand that love isn’t about sacrificing your well-being. I’m learning to put myself first more often, not out of selfishness, but because I need to be okay with myself in order to be okay with someone else.
That said, I feel overwhelmed. I don’t know how to move forward when we’re both still healing, and I’m unsure how much emotional weight I can carry right now. I don’t want to give up on this, but I also don’t know what’s realistic anymore.
Has anyone been in a relationship where both people were struggling mentally? How do you move forward in a healthy way without losing yourself?
TL;DR:
My (24F) boyfriend (25M) and I have been together for 4 years and both struggle with depression. Our relationship started off very supportive, but over time things got heavier, emotionally and mentally. We’ve hurt each other unintentionally, and we’re both burned out. I’ve started treatment and am trying to focus on healing. I don’t want to give up on us, but I’m unsure how to keep going when we’re both still struggling.
Comments
I feel a lot of pain but also a lot of love. That would be very sad to give up.
You’re both fighting, but you’re exhausted. Can you get help from a psychologist?
Specialists can help you both identify the root cause(s). And then slowly fixing them.
There is no guarantee of success for the relationship. But when the partners manage go overcome the challenge, their bond is way stronger than before.
When they don’t, they anyway evolved and became a new version of themselves, getting closer to true happiness
The first thing you both need to do is focus on getting help for yourself. You cannot save someone from drowning when you are also drowning. I also think it would be smart to put a pause on trying to “fix” your relationship, because until you are both mentally healthy you are only going to cause more problems and stress.
As sad as it is, sometimes people are just not meant to be together and that is okay.