I (28F) have been married to my husband Jake (30M) for 3 years, together for 6. Throughout our entire relationship, his best friend Mia (29F) has been a constant presence in our lives. They’ve been friends since college, and I initially tried to be understanding about their close friendship.
Here’s the thing – I don’t think they’re having an affair. I’ve never found any evidence of cheating, and I honestly don’t think either of them would cross that line. But the way their relationship works makes me feel like I’m the third wheel in my own marriage.
Jake calls Mia about everything. New job opportunity? He calls Mia first. We’re having a disagreement? He’s texting Mia for advice. Planning our anniversary dinner? Somehow Mia’s opinion on the restaurant matters more than mine. When I try to talk to him about something important, he’ll often say “let me think about it” but then I’ll overhear him getting Mia’s take on it within hours.
Mia has been single the entire time I’ve known her, and she has this way of inserting herself into our relationship that makes my skin crawl. She’ll make comments like “Jake, remember when we used to do X together?” right in front of me. She has her own key to our house (apparently Jake gave it to her years ago for “emergencies”). She’ll show up unannounced and act surprised that I’m there – in my own home.
The worst part is how she talks to Jake. There’s this inside joke language between them, these looks they share, and this intimacy that makes me feel like I’m watching two people who are in love but just haven’t admitted it yet. When we’re all together, I feel invisible. They’ll get caught up in their conversations and completely forget I exist.
I’ve tried talking to Jake about this multiple times. He always says I’m being insecure and that Mia is “like a sister” to him. He insists their friendship is platonic and that I should be more understanding. When I point out specific behaviors that bother me, he either dismisses them or says I’m reading too much into things.
The final straw came two weeks ago. Jake and I had been planning a weekend getaway for our anniversary for months. The day before we were supposed to leave, Mia called crying because she’d had a bad breakup (her first relationship in the 6 years I’ve known her, by the way). Jake immediately wanted to cancel our trip to comfort her. When I said that was unreasonable, he suggested we bring Mia along “so she wouldn’t be alone.”
I lost it. I told him absolutely not, and we had a huge fight. He ended up going to comfort Mia for several hours that night instead of spending time with me before our anniversary trip. We still went on the trip, but he was texting her constantly to “make sure she was okay.”
When we got back, I made a decision. I reached out to Mia directly and asked if we could meet for coffee to talk. I was nervous, but I tried to approach it maturely. I told her that I respected her friendship with Jake, but that some of their dynamics were making me uncomfortable in my marriage. I explained that I felt like I was constantly competing for my husband’s attention and asked if she could help me by maintaining some boundaries – maybe not calling him about every little thing, giving us more couple time without her presence, and being more mindful of how intimate their friendship appeared to outsiders.
I thought I was being reasonable and respectful. But Mia got defensive immediately. She said I was being insecure and that she’d been Jake’s friend long before I came along. She told me that if I was confident in my marriage, her friendship with Jake wouldn’t threaten me. Then she said something that really stung: “Maybe you should focus on being a better wife instead of trying to control his friendships.”
When I told Jake about our conversation, he was furious with me. He said I had no right to go behind his back and confront his friend. He’s angry that I made Mia uncomfortable and says I’m being controlling and jealous. Mia apparently called him crying after our talk, and now he thinks I was cruel to her. Some of our mutual friends think I crossed a line by approaching her directly instead of just dealing with Jake.
But I feel like I’ve tried everything else with Jake directly, and nothing changed. I thought approaching her woman-to-woman might help us find a solution that worked for everyone. I wasn’t trying to end their friendship – I just wanted some reasonable boundaries so I could feel like a priority in my own marriage.
AITA for blocking her and demanding he choose between us?
Comments
YTA for blaming her instead of your bf
ESH. If this is true, leave Jake girl that’s all I got for you. This has been going on too long, there’s no way to peacefully extricate now.
ESH
Your husband is married to you and he should be putting you first. This is not about a friendship or boundaries, it’s about the natural evolution of a relationship as others come into the mix. He is in the wrong here.
You shouldn’t have approached her as she does not owe you anything and frankly is not in the wrong. Your husband allows her behaviour and encourages it. She owes you nothing as she is not married to you or made vows to forsake all others.
It baffles me that you had a relationship with someone and then progressed a marriage without tackling this. Ultimately if he doesn’t see an issue then it’s either you stick with the status quo, get counselling or divorce.
Your husband does not put you first, maybe it’s time you did
NO! NTA. This is NOT how a sister to a married man acts. You need a zone of privacy and priority in your marriage. And I see nothing wrong with you playing your husband’s own game.
I hope you take seriously Mia’s feedback–and apply it to your husband. This is projection.
Not sure why you are still giving him a chance to choose. He’s shown you very clearly that his friendship with Mia is more important than your marriage.
STAND up for yourself and make your own decision to put yourself first. Don’t wait for him to decide to see if you’re the one he wants. You make that decision for you.
NTA. He leads by example and Mia is comfortable disregarding your relationship bc he is disregarding your boundaries and is allowing her to do the same. My sister’s husband has close friends who are women but none of them come before my sister who is his wife and he doesn’t allow for that line to be crossed. And anytime I hear things like “she/he is like a brother/sister to me” it makes me very suspicious. They may not be cheating but there is a level of intimacy that makes me wonder if there is an attraction or if there was intimacy at some point before you came into the picture
Prepare divorce papers and give them to him. Tell him they can go in the trash the moment he removes Mia from his life and your marriage. Words are one thing, but maybe the cold hard reality of a divorce filing in his hand will bring him around and make him realize she needs to go. Either way, be strong and do not waver.
Your husband is an idiot.
And she absolutely wants your husband.
There is no such thing as close, opposite sex friends when in a committed relationship
You’re in a throuple that you do not want to be in. Neither of the other two seem to give a Damm about your feelings and prioritize each other over you.
Confronting Mia was never going to work because your husband is the problem in your relationship.
Stop wasting time in a relationship where you will forever be put third.
EHS 100%. I normally don’t immediately suggest the divorce/ultimatum card but at this point everything else would be a waste of time. The fact of the matter is that your husband values Mia’s presence in his life over you. You don’t deserve to be second best in your own marriage. If he’s not willing to enforce boundaries, even if it hurts Mia, that means he’s willing to hurt you over and over again. You simply do not deserve that in a marriage and I would encourage separation.
You have a husband problem. I suggest therapy/counseling individually and couples because it’s only going to get worse. If it already hasn’t. Mia isn’t worried about a man because she has yours and it sounds like he wants it that way. An affair is happening between them. Even if it’s not physical it is emotional.Sadly it may be time to close the curtain and turn off the lights. Divorce if you must. Jake is not hearing words so maybe silence and distance will speak volumes.
Nta, you should be able to feel secure in your marriage, and while he can still be her friend you should always come first. Mia however isn’t in the wrong, your husband is, don’t be mad at her for his wrongs. She should have been calmer in your argument yes and she shouldn’t have gotten as defensive as she did but from her pov your trying to break up her closest friendship (obv not but that’s how it looks to her and you cannot blame her) this is an issue that primarily revolves around your husband and who his attention goes to. I would have done the same exact thing approaching her though tbh but i don’t think that did anything but make matters worse for you… but anyways i hope this works out for you and i wish you the best in your marriage and resolving this conflict!
This is all on your husband. He is emotionally cheating on you (I wouldn’t be surprised if it is more than that on how you describe their interactions). You are not first in his life; Mia is. I can only see this end in a Divorce. Start a new chapter in your life, where someone will prioritise you. As I can imagine if you’ve given him an ultimatum on you or Mia. You know who he’s going to pick.
If you don’t have children yet, it’s better to get a divorce. This won’t get better; on the contrary, it’ll get worse. I’m so sorry, those two are probably having an affair. NTA
Make your own choice. He already seems to have made his and it’s not you.
This is ridiculous
Nope. Just be ready to walk away and know they are likely to fall openly into each other’s arms as soon as you do. The dynamic is unhealthy and sickening. Just go, take your peace and live a happy life. Those two are gaslighting horribly.
They are both to blame for their relationship because it interferes with your marriage. Your husband is allowing it to happen, and he doesn’t care. Neither one of them have any respect for you. After recent events and what she said and how she manipulated the situation to her benefit and your husband taking her side, I would tell him that a separation with the possibility of a divorce is for the best. Tell him that since they have a serious intimate relationship and he loves and cares about her more and since she’s the one who is most important to him that he can leave and go be with her and live with her. Pack his stuff up and have it waiting for him and tell him that you are tired of being his side piece and getting his leftovers in your marriage. An ultimatum isn’t necessary, so tell him what you have decided so he doesn’t have to choose.
A married man’s best friend is his wife. Sounds like he wants to be married to Mia.
NTA, your husband canceled half of your anniversary to go Comfort another woman who is his so called best friend. ( let that sink in)
He’s giving you numerous of reasons to show he will always put her first it’s time to choose you, I’m sorry.
You haven’t tried everything — there’s still divorce. You’ve already been kicked out of your own marriage — the paperwork is just the formality. Seriously, why do you stay? If you make him choose, he’ll resent you if he picks you. And you’ll know the outcome if he chooses her. He obviously prioritizes Mia and their relationship before you so leave and let them be. Stop wasting your life on someone who doesn’t recognize your awesomeness and sees you as their #1. NTA, but sorta to yourself.
UpdateMe!
Hon, you should’ve drawn a line and blocked ‘Mia’ a long time ago, but your big mistake was marrying a man that doesn’t make you THE number one priority in his life.
In the words of Mark Twain, “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”
Three’s a crowd in a marriage: get yourself a good lawyer and get out, so you can be free to find yourself a good man who will put you & your marriage first, “forsaking all others”.
You deserve the whole cake, cher— stop begging for crumbs. Good luck!
> this intimacy that makes me feel like I’m watching two people who are in love but just haven’t admitted it yet.
Unfortunately that’s precisely what this is.
It can be managed but it’s going to be really hard for them to openly admit that.
You don’t need to give the ultimatum as he has already chosen. Let them have each other find someone who respects you.
NTA. Divorce him. It’s extreme but this man is clearly more into this gal pal of his than you. His wife. Just get out before you waste anymore time on this jerk.
And even if it hurts, think of this: This idiot married you while keeping this woman around and making your marriage into a weird threesome because he can’t grow a spine and admit what he wants. Do you want a wishy washy potential cheater?
What Mia left unsaid was “I was here before you and I’ll be here after you.”
NTA
Sis he’s not going to choose you. I’m so sorry.
Hand him divorce papers let him and Mia be together. Don’t waste any more of your youth on this.
You feel like their relationship is encroaching on your marriage and you’ve spoken to them both and they’ve both dismissed things.
Things are working for them, but not for you. Your husband is not prioritizing you even though you’ve been more understanding and accepting than most women would be in this situation. His “sister” is not respecting your boundaries and concerns. Any reasonable woman would not expect to have the same emotional support and relationship
with a married man.
There are boundaries being crossed here by both your husband and his “sister” and you are not being respected or valued. You are not the AH here, nor are you overreacting. I wouldn’t let this go. You tried being reasonable and respectful and accommodating and understanding. They did not. If they had, you probably would not have given him the ultimatum.
You didn’t cross a line. You were pulled across by your husband not respecting your boundaries. It may be time to move on from this relationship. Especially when he wanted to cancel an anniversary trip so he could console his best girl friend. I intentionally wrote girl instead of female because even if there is nothing physical going on there is an emotional affair. His reaction to your meeting with her is the proof of that.
Good luck, but like I said it may be time to move on from all of this. Even if it hurts. It will hurt later when the emotional affair turns physical.
You have a husband problem. He is putting Mia first. Talk to a lawyer, get everything in order and then hand him the papers.
If he is not willing to do anything at that point, move on and find someone that truly values you.
In situations such as these, it always makes me wonder how the SO would handle it if the OP had a close friend (also of the opposite sex) who did all the same things: had their own key to their place, be the first one OP confided in, trampled over SO’s boundaries, and called SO insecure for having an issue with their friendship. Would the SO finally understand what they’ve been putting the OP through or continue being willfully ignorant of how inappropriate the situation was?
He already choose her.
He has prioritized her feelings over yours. They may not realize it, but they are definitely having an emotional affair. If you want to save your marriage (do you?) then couples therapy is the only way forward. If the marriage can be salvaged it will be through counseling. If he won’t go, you have your answer.
Have some self respect and leave before you have kids. that will make it even more complicated. You were with him for 6 years and never noticed this????
Do you always wanted to be second? Because that’s what your husband has done. He calls you jealous and insecure because you want boundaries. He tells her about things exciting in our life before you if you always want be second then stay married to him.
YTA this is a husband problem not a Mia problem. This has been going on for 6 years and you’re just trying to establish boundaries? You should have put boundaries in place before you married this man. Your husband values Mia’s opinion over yours, has shown that you are a second in your own marriage, and you’ve just been letting this happen. See a couples counselor and have a come to Jesus talk with your husband, and if he doesn’t see how this is affecting your marriage then have some self respect and leave him.
FYI I also have a male bff that I talk to almost daily, and non of what you are saying is normal in our friendship.
So is okay if you feel uncomfortable but you don’t dare in make her uncomfortable, i dont know why this kind of guys wont marry their best friend so they avoid someone else the pain. I wont say all of them but Friends like this end up realizing they love each other at the end so🤷🏻♀️
You are the 3rd wheel in this relationship… (if you don’t want to be the 3rd) leave the relationship because everyone else has already made it clear that Mia is the preferred DIL. Especially your husband. You put up with this for too long! NTA
Do you feel like a third wheel in your marriage?
If the answer is yes then you should think about cutting your losses and find a relationship where you are treated better.
If the answer is no then all is not lost yet.
That woman is trying to destroy your marriage. Sadly, it’s time to let it go. Their friendship is not platonic and it’s not healthy for your relationship. Both cannot thrive in the same space. So sorry for your troubles. NTA
You are not his priority. You’re the spare tire
If you’re up to it, let him read this feed. If you do, make sure he reads all of it. Not just what he wants.
Im sorry you’re going through this.
Girl leave.
Platonic friendships should never out shine or come before your relationship, ever.
Id sit him down and tell him that you chat with Mia and his reaction was the last straw. You are done with him, he has put another woman before you for so long and their friendship is anything but Platonic, its inappropriate and you are done playing second to his real partner. His opportunity to save the relationship is gone after both of their little stunts, so now they can be together all they want as you are out.
Pack a bag and leave.
Id go no contact for a week or two and I mean completely no contact then I’d come back for the rest of my stuff and tell him if he wants this marriage to work (which i wouldnt even try but if you did want to..) Mia needs to go. No negotiations, no arguing she goes or you do. That’s his choice.
The update had better be that you left him, OP.
In marriage spouse trumps best fruend. Spouse’s feelings prioritised.if you aren’t feeling confident in your marriage its because your husband hasn’t made you feel safe in this marriage. It’s not about insecurities its about disrespect. You are the wife, you should come first. He puts Mia above the woman he chose to build a life wife. Time to leave.
Hey love, I’m sure you love him but his behavior is ridiculous. I’m not married nor have I been in a relationship and it’s easier said than done, but you should probably consider divorce. You tried to take to him and he called you insecure and jealous instead of talking properly. He even wanted to cancel your trip? Yeah no, it’s something you been planning for a while and the fact that he priorities her over you in many ways such as opinions and choices.
It’s not easy and I’m sure you feel stuck, you love him but the way he treats you is a no-no. And you said in the comments that your mother-in-law loves her, doesn’t need to be a bad thing but that and how he treats you both says a lot. As you said, it’s like watching to people be in love but not know it. It’s better to leave before you waste any more time and get any deeper. 🫶🏽
Your husband accuses you of being insecure about his co dependent relationship with his Mia and thinks that’s a you problem.
A spouses role in a marriage is to make their partner feel loved, regarded and secure. Your husband is an abject failure at all three.
I would agree with another reply get divorce papers drawn up and ask him what he wants. Point out that no one is going to want a relationship with a person who has going on what he has going on with Mia so if he doesn’t have romantic feelings for her he needs to either ,find some and spend his life with her, drop her and spend his life with you, or accept that he isn’t capable of a real relationship and will only have his friendship with Mia. If his answer is anything but dropping Mia ask him to sign the divorce papers and pack a bag so he can stop at her place until the divorce comes through, so that things stay civil.
Yta to yourself. You are the other women in your marriage. Have some self respect.
That woman makes me sick to my stomach. Like, what a losery bitch.
” I need you to pack you things and move out. I’m tired of being the third wheel in your life and the fact that you continually disrespect our marriage by sharing private information with someone else that isn’t a therapist shows that you’re unable to be in a proper marriage. “
Nta
Jesus, just divorce this guy so they can finally get real with themselves and everyone else around them. They are awful and disrespectful to you, and I’m sure they will “find comfort” in each other as soon as you are out of the picture.
This is an affair.
I’ll be honest it sounds like Mia is the wife and your the afterthought . YTA to yourself for staying this long . If u choose to have a child mia will be the second mom . Girl do yourself a favor and leave . He showed u who matters to him and unfortunately it’s not u . Leave while your still young enough to find someone else
I’m willing to bet, if you were to get a male friend and acted the exact same way, ole Jake would be singing a different tune.
Sounds to me like Jake is hung up on Mia. I can tell you this. Guys, straight guys anyway are only close friends with females for one reason. They’re either banging them or they want to bang them. Period
YTA. If he wanted boundaries, he would have set them. He doesn’t care about your feelings. Not sure why you even bothered with him, let alone marry him.
Why on earth did you marry this man?
I could have told you talking to Mia wouldn’t help because she doesn’t care about you. And when it comes to her, he doesn’t care about you either.
He is codependent on Mia and she is in love with him. He has made it clear that she is his priority. You either need intense marriage counseling (which I honestly think won’t help much since your husband doesn’t think this is a problem) or it is time to walk away. Is this really what you want your life to look like? Is this really where you want all your energy to go?
Picture your life without your husband and Mia. What does it look like? Can you see yourself being happy?
Let me ask you this. If you were in an accident or in the hospital, a situation where you need your husband, can you honestly say he would stay with you if Mia called and said she needs him? If you both needed a kidney and he was a match, who would he choose to give his kidney to?
Cut your losses and be glad you only wasted 3 years on him and don’t have children.
Girl do you hear yourself? This man doesn’t give a fu k about you, he cares about Mia. The fact that he goes to her for everything, knows how uncomfortable you are and doesn’t give a shit speaks volumes. You are the third in your marriage, time to grow up and leave. You deserve respect. This was so crazy I borderline think it’s rage bait. Assuming it’s real, idk why you’ve let this go on for so long, grow a spine. NTA except to yourself.
You are not competing for his attention, you already lost. No idea why they can’t just be together and have their happily ever after, but it is question for them. Question for you – what happened to your dignity, your self esteem and self respect? Why would you stay in a marriage where he expressed multiple times, loud and clear, that he chooses her over you? YTA to yourself.
Just divorce him, and don’t make it an ultimatum. You’re wasting your own time with this guy.
It was husband you needed to talk to. It’s him who doesn’t seem to realise you should come first.
Honestly, I would never have married a man who is this close to another woman.
I would leave and never look back.
I’m sorry, but you should have never married him. Based on your own words, he’s always been this way. Let her have him and go build a real future for yourself.
You were never his priority in the relationship, it wasn’t going to start once you two married and it won’t start if you file for divorce.
You deserve better.
That’s a creepy and unnatural relationship. Run, you deserve better
Stop talking to your husband about her and talk to him about his behaviors. How come when another woman feels uncomfortable you rushed to her side and belittle me but when I feel uncomfortable, you push down my feelings and defend another woman. Highlight that he is focusing on someone outside of your marriage and do not mention her by name. Just talk about it genetically
I would have canoed that relationship from the get go. You’re the side piece
Sorry OP, but I think your husband has a second wife.
NTA
Your husband seems to have no concept of boundaries are appropriate for a married man, or even what a marriage commitment means. There are three people in this relationship – unless you want to spend the rest of your life like this, consider moving on.
NTA Respect yourself more and leave him
NTA I am a little sister to my brother and we don’t act like this. This is bat shit crazy. You may not have found evidence of physical cheating but make no mistake he’s been unfaithful with his emotions since day one. You feel like a third wheel because you are.
NTA – but you’re kind of an AH to yourself. You expressed your desires to your husband, he didn’t care. You asked for boundaries to Mia, she didn’t care.
It tells you everything you need to know. If you give him an ultimatum, he will resent you and Mia will do whatever she can to break you.
Your only option is to run away while you can, while you have all your life ahead (you’re only 28) to find someone who will put you first and not some unresolved teenage love. You will never get these years of your life back, stop wasting more of them.
OP, you’re still young. You’ve got plenty of time to move on from this. Put yourself first.
ESH. You can’t make boundaries for other people. Boundaries are “if you do this, I will do this” and right now, the boundaries you need are with your husband. “If you prioritize Mia’s feelings over her breakup over our anniversary trip, I will XYZ.” Then follow through. Boundaries mean nothing without consequences.
At this point though, don’t demand to be picked like he’s some great prize to lord over Mia’s head. Just leave. Preferably with your dignity intact
Sorry but there is no way I would stay in a marriage (or even enter one) where I came second. Leave this relationship and when all these AH call you insecure let them know you are secure enough to know you deserve to come first in your marriage. You are secure enough to know you deserve a partner loyal to you. And you are secure enough to know your feelings are valid and a respectful healthy partner would validate them not gaslight you. As far as your question. NTA, you tried to communicate openly, next time record all conversations , they are manipulators.
I wouldn’t last five minutes in a relationship with that dude. You are the third wheel and he doesn’t care to make you feel any better about an obvious boundary issue.
This type of man disgusts me! He didn’t go after the one he really wanted (I don’t know why) and now he makes the life of his WIFE miserable! He doesn’t prioritize her, make her like the third wheel in her own relationship!
You deserve better! Deserve to be the first choice in your relationship!
Leave him and find your happiness…
Updateme
Nta but yta to yourself for not making a hard cold line. Your husband needs to see you’re serious.
Me or her. Thats it. No back and forth. No deflecting. No more gaslighting.
When he starts that shit, walk off. Tell him you’re not listening to any more excuses. Theyre too involved and hes married to you; not her.
He starts in? You grab a bag and tell him me or her. And leave. Block him and her and stay gone for a couple of days. Let him stew. Let him imagine. Let him wonder. He needs to feel frantic.
When a man gets married his wife is the number one priority, not an another woman. That’s why they call it a marriage. Sorry, but you need to move on to man who values you.
NTA tell him it’s her or you. Update us.
for all that is holy, please leave him.
Girl, get that key back from her and reel your boy in! She is too much a part of your marriage! If neither of them will listen, maybe it’s time you find someone else. He is definitely putting her over you. Her response to your talk was way out of line too. You have every right to expect your marriage to be private.
Yta, don’t make Mia responsible for your husbands actions. He’s the problem and clearly he made his choice when you two fought and he spent hours with her. I think you’re just putting off the inevitable conversation where he confirms Mia is before you and you need a divorce.
He’ll never choose you and deep down, you know it.
You asked him to put it on simmer to be respectful of your relationship. He refused.
You asked HER to be respectful of your relationship, she refused and attacked you, then HE attacked you for trying to do it yourself.
It’s time for HIM to explain the “be a better wife” comment that his confidante made. He has obviously talked outside the marriage. His answer will be your answer as to whether you can salvage this.
Let her know she can only use the key for emergencies. Not as she pleases. This is how affairs always start. Don’t worry about her she’s just a friend is what most cheaters will tell you. You have every right to be concerned.
You have tried talking to your husband and that didn’t work and you have also tried talking to his friend and that didn’t work. Time to put your mental health first and give him an ultimatum. I normally am not a fan of ultimatums but I think he deserves one. If that don’t work then tell your husband he can spend ALL his time with her because you won’t be around to occupy him. If he chooses her then you know who he really is and take his ass to the cleaners. Let him know when you play stupid games you win stupid prizes
I don’t think you should’ve gone to her because your husband is the one who disrespects you and allows Mia to also disrespect you. He is CHOSING her over you every single time.
While you haven’t found anything, they are having an emotional affair. Not everyone that cheats gets caught. I was married 20 yrs. Found out he cheated with who is now his gf from his niece AFTER the divorce.
Think about these scenarios and then make your decision..
1. If you were pregnant and in labor, but Mia needed him, would you be there alone?
2. If you have children, are you comfortable with him taking her baby name suggestions? Making fun of weight gain? Leaving you w/your child to go “help” or ‘rescue” Mia? This means you fall into 3rd place. (Mia, child, and then you)
3. Can you honestly live with YOU being the afterthought for the next 20-30 years?
OP i think you need to set him down one last time and talk to him. Tell him how you feel disrespected and if he thinks you are over reacting then say we are done until you feel like i am more important to you than Mia. Tell him he has two weeks to give you his answer. After that you will seek legal advice.
NTA, but you have a husband problem. He might not be having a physical affair with her but he sure is having an emotional affair with her.
NTA
The way you describe it, even if his friend was a dude it’s a little too much in my opinion.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Even in your short post, there are so many red flags. You need to have a serious sit-down with your husband. I know you’ve tried and he’s never taken you seriously. However, you have to be straightforward and tell him you’re at your breaking point. If nothing changes, you have to leave for your own sake. You’re the other woman in your own marriage. You deserve so much better than that.
NTA you need to get you husband to decide. Hell tell him tonight that you are going to see a lawyer tomorrow about divorce and see what he does. My guess is he runs to her house
ESH. Why anyone puts up with this is beyond me.
I think that if you are honest to yourself, you’ll realize that it’s not normal. Cut your loss, otherwise you will lose even more, your time, your youth and your dignity.
There is no need to analyze this over and over again and hoping that your husband or Mia will change. If there is a change, it’ll be them get together. It’s time to rip that bandaid.
Sorry for being harsh. Good luck!
If there is ANY hope of salvaging this marriage, then counseling is a must (though from what you’ve told us, the odds are stacked against you, since it seems that you are the only person willing and able to see how hurtful and problematic your husband’s behavior is). An objective outside party to help make sure you and your husband each feel heard and to help put things into perspective and help you communicate is a must. Or at the very least, it might help your husband come to terms with his priorities and feelings.
But the fact is that your husband has not respected your needs/wants/feelings and boundaries should have been set and agreed upon before you got married. If he’s not willing to agree to boundaries such that you feel the need to go behind his back and appeal to his friend, that should be enough to at the very least separate, if not file for divorce for irreconcilable differences.
ESH
I don’t understand how you still think of him as your man tbh
NTA.
YTA
You deal with him. If you can’t solve your problems by dealing with him, then he is your problem.
This doesn’t end well for you and that sucks. I’m sorry. So many 🚩🚩
Good luck
They are in denial over the feelings they have for each other!
She ‘coincidentally” has her 1st bad break-up the day before you go on your anniversary trip????
I’d be pissed also if my wife ran off like that!
If anyone, she needed a female friend to come, console her that night. NOT a married man without his wife.
You acted appropriately! You spoke to your husband, and didn’t get the response you had hoped for. You have to protect your marriage by confronting her, which you did calmly and maturely respecting their friendship.
What happens next is on him to figure out!
From a married man
You can’t ask a person see to respect the boundaries of person B when you’re a person A. You can only ask for respect for your own boundaries.
NTA, why are you with a man who clearly loves and respects his best friend more than you?
I have a lot of married male friends and am single. I always always try to become friends with their wives. And I am sensitive to the boundaries of both.
You need to insist on marriage counseling. Now. This friend is not respecting your marriage. Neither is your husband.
NTA
But, maybe the fool. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Are you aware that your marriage is interfering with the relationship between your husband and Mia? I’m curious how you ended up married without realizing you’re in a throuple? Mia likes having Jake as a backup while she shops around, and he’s been waiting for her for too many years. You should remove yourself from their relationship. You can find someone that loves you the way your husband loves Mia. Good luck! 🌹
NTA. MIA knows exactly what she is doing and doesn’t give a damn about your marriage. Her I was here first bullshit is proof. Your husband was willing to cancel an anniversary trip for her. And she obviously knew about the trip. That is probably the reason for the timing of the call. You need to decide if you are willing to play second fiddle for the rest of your life. If not, DTMFA
NTA.
She actually said to you that she was his friend long before you came along and if you were confident in your marriage, their friendship wouldn’t threaten you then told you to be a better wife? This from a woman who has had one short term relationship in the last 6 years that you’ve known her? Then she turned on the waterworks when talking to him later?
What experience does she have to give you marriage advice?
You need to show your husband this post and these replies. Because he is not a good husband if he is on the same page as her and thinks that she should come before his wife every time due to meeting each other before the two of you met.
He is a terrible husband for taking her side because she phoned him crying and he immediately assumed that you had upset her when she was absolutely fine when you were together.
Your husband is an imbecile if he doesn’t see that she is doing everything she can to undermine your marriage.
Again, please show him your post and our responses. Let him see that he is about to lose his wife because his friend is a vindictive person who wants him for herself and is playing him.
NTA. He’s made his choice, and it isn’t you, sadly. Go reclaim your life and let them have each other.
NTA. Eff that whole situation. He has proven that Mia will always take precedence over you. That’s not a marriage. Leave him and find something better. You deserve better OP.
Your husband has a girlfriend. Not a girl who is a friend but a girlfriend.
>He’s angry that I made Mia uncomfortable
But it’s fine and dandy that she makes you uncomfortable. Why did he even marry you? He’s never going to put you first. NTA.
Don’t you think you deserve to feel like your husband’s wife, rather than the third wheel?
You’ve tried talking to him about it– nothing.
You’ve talked to her about it– it made things worse.
You’re left with two options, now. You can stay and accept this state of things forever (or maybe they’ll eventually cheat on you physically, instead of just emotionally). Or you can leave this relationship that is not fulfilling for you in its current state (which you now know will never change, at least not for the better).
What kind of life do you want to live? Because it doesn’t sound like your current life is making you happy at all.
WHY did you marry him when you KNEW you would only be 2nd best. Girl, get your head on straight.
You didn’t do anything wrong by talking to her but you probably should have brought it up with your husband first. She’s too much, she needs to take a few steps back and so does your husband. I tried looking at this from the ‘what if they were both guys’ perspective but it’s still too much. The real problem is that you’ve left it too long, this would have been easier 5 or 6 years ago in the early days. I don’t know how you address this directly without major issues. If you want to be crafty set her up with someone accidentally on purpose.
This should have been addressed before you got married. They are entwined in an unhealthy way and honestly your best bet is to let him have her and leave. You will always be second to her. What happens when you have kids? Is she going to decide how you raise them? Are you going to have to come up with parenting plans together? Is he going to make your kids call her mom as well?
How you ended up married to this guy without solving this first is beyond me.
Stand up for yourself and leave this man
Get all your ducks in a row – prepare your finances, where you will live, get a support group that will be on your side and not try to get you back with Jake. Convince yourself that you will be better off without him, because you absolutely will be better off. You can rebuild, and the unknown is better than your marriage. Be brave!
This is not a situation that will be better. Mia is not actually the problem – the problem is that your husband doesn’t listen to you, is dismissive of your feelings. He is selfish, disrespectful and seems oblivious or even willing to hurt you. Even without Mia, you can’t stay with a guy like that because it will come up again in different ways in your life. Don’t waste time building assets and maybe even a family together because it will be harder and more devastating to leave tomorrow.
NTA but try to leave amicably. Maybe they will invite you to the wedding six months after the divorce.
Don’t ever allow someone to make you less than. They both do this to you. I say along with the rest here, let them have each other and you go on and have a beautiful life with someone that wants to be with YOU! Fuk your mil as well. Toss out the whole lot of them and start fresh.
He’s going to pick her. You are the third wheel in their relationship.
He has everything he needs and wants with her, but sex.
Sex and marriage with you, and an emotional marriage to Mia.
Was this pulled from a “discarded wife” web novel?
I’m not going to say YTA bit the bottom line is your ultimatum isn’t going to work.
Their relationship is inappropriate and they don’t care because they’re getting away with it.
My husband’s best friend is a woman. Yeah there’s times that it’s difficult but it’s always my insecurities NOT their actual behavior. THIS is NOT that.
Honestly, just tell him you’re done. Then IF he chooses to change its on him. You force him to choose, even if he chooses you, he’ll resent you for it.
NTA. Please leave him now. This will never get better.
Just something else to ponder: perhaps Mia can’t keep a boyfriend because of her “best friend Jake” ????
YTAH. To yourself. He has chose her over you. What changes do you expect from him. He is very consistent. He chooses her. I don’t know if you believe you have no other options other than him, only you know that, but, you are not his first and last choice, she is. Either become okay with this, or you change and improve your life. He isn’t vested enough in you. You seem to have given over your happiness to him, which is a problem you need to explore and understand why. You know what HE is doing is not right. Don’t blame her for his actions. He could have easily just concentrated on his wife while on anniversary, he chose not to. So, that is your answer. From your post you have made it abundantly clear you are uncomfortable. He chose to keep you uncomfortable, now, it is your choice to stay or go. If you stay, then you are accepting his behavior and need to stop complaining about it. You control your own happiness, if he is making you unhappy, and you CHOOSE to stay, then your heartache is your responsibility, now. You could have chosen your happiness over him and moved on, or, chosen to be unhappy while he enjoyed having you around while he prioritized her. Seems he wins and you lose. How are you going to react. Updateme.
Your husband might not be interested in her but she’s definitely interested in him.
If it were me, I would figure out how to show him how it feels. Folks like this only understand if it happens to them. Don’t be exactly the same but find things you enjoy doing without him and insist on not including him. Tell him to stop being insecure about it when he complains.
Or just Stop Worrying about that b!tch and let nature take its course and be totally disinterested when he finally leaves.
Being unhappy is a good enough reason to leave.
Just file for divorce. This man will never put you first and lied to you during his wedding vows.
“here’s the thing-” flagging this for AI
Jake is the problem. Jake and Mia takes precedence over Jake and Op, every time. Leave Mia alone, and figure out when you’re going to respect yourself enough to stop the charade. ESH, but mostly Jake.
I don’t think this is any different from same sex close friendships. You know, the bros who can’t quite let go after the couple marries. Or the girlfriends who still expect to spend as much time together as ever after the wedding. Or even the parents who can’t break ties with their “baby”.
You and Jake need to have a talk about what getting married is. And what it’s not. It isn’t a continuation of life as it was. Oh, sure you can keep the same friends and you stay close to your parents but you and your spouse are a new relationship. A couple who (I hope) have common goals and one of them is being “one”, not one with a best friend always included in things and in decisions. If Jake doesn’t get it then sadly you will have to do one of two things. Accept Mia being a third wheel in your marriage or divorce Jake. I don’t suggest divorce lightly. I just am not sure how serious Jake is about being in a marriage. Good luck.
What did I just read? I barely got into the first 10 sentences and thought , what a low self esteem fool wrote this?