My husband (36M) and I (34F) have been married for 3 years and have a 4-year-old son together. He also has a daughter (almost 10) from his previous marriage who lives in the UK with her mother. We live in the U.S. (my husband has a startup), his dad and step-mother live in UK, but his mom has been living in Spain for the past 6-7 years after her retirement. My husband is an only child. So basically, the geographical family situation is a complicated matter. Over the first year of dating, I flew to the UK with him several times to meet his daughter, who is an absolute sweetheart. We bonded quickly. I also met his father and we have good relationship (his dad and his mom are not in contact for quite a time).
He rarely mentioned his mom, other than calling her “peculiar.” When I got pregnant, he suggested we go to Spain to meet his mother—and for his daughter to get some beach time. He asked me not to mention the pregnancy, saying he wanted to “approach it delicately.” By the time we arrived at his mom’s house, I was 11 weeks pregnant and extremely nauseous. We had a long multi-leg trip (including picking up his daughter in London), and I was absolutely wiped. His mom greeted us coldly but civilly. I chalked it up to her personality and tried not to take it personally. For the next two days, I was mostly in bed, sick and exhausted. She remained distant. Then on day three, while we were all having breakfast, she suddenly began criticizing me to my husband as if I wasn’t in the room. She said he should’ve chosen someone “more cheerful,” and accused me of being lazy and doing nothing to help with his daughter. Then she said she wasn’t ready for his “new relationship.” My husband tried to defend me and finally told her I was pregnant and not feeling well. She exploded, saying he was out of his mind and the baby “should never have happened”—right in front of me and his daughter. We packed up and left for a hotel immediately. I was in shock. I’m a successful, respected woman, and I’ve never been spoken to like that. In the car, I told him it would be the first and last time I set foot in her house. He agreed.
Since then, she’s basically been cut off. She was not invited to our wedding, never asked to see our son, and barely messages on holidays. She also made zero effort to maintain a relationship with her only granddaughter, and blames my husband for it. Fast forward to this summer: she suddenly wants to see her granddaughter again and is pressuring my husband. She says it’s his fault she’s “lost” this relationship and now claims she’d be open to seeing our son. My husband asked if we could go to Spain as a family so she can spend time with his daughter. He doesn’t want to go without me since we both work intense jobs and don’t get much family time. Plus, we want our kids to spend time together.
I told him absolutely not. I don’t want to facilitate a relationship between her and anyone, and I certainly won’t expose our son to someone who once said he shouldn’t exist. Our son is old enough now to ask questions, and I don’t want him to feel left out or confused by being excluded. Also, I refuse to be treated like some second-class member of this family.
I told him that if his mother wants to see his daughter, she can reach out to her mom (although I know it’s unrealistic). Now I feel like I’m stuck in the middle. I want to protect my son and myself, but I also don’t want to hurt my stepdaughter or limit her relationship with her grandma if she wants one. Part of me is pissed at my husband for even asking, another part tells me I’m unreasonable .
So… AITA for saying no to this visit and not allowing my MIL to see either child?
Comments
You are NTA. But you may be shortsighted. Is this going to bother your husband and cause long term issues between you? It might make sense to give it another try. If she flames out again, you guys leave and go hang out with the kids on the beach, and then it never needs to be brought up again.
NTA. Your MIL is STILL not taking accountability for what she did last time! she’s blaming your husband for losing the relationship, and acting like she’s finally ready to see your son. But why would you expect better behavior from her now when she still can’t admit her poor behavior from before?
Until she owns up to her past actions, there’s no reason to trust she won’t just repeat the same disrespectful behavior. Your priority is protecting your kids, and your concerns are completely valid.
She needs to show change first. Maybe husband can go meet his mom one on one first. Then you and hubby can go see her. She can’t act that way in front of your kids, and if she doesn’t understand that, she needs to get used to Christmas cards as her visits. Seeing her grandchild is a privilege. She needs to earn it.
NTA!
It might be worth it to try to compromise on this. Like go but set some serious boundaries. I would suggest boundaries like staying in a hotel rather than with her. Also if she acts a certain way or says certain things you guys leave immediately to go enjoy your holiday without her. It’s a hard place to be in for you and your husband. And honestly she sounds awful. But she is his mom so it is probably worth thinking about ways to compromise that keep you and your kids completely safe while letting him have the contact with her that he wants. But that compromise needs to absolutely hinge on you and the kids staying completely safe.
It’s not up to YOU or your husband to facilitate a relationship between your step-daughter and her grandmother. That responsibility is between grandma and the custodial parent. If she wants to see her, she can either travel to the UK or she can have your husband’s ex bring her.
Getting her there is not your job. If you want to take her somewhere, bring her to the US to spend time with her.
NTA because you are only trying to protect your kids. A compromise could be that she comes to you and you’re on home where you can kick her out at any time if she disrespects you, your husband or your family. I wouldn’t necessarily be surprised if she wasn’t just trying to get some new photos so that she can look like the best Facebook Grandma you’ve ever seen
She is ready to see her grandson after 4 friggin’ years? Wow! Just wow!
Tell her you’ll get back to her when he’s 8. You need time to process her request.
NTA your MIL is a vile piece of shit, and doesn’t deserve anyone doing anything for her. If she wants a relationship,she can fucking pay to go meet her grandkid.
NTA. MIL has shown you what sort of a grandparent she will be. Protect your kids from that negativity.
NTA. Always cut toxic people out of your life and protect your kids.
Refusing to let family see family always comes from a point of offense and pride. And you have your rights that stand in opposition to what they want.
What you should do is hold their desire of seeing the kids as a common grounds to an apology they should give you.
You hold the cards. They dont. Maybe somethings they have said are outlandish or preposterous. Stupid peopke say stupid shit all the time. This won’t be the first or last time they say stupid shit.
It would be a good time to show them the kind of mother you are going to be and the bullshit you won’t tolerate. So leverage their desire to see the kids into a way of seeing the error of their ways.
Regardless of who is right or wrong, the power stays where it stays. They are YOUR kids. So process that and follow the course
NTA
UpdateMe
Your MIL needs to apologize directly to you and promise she will treat you with respect. She should also have to come to the US to see your family.
Part of me is pissed at my husband for even asking, another part tells me I’m unreasonable
NTA. Listen to the part which is telling you to be irritated that your husband even suggested such a stupid idea. You are not being unreasonable. MIL sounds like a classic ill-tempered, controlling narcissist.
NTA
It’s one thing if your husband wants to continue to have a relationship with his mother, he’s an adult and can navigate the difficult emotions and her obvious mental illnesses. However, subjecting your stepdaughter or son to her is unfathomable to me. I would reach out to stepdaughter‘s mother and see if she wants a stepdaughter around MIL. DNA does not mean she has unfettered access to children. She can do damage
Why is your husband even considering this meeting? She’s not right in the head, no I’m not saying she’s mentally ill. People like her don’t change and I’d definitely decline subjecting my children to her. I’d really question your husband’s judgment here because it doesn’t make sense.
NTA! If MIL wants a relationship with her son, your son, and perhaps you, let her come to you. Let her make the effort!! She’s close enough to London that she can visit granddaughter on her own. Or fly stepdaughter to you. Stop placating her wishes. Set some hard boundaries with her if your husband won’t. Set the precedent. “This is how it is!”
Good luck.
Your MIL sounds like a nut-job. Also, sounds like everything has to be on her terms.
Has anyone spoken to the ex? Maybe she doesn’t want your stepdaughter around her, if she was that vile…
If your MIL wants to see your kid, she can come to the kid. And she can stay in a hotel while she’s visiting.
NTA
NTA. It sounds like MIL has some kind of personality disorder. I wouldn’t want her around my kids. What she said and did was so outrageous that only someone who was mentally ill would think it was okay. Tell your husband that you understand if he wants to go see her, but that your son is too young and vulnerable to handle it when she behaves that way and it’s too much for him to ask that of you, too.
INFO: Why Spain? His daughter lives in the UK. You, your husband, and your kids can all spend time as a family in the UK. Spain doesn’t need to be involved.
MIL’s behavior will not be different. You are right to protect your child from that woman.
I think you should encourage your husband to keep his daughter away from her. She’s old enough now to really understand the hate and vitriol coming from her grandmother and it’ll be confusing and depressing, and she’ll think it’s her fault.
It’s time for a very deep and sincere conversation with your husband. It’s obvious he’s under pressure from his mother and he’s a nice guy so he wants to give her the benefit of the doubt. But, she will not magically become a loving and empathetic human being, no matter how much your husband wishes she could.
Without knowing your husband’s reaction to your refusal it’s hard to provide a judgement.
NTA I’d suggest hubby send contact info to his mom so she can reach out to step kids mom directly. She seems toxic and since you know that you have a responsibility to protect your son from her
NTA. It baffles me why people think it’s so important for kids to have a relationship with toxic relatives. She’s so awful that her son never wants to see her, but he will facilitate her having access to his child? Why?
NTA. Keep your kids far away from MIL and go no contact.
I would leave the decision for his daughter to see his mother up to his daughter’s mom and his daughter. Like you said, she probably won’t contact mom to ask so don’t facilitate it on your end. If she does contact mom and daughter’s mom says yes, there isn’t much you can do in the US while daughter is in the UK.
I wouldn’t touch her with a vaccinated crow bar. Something in her is missing. She’s mean and that’s not going to change. I’m afraid this may be firmly in her DNA. Protect the children but never restrict the hubby. Perhaps he shouldn’t see her either because she’s so mean but his choice.
Update me
Nta: I would be quite concerned about her having another insane outburst like she did with you, and traumatizing your son!
NTA. You’re not stuck in the middle. Protect yourself and your child! Your husband won’t
Nta.
However where I would “compromise” on this kind of a situation would be to go on vacation and spend an afternoon with the MIL… somewhere neutral and with plenty of distractions.
Let’s pretend that the MIL lives near Barcelona. They could meet at Park Güell and tour it and then stop for churros y chocolate before going your separate ways.
That way, it is a limit in how much time is spent with her. Husband can visit with his mom, and the kids will be racing ahead with everything there is to see there. And you will be chasing after the kids…so anything she says will primarily be out of your earshot.
She gets the photo op. Your son and step daughter also get the photo op that 15 years from now will randomly become strangely important to them. And your husband will appreciate it.
Seeing her can be one tiny component of a fantastic vacation.
Great seeing you MIL! Tomorrow we are driving north to the Peaks of Europe. We are taking the tram up to the top of the Picos de Europa and then hiking down.