original post i made : https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/s/BCA9R4jwbk
Hi guys, i never really post on reddit so im not sure how to post an update,, but i wanted to share what happened next and ask what i should do next.
So my boyfriend (M19) had strongly urged me to tell my mom, but i was really really uncomfortable to do so. I have been sexually assaulted twice in the past so this is a pretty sensitive topic for me and i don’t like discussing these topics with ANYONE.
I told him i really didn’t want to, but he told me that the behaviour my step dad had shown was absolutely unacceptable. To be honest i was willing to let this situation slide just because i was that uncomfortable about it i just wanted to forget about it.
But he gave me an ultimatum, either i tell my mom or he does it for me. I thought that was a bit harsh but he has a heart of gold and kept telling me that no sane man would ever say that to his step daughter and that i shouldn’t let this slide (also for the sake of my sisters).
So i asked him if he would call my mom about it for me and he agreed. He called her and they had a respectable conversation.
My mom was very understanding of the situation and my boyfriend explained everything to her and how that made me feel.
However after the call i came downstairs to get a drink and my mom and step dad were lounging in the living room when my mom told me to sit down for a talk. She told me that what my step dad said wasn’t okay and really weird but that he is an idiot and has a natural talent of making people uncomfortable (she gave an example that the previous day they went to a bbq and my step dad hugged one of the women there a bit too long and awkwardly while she watched and got annoyed ).
She told me he meant well, and my step dad nodded. He said sorry and that it was never his intention to make me uncomfortable. and i forgave him.
But i cant shake but the feeling of uncomfortableness around him, as previously mentioned i have been assaulted before although i have never been open about it (except for with my boyfriend), im by nature a very anxious person and i have a lot of mistrust in men from previous experiences and im working on it every day.
He could’ve meant well by saying i was “hot and sexy” but the whole “i would’ve dated you if i wasn’t married to your mom” makes me a little nauseous, i cant look him in the eyes anymore without immediately looking away and i have a feeling my bad mood is rubbing off on the whole family.
My mom also gave me a talking to about not taking public transport whenever im dressed up.
I also wanted to apologise for the late update, i have been on vacation the past week.
So any thoughts ??? thx guys
Comments
First comment, I like your bf. I like how he was thinking about you and your sisters when he made that ultimatum. As someone who also has a hard time confronting others, standing up for myself, and generally going along with the flow as to not upset anyone, I totally get your hesitance and anxiety over all of this.
I can not help but feel nervous for you also while you are around or have to interact with your step-dad. Just be on your guard and avoid him whenever possible. I guess it’s possible that some have a knack for making others feel uncomfortable, but with my anxiety, I would still be weary around him too and wonder if he did mean it as said or not.
Your boyfriend is a keeper. Great guy
I feel for you. I’m sorry but I feel like you mother took his side. If you were my child I would have ripped him one and has a side conversation with you on how to protect yourself. Your mother is weak.
Well please protect yourself. Don’t be alone with him. Get a camera for your room. Let
Let other family member know of his behavior. So he knows people are watching him.
Im so sorry this was your mom’s response.
She legitimizes his creepy conduct with you by reducing your stepdad’s behavior to “natural talent for making people uncomfortable,” then gives you an example of how he was creepily inappropriate with some other woman, (hugging her too long.) your mom has totally “normalized” his predator behavior.
Ask yourself- or your mom: does he do this with men and boys, hug them too long, start in with the hot, sexy talk when they’re in swim wear or formal wear?
Something tells me he does not, but either way, his conduct is sexually inappropriate and socially unacceptable, and THAT’S why it makes people uncomfortable.
Stepdad is old enough to have figured out social rules by now. This guy knows what he’s doing.
I get the need to stay at home to finish school, but be careful. He may or may not try again. The fact that your mom has chosen to blow it off as garden-variety social awkwardness tells me this has happened numerous times before, and will continue.