Hi,
I (30F) have been with my husband (30M) for 5.5 years. The start of our relationship was great, we got very close during lockdown and really bonded. But the years that followed were incredibly hard for him.
He lost both of his parents to cancer — his mother first, and then his father just a year ago. I supported him through all of it. He had to give up a doctoral opportunity in Germany to return to his home country and be with his mother. It was heartbreaking for him.
Last year, after his father passed away, he was offered a post-doc position at an Ivy League university in the US. He was thrilled about it, but said he wouldn’t accept unless I came with him. I knew how important this opportunity was to him, so I left my job and life behind, and we got married so I could move to the US with him.
Now, months later, I feel completely lost. I miss my life, my country, my job, my support network. I’ve started to regret leaving it all behind. When I brought this up gently with him, he had a serious anxiety attack and told me he couldn’t do this alone, and that if I left, he didn’t think he’d manage.
I feel stuck. I love him and I don’t want to hurt him, especially after everything he’s been through. But I’m also drowning in my own unhappiness, and I don’t know how to talk about it without making him feel like I’m abandoning him.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? How do you support someone you love while also honoring your own needs and identity?
Comments
How long is his commitment for? I would recommend finding local interest groups to meet friends if you want to be in it for the long haul with the guy. It’s normal to feel the blues when you first get here.
My advice would be leave him immediately
You gave up everything to hold him up but now you’re sinking. Love needs balance or you’ll lose yourself trying to save him.
You can’t pour from an empty cup. If you’re miserable and drowning, it’s not fair to either of you. You need to have a real conversation with him — not about leaving, but about balance. Tell him that you’re not abandoning him, but that you need to find a way to support him and take care of yourself. Maybe that means you get back into work, or you create a new support network in the US.
It’s okay to want something for yourself, even if that means making him feel uncomfortable for a minute. He’ll either find a way to cope or he’ll need therapy to help him with that — but that’s on him. You’re not his therapist or emotional caretaker
How long have you been there? Have you met any people? Have you found a job?
I’ve never been in a similar situation, but I moved away to study and have a couple of friends who also moved away for work and I saw their struggles.
Moving to another city is basically restarting your life. You need to make friends, find new places for your hobbies, find new supermarkets, new routines, etc. and if you don’t study and don’t bond with anyone at work it can be quite hard. From experience there the better option is hobbies. You will probably never substitute your friends and there is nothing like being surrounded by your family, but exploring new hobbies or continuing your previous ones can give you a sense of belonging and continuation there.
Your husband seems very frightened about you leaving him behind, probably he feels you are essential for his success there both emotionally but mentally because he trusts your opinion and he knows you got his back. Perhaps the hypothesis of going back is a bit extreme (depends on how much time you have been trying to be happy there) but it is important that you feel supported too. I don’t think that support means necessarily supporting you on going back, but more like helping you find a connection and a community and some of the things you are missing at the moment there.
Go for a break to visit family back home. You don’t have to give up on the whole thing! Find ways to re-establish your needs. It will come to a fruitful end. You’re supposed to be a team so he should understand you are running a bit low.
Be honest with yourself, you never really wanted to be married.
Get yourself a therapist to talk this over with. Ideally your partner should be able to have these conversations with you, but they have let you know they can’t. But you need to bounce ideas and options. It has been only a few months, so of course it is going to be hard as a the trailing spouse. What opportunities are opened up now you are in the US? Travel, study, a new job or career? This is a just a season of your life, that you feel stuck right now doesn’t mean you will spend the rest of your life whee you are. But talk to someone. It’s ok to not know all the answers right now.