I stay calm, and ask who invited her, but nobody knows. She makes her rounds, says happy birthday to my Dad, and leaves after 15 minutes. I wasnt upset because it’s like her to be bold like that. I actually felt sorry for her. After she left, to calm everybody down, i announce that im ok, and not angry that she came, and that she was only showing respect to my Dad. I ask again who did it, and my Dad says that he did it, and that him and my younger sister had been coordinating and talking to my ex all day about it. I told my father that a respectful courtesy would’ve been appreciated. As i sat in my chair, it started to process. and i felt extremely hurt by the whole thing. I still do. Not just angry, but hurt also. I paid for the food, the cake, and 2 very expensive gifts for my Dad. The more hurt i felt, the more angrier i looked. I was doing my best, but it was no use. I forced myself through the rest of the night, gave him his gifts and left. Am i wrong for being hurt? I feel like it was an extremely foolish and inconsiderate thing for them to do. My Father has the excuse of being old, but my younger sister had to know exactly what she was doing. Im trying not to be upset because i really dont want to go that route, but i am hurt. Am i wrong for this? I dont see how i could be.
Im sitting at the table at my Dad’s birthday. Close family only. Then the door bell rings, and im trying to make out who they let in the door. As im looking, I recognize its my ex-wife.
r/AITAH
Comments
yeah, its understandable you are hurt
Are you ready to cut people out of your life?
or are you going to supress these feelings and allow them to stomp all over your boundaries until you explode and do some things you’re not proud of?
you know what you need to do.
NTA – cut them out
NTA ur feelings are valid. U stayed calm and respectful even when blindsided. They went behind ur back at an event u organized and paid for. That’s not just inconsiderate, it’s hurtful. U’re allowed to be upset
You’re absolutely not wrong for feeling hurt. A heads up would’ve been the bare minimum. It was your event to plan and pay for, and they let someone into your space without your consent. That’s not okay, no matter the intention.
NTA you’re entitled to your feelings but it sounds like something you can express your feelings about & move on.
I don’t understand why you’re trying to be the person trying to calm a situation you didn’t create. Why were you trying to calm everyone down? Why did you think people who would invite your ex and keep it from you needed help staying calm?
You’re a pushover. I would have demanded why dad did that. Don’t make excuses for him, being old isn’t being stupid or crazy. I would have left with the gifts and left them to pay for dinner. Jesus, this sounds made up because no one reacts like this. You just sat there not asking any questions or making any demands? Why?
You ain’t wrong, brother. They are and SHE is for accepting the invitation. I wouldn’t say you’re wrong if you go no contact with all of them. If they say “you’re overreacting” , “being dramatic”, or “too sensitive” you know you made the right decision.
Was the intention to try to get you back together? Bc that nonsense only works in the movies.
NTA. But….have you always been so weak? Speak up. Have an opinion. It doesn’t matter how old your father is. He did you wrong and you need to at least speak up for yourself.
NTA. That is absurd. Let me guess, your dad and your sister like your ex and are hoping you’ll get back together.
I’ll play devil’s advocate. Why are you upset she was invited? Why did it bother you, your dad and sister invited her?
To me it seems you’re more mad at the fact they still keep in touch with your ex.
NTA for how you feel. Why on earth would your ex turn up anyway? Or is this the “boldness” you refer to? It seems like selfishness and thoughtlessness rather than boldness though I guess it depends what she was told.
Have you asked your Dad and sister why they invited her? Why they were happy to see you uncomfortable and unhappy? Is this common for them? If they want to see your ex so badly why can’t they arrange that separately when you are not there, paying for all the food?
This is so hurtful! They could have coordinated a phone call without you present. A window into your life post divorce is non of her business!
NTA. I get you didn’t want to ruin the party, that was a kindness. Now that it’s over, time to have a convo with dad and sis about boundaries. If they want to see your ex on their own time, not your business, you don’t want to hear/know about it. But family functions, particularly the ones you’re fitting the bill for, that’s a hell no. Or you just will opt out in the future if it happens again. And that includes taking away your wallet.
At least your ex only stayed 15 and bailed. Not sure what point she was making other than she hasn’t let go of your family?
No excuses for age. Dad and sis did this to lord it over you.
NTA You have every right to be upset. It was a very adult thing to do not to ruin his birthday celebration by doing anything. Set a boundary so they don’t pull that shit again.
Let him know you don’t trust him with anymore invites.
You are not wrong to feel hurt. Let your father know this.
NTA. Sucks to hear man.
Does your sister have an ex? Next family gathering be sure to invite them. See how she likes it.
NTA. I’d call out your dad and sister for being hurtful and disrespectful. Let them know you’ll just skip the next family gathering because you’re not going to be used for their free meal and entertainment. They were AHs.
If you had a long term marriage with her and she was loved by your family then it makes some sense.
But whyyyy… And don’t forget this.
Did they tell you why they didn’t? That’s important to know their reasoning.
Wow, your dad’s an ass. He doesn’t get a pass for his age. That’s just straight up asshole.
Same for your sister. Straight. up. asshole.
Why on earth would they purposely hurt you that way?
NTA
NTA. I know you are upset and hurt, but did you ever find out what the purpose was for inviting her? Do your dad and sis still keep in touch with your ex? It just seems odd an invite for a 15-minute drive-by greeting (thank goodness that’s all it was and she didn’t stay).
Your feelings are very valid