hi guys ( I give some context before the main issue sorry, I ramble, my grammar and eveyrbting is probably off and this all might be confusing, apologizes in advance)
so i (f21) started dating my bf (m21) a couple of months ago (4 months) and so far it’s been great, it’s my first official relationship I’ve never been treated so good and he spoils me in every way little and big and I can feel he genuinely loves me. The only issues we’ve had are around trust, on his part, his longest relationship from maybe 16-18 ish treated him horribly, lied behind his back cheated, stole money from him and his sister, and more.
he just has a really hard time trusting me which I have been extremely patient with and always give him reassurance (also bc i understand bc i have had horrible past relationships) and make an open space for any conversations needed to make him feel safe, which he tells me is something he loves about me.
Any issues we have had stem from that+ personal insecurities , from him getting insecure about little things , such as me having an old playlist public on Spotify from my “ex” who passed away and have posts of him , and old Instagram story posts I have of me like kind of in “lingerie” type wear but not showing anything truly explicit, getting upset that I didn’t respond to his FaceTime once bc I was watching tv and smoking bc we were in the middle of texting me and I exited the app to finish smoking so I didn’t see (which he never has done or anything so it was weird?) and when he gets upset like that he doesn’t yell but he does say little things mostly over text like “tf”.
But that’s all besides the point like I just wanted to give more context I guess, we normally do not really even fight and if we have he is extremely apologetic and non dismissive and he will come over and hand me flowers and a note and we talk it out more.
But, so I spent the night and we’ve been really good I’ve been really happy, our last fight was a month ago and it was over the playlist I had up for my dead ex, and things have been good per usual. I woke up in the morning and immediately notice something was a little off bc I know his normal mannerisms by now, and he asked me are you sure you love me for me and I said yes of course, and ask him what’s wrong and he said nothing and we get breakfast and watch tv and he’s acting somewhat normal but still off. On his way dropping me back off at my place, we went to get Dunkin and he asked me again (no tension at all whatsoever in the air we were being silly per usual as well) I was like “okay seriously are you okay?”
Expecting him to say he had a dream maybe? And he says okay so it’s kind of funny ur gonna be mad and maybe laugh but I went through your notes and I saw an old note of your dream man list and it’s opposite of me (aka i remember the lost said 6foot plus , I think brown eyes, and he’s shorter with blue eyes which I truly love 😞)
and then tells me about how he found the list of the names I’ve slept with and now he knows I lied about my body count (i lied about 2 more ppl purely out of embarrassment bc most of them came when I oversexualized myself I was a teenager and was insecure and only found my worth through male validation, and one of the guys went to our old school and it’s just embarassing admitting I did anything with him, not that I think he’d really judge me I can tell him anything I just judge myself for it and didn’t think it was really anything IMPORTANT, it was in the past, don’t talk to him anymore been years I got tested, we good)
and when he was telling me all of this, he wasn’t mad but I got emotional as soon as he said it because I feel so just upset that he went through my notes , and feel bad at the same time because if I saw a note from him no matter how old describing his dream partner and I didn’t look anything like it I would be hurt but also, things change.
I started crying and told him I had made it a strict thing please do not go through my notes and even recently I told him Its not personal, i would not want anybody even my sister or my best friend To go through them ever, I’ve had my phone since 6th grade and I just have years of personal and embarassing stuff that I want just for me, like a diary. And he even joked awhile back that he had some embarrassing stuff on his too, and was like don’t go through mine and I promised I won’t go through his notes because I wouldn’t want him going through mine.
And during this convo, he said for a split second that I never told him but I knew he knew that wasn’t true bc he backed down. I normally kiss him and hug goodbye but I was so upset I just shut down and left as soon as I got home. He called me after and we talked a little and I just told him similar things I’ve been telling him that he needs to learn to trust me, even though I’m patient it hurts that he has to cross my boundary because of his personal issues, I’ve given him permission of full access to my phone , messages , social media and he has vise versa, he’s never secretive about anything, he’s been open about everything day 1.
He even said during it that “don’t tell me you haven’t gone through my phone” and I told him I hadn’t which was true and that I only will go through it if I feel the need or my intuition is telling me to. I’m still upset but we’ve been talking like somewhat normal he’s been very apologetic, I did reassure him that I would be hurt about seeing that note too and he said no that’s his own fault for even seeing that. Idk He swears he only saw really those two notes, but idk . Sorry for the long ass paragraph I just needed to rant and advice.
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Backup of the post’s body: hi guys ( I give some context before the main issue sorry, I ramble, my grammar and eveyrbting is probably off and this all might be confusing, apologizes in advance)
so i (f21) started dating my bf (m21) a couple of months ago (4 months) and so far it’s been great, it’s my first official relationship I’ve never been treated so good and he spoils me in every way little and big and I can feel he genuinely loves me. The only issues we’ve had are around trust, on his part, his longest relationship from maybe 16-18 ish treated him horribly, lied behind his back cheated, stole money from him and his sister, and more.
he just has a really hard time trusting me which I have been extremely patient with and always give him reassurance (also bc i understand bc i have had horrible past relationships) and make an open space for any conversations needed to make him feel safe, which he tells me is something he loves about me.
Any issues we have had stem from that+ personal insecurities , from him getting insecure about little things , such as me having an old playlist public on Spotify from my “ex” who passed away and have posts of him , and old Instagram story posts I have of me like kind of in “lingerie” type wear but not showing anything truly explicit, getting upset that I didn’t respond to his FaceTime once bc I was watching tv and smoking bc we were in the middle of texting me and I exited the app to finish smoking so I didn’t see (which he never has done or anything so it was weird?) and when he gets upset like that he doesn’t yell but he does say little things mostly over text like “tf”.
But that’s all besides the point like I just wanted to give more context I guess, we normally do not really even fight and if we have he is extremely apologetic and non dismissive and he will come over and hand me flowers and a note and we talk it out more.
But, so I spent the night and we’ve been really good I’ve been really happy, our last fight was a month ago and it was over the playlist I had up for my dead ex, and things have been good per usual. I woke up in the morning and immediately notice something was a little off bc I know his normal mannerisms by now, and he asked me are you sure you love me for me and I said yes of course, and ask him what’s wrong and he said nothing and we get breakfast and watch tv and he’s acting somewhat normal but still off. On his way dropping me back off at my place, we went to get Dunkin and he asked me again (no tension at all whatsoever in the air we were being silly per usual as well) I was like “okay seriously are you okay?”
Expecting him to say he had a dream maybe? And he says okay so it’s kind of funny ur gonna be mad and maybe laugh but I went through your notes and I saw an old note of your dream man list and it’s opposite of me (aka i remember the lost said 6foot plus , I think brown eyes, and he’s shorter with blue eyes which I truly love 😞)
and then tells me about how he found the list of the names I’ve slept with and now he knows I lied about my body count (i lied about 2 more ppl purely out of embarrassment bc most of them came when I oversexualized myself I was a teenager and was insecure and only found my worth through male validation, and one of the guys went to our old school and it’s just embarassing admitting I did anything with him, not that I think he’d really judge me I can tell him anything I just judge myself for it and didn’t think it was really anything IMPORTANT, it was in the past, don’t talk to him anymore been years I got tested, we good)
and when he was telling me all of this, he wasn’t mad but I got emotional as soon as he said it because I feel so just upset that he went through my notes , and feel bad at the same time because if I saw a note from him no matter how old describing his dream partner and I didn’t look anything like it I would be hurt but also, things change.
I started crying and told him I had made it a strict thing please do not go through my notes and even recently I told him Its not personal, i would not want anybody even my sister or my best friend To go through them ever, I’ve had my phone since 6th grade and I just have years of personal and embarassing stuff that I want just for me, like a diary. And he even joked awhile back that he had some embarrassing stuff on his too, and was like don’t go through mine and I promised I won’t go through his notes because I wouldn’t want him going through mine.
And during this convo, he said for a split second that I never told him but I knew he knew that wasn’t true bc he backed down. I normally kiss him and hug goodbye but I was so upset I just shut down and left as soon as I got home. He called me after and we talked a little and I just told him similar things I’ve been telling him that he needs to learn to trust me, even though I’m patient it hurts that he has to cross my boundary because of his personal issues, I’ve given him permission of full access to my phone , messages , social media and he has vise versa, he’s never secretive about anything, he’s been open about everything day 1.
He even said during it that “don’t tell me you haven’t gone through my phone” and I told him I hadn’t which was true and that I only will go through it if I feel the need or my intuition is telling me to. I’m still upset but we’ve been talking like somewhat normal he’s been very apologetic, I did reassure him that I would be hurt about seeing that note too and he said no that’s his own fault for even seeing that. Idk He swears he only saw really those two notes, but idk . Sorry for the long ass paragraph I just needed to rant and advice.
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You’re right to feel hurt. He crossed a clear boundary despite your trust. His insecurities don’t excuse snooping. If he really loves you, he needs to respect your privacy and work on trust. Keep being honest, but don’t let him break your boundaries again.
Your boundaries are for you to enforce on yourself. What are you going to do about this?
I don’t even have to read this to tell you to run. You’ve only been with this dude four months and he’s already going through your shit? You’re gonna be sorry if you don’t.
So you are upset he found out you lied to him and are “dreaming” of a man that isn’t like him?
His trust issues aren’t your problem. He needs to get therapy somehow and learn how to deal with it without taking them out on you.
Violation your privacy like that should be a deal breaker but I’m sure you’ll find some way to justify staying with someone that clearly needs to work on himself before he’s in a relationship and he’ll continue to violate your trust because he’s looking for a reason to be insecure about something
“He even said during it that “don’t tell me you haven’t gone through my phone” and I told him I hadn’t which was true and that I only will go through it if I feel the need or my intuition is telling me to. “
His intuition told him to and he did.
It’s a new love among two very young people and feelings are heightened majorly in that stage.
Talk it out, go with your gut and either move on together or apart.
He violated your trust but you say would do the same.
Neither of you are being honest.
What was in your notes app?
Today it’s your notes app, tomorrow it’s your mail, next week it’s your bank account.
Moving the boundary every time isn’t going to do anything for your mental and emotional well-being. You deserve to put a boundary down and have it respected. Period.
OP, it’s one thing to be cautious because of his previous relationship, but he’s disrespecting you, like his ex disrespected him, and that’s not fair. He shouldn’t be in a relationship if he’s not ready to trust his partner, he might need to speak with a professional and learn to trust his partner while being cautious. Because with his current behavior? That’s lightly toeing the boundaries of controlling behavior. He’s already showing that YOUR boundaries don’t matter.
You’re being incredibly sweet and understanding. BUT why are you trying to fix this man? You are taking on a project that is way above girlfriend pay grade. He has a lot of trauma and issues, and if he hasn’t worked through them you will NOT fix him you will only traumatize yourself and create your own issues.
If he wasn’t your bf and was just some friend, what would your reaction have been?
This was a specific ask you had.
He had to do a very specific thing to disrespect you, and he did that thing.
To be real your bf needs therapy for his old war wounds (relationship probs) and you need some too. Women are not put on this earth to mollycoddle a man who only sees value you in you because of the emotional support you provide for him.