This all started a few weeks ago, when my wife first started talking about my daughter’s Quinceanera, even though her birthday isn’t until November. (I’m white, so I didn’t know it took so long to plan these.) She was looking at venues, dress shops, decorations, caterers, and photographers. I asked her how much this would cost, considering there seems to be a lot going into this. She said that she’d let me know by the next day. The next day, she sat me and my daughter down and said that she estimates that it will cost around $35,000. (This would be coming out of my pocket, since my wife is a teacher and I’m a neurosurgeon.) I said that was too much, and my daughter agreed. My wife got mad and said that we had savings, but my daughter said that even though we do, it’s not worth that much because she doesn’t really want to have one. (For the record, my daughter said this politely.) My wife got mad at me, saying that I’m a cheapskate and that I’m dragging my daughter away from her Mexican culture. She also called my daughter whitewashed and racist against her own culture. I waited until later and then want to go talk to my daughter. I told her I would pay for the quinceanera if she wanted one, but I’m not going to if my wife wants it more than she does. She told me again that she would rather not have one. I the told my wife that I am not paying for it, and she threw a fit. She called me racist and told me that I’m a “Bigoted wealthy white man that doesn’t respect other’s cultures.” She has told her entire family, and now random people are messaging me and telling me about how bad of a father I am. My family is on my side, and I’ve asked some of my colleagues, who have given me different answers. So please let me now if I’m the a hole for not doing this.
AITA for refusing to pay for my daughter’s Quinceanera?
r/AITAH
Comments
NTA – Your daughter doesn’t want it. That is the end of the story. I am sure she would rather have a car.
Anything over a couple of hundred is too much for ANY birthday party. $35,000 is too much for a wedding. Find a budget and a party professional with an understanding of budgetary considerations. NTA
Just have it at Chuck E. Cheese and call it a day
Boy, this situation calls for marriage counseling. If she’s turned her family against you and thinks you’re racist, this is a major impasse. I couldn’t live like that.
Plan the most over the top party about something your daughter loves; no big puffy dresses and daddy-daughter dance, but whatever she actually likes and put some good 5k on it… poor thing is probably feeling awful and blaming herself about her parents fighting and even questioning her own existence as a mixed Mexican-American. NTA
Your daughter doesn’t want it. Find out what your daughter does want to do and start making those plans.
NTA – you asked your daughter and she doesn’t want a huge party.
*edit for typo
Your daughter doesn’t want a quinceanera! End of story. Your wife just wants to show off. Spending $35K of a party your daughter doesn’t want is ridiculous. Your wife ITAH.
It’s difficult to call anyone an ah here specifically for wanting/not wanting the party. Because 35,000 is absolutely ridiculous to spend on any party even a wedding in my opinion, especially a party your daughter doesn’t even want. However, I’ve had many Hispanic friends throughout my life and I do understand that a quinceanera is a very big deal in their culture so I do see why your wife is as upset as she is about it. The dogging you and having her family insult you is not cool, the only compromise I could possibly see is for you your wife and your daughter to all come together on something that you all can agree too.
If you do have one, set a reasonable budget. That might be a great time to do a trip to Mexico at an all inclusive resort. It would cost a few thousand dollars. That way you are recognizing her culture and having fun for much less cost
That is an insane amount for a birthday party.
NTA. The kid doesn’t even WANT one. However, it certainly sounds like your wife may want a divorce, which is her problem, not yours.
It is about your daughter. Remind anyone who has an opinion ] with all due respect, no one should have an opinion except your daughter], that this is about your daughter and she is not interested. Tell your wife you are sorry she wants to relive her youth via her daughter, and tell her to grow the f up, it isn’t her event.
YTA. You married a Mexican woman and had kids and never even thought about this?
NTA but it sounds like you need some marriage counseling, she said some mean & toxic things about/to you & your daughter.
If your daughter doesn’t want it and it’s for HER, then your wife needs to back off.
NTA. Did your wife want one, and couldn’t have one for some reason?
Why does her family want to force something on your daughter that she doesn’t want?
This has nothing to do with your daughter/her quincernera. This is 100% about your wife and her wanting to flex about how much money she has. She is throwing a fit because she wants everyone to see that she is rich. How do you reconcile this? I’m unsure.
Your wife is insane. Time to consult a divorce attorney. She’s the racist, not you. NTA.
I’m Hispanic. Didn’t want/have a Quinceañera. Nor did my 3 sisters. My cousins on both sides didn’t either.
It’s a choice, not a requirement. $35,000? Your wife is delusional. That money should be going into your daughter’s college fund.
Our backyard wedding cost $5000. Your wife is trying to show off. It’s not racist to be financially prudent.
Fake ass scenario lmao.
Culturally, a quinceañera is a pretty big deal. I can understand your wife being upset not to throw one- it will seem weird and like she’s misstepping as a mother to her family. BUT. I can’t understand calling you racist and turning her family against you. That’s a bell that’s really hard to unring. And she’s not at all considering what your daughter wants. You’re NTA.
Your daughter may need to talk to mom, although with the tear your wife is on, it may not do any good. I can’t see the sense in forcing someone to have a party if they don’t want one.
Does your wife even like you? That’s an extreme reaction from her, especially if you’re daughter doesn’t want the party. Did you or your wife discuss scaling it down to reduce the cost at all? Yeah, NTA but you should probably pay closer attention to your relationship.
This is seriously messed up!
Is the oldest grandmother/aunt in the mexican side of the family trustworthy? If so, perhaps a chat with them expressing your concerns about the 35 000 price tag and being used as a piggy bank rather than this being a cultural celebration. They could bring sanity to the rest of the family attitude.
Heck you could pay for a lot of college for this party.
NTA. Your daughter has already made her wishes known. Your wife is a huge AH for calling you a racist and demanding this party. Seems as though she wants this overblown party for HER to show off and not really for your daughter.
Just because you can afford it doesn’t mean you have to have it.
The wife wants to prove something to her family!! Your daughter don’t even want this!! You not the Ass Hole your wife is!!!!!
Updateme
NTA but you’re reminding me of the decades-old story about the AMA meeting when there was a keynote or something about what they called Asperger’s back then and was unfamiliar to most, and all the neurosurgeons’ wives immediately formed an Asperger’s support group.
Setting that very far aside, this really is a big tangle of emotions, and it sounds as though the safest path forward is a bit of family counseling, neurosurgeon or teacher, in hopes it can be ironed out with a neutral mediator and counselor in a few to several sessions. I say this because your daughter is just starting her move to independence, and both you and her mother need to form a new kind of partnership on common ground to be her full and entire support. It’s neither pleasant nor safe to be a teenager with all the social media and other nonsense these days as it was when you were growing up, and in some places especially not safe or easy for a girl to be her own human.. This is the time to recommit as parents to being more adaptable and flexible around the surprises your soon-to-be adult child is sending your way.
OK, I am going to say this as a Mexican woman who is married to a white man as well. We have a daughter who is seven, but I wouldn’t care if she didn’t want a quinceanera because it’s supposed to be about her and what she wants she chose to have a sweet 16 over a quinceanera that would be OK with me because that’s her choice. I also did not have a quinceanera myself one because we really couldn’t afford to. I don’t know I guess I just didn’t really think about it but this should be your daughter’s choice not your wife’s so if your daughter doesn’t want it then that should be all that matters. The fact that you’re respecting what your daughter wants and it’s her birthday. No, you are NTAH. Also, if your wife thinks you’re some bigot, wealthy white man who doesn’t respect other people‘s cultures why did she marry you?
Really it comes down to what your daughter wants and a reasonable budget for it.
Is it possible to have some kind of compromise? Would your daughter like a regular (much cheaper) birthday party that in some way acknowledges her Mexican background? Maybe hire a traditional Mexican band and dancers for a short show during the party, and even something to acknowledge your heritage if you would both like that.
I recently attended a community party that had that and it was fun and interesting. It was not a birthday or specifically Mexican event, but there were a lot of Mexican neighbors in attendance.
Edit: NTA, and your wife owes you both an apology.
Seems your wife’s marriage isn’t important to her.
She seems to not listen to your daughter, her child or care about how she feels.
If she chooses not to listen to either of you and continues to weaponize her family against you, it would seem to be a good time to talk to a lawyer.
Then you can sit with the divorce papers and talk to your wife about the future of your marriage.
Marriage counselling or divorce.
NTA
I’ve been to a couple of these. The first was a great home party (2 Mexican parents) where the whole neighborhood was invited so no one could complain about the great time had by all. They may have spent $1k with relative’s cooking the fabulous food.
The second was just this past weekend and I’m willing to agree that it probably cost at least $25k (wealthy black husband with stay at home mom of the 1 daughter). It was magnificent—huge wedding like dress and cake, caterers, beautifully decorated hall, etc. Daughter looked beautiful, exhausted, and sad. My nephew, who participated, said she wanted a regular party but mom insisted. We (his family) have decided he won’t be wealthy much longer if this madness continues.
Stand up for your daughter and your wallet, Dad!
Wait, you’re still married to this bitch? If it were so important to her why is she waiting until months prior to your daughter’s birthday to spring this on you?
Spend the money on a divorce instead. Your wife has crossed too many lines.
Nta. $35k for a party is ridiculous! She’s 15! Hell no! Since you’re a Dr, I would say $5k, take it or leave it!
35G’s for a birthday party? There’s weddings that don’t cost that much!
It’s quite spendy as she’s being introduced to society as a Young Woman versus a child.
You are standing by your daughter, so NTA in the present.
If you made an effort to make your daughter not identify with her mother’s culture as well as yours, you were TA in the past. But even if you did something blameworthy in the past to shape your daughter’s views, your daughter is now who she is now, and who she is now doesn’t want a quinceanera.
That said, I suspect that if you had been advocating against Mexican culture for the past 14 years, your wife would’ve said something long before now.
What a horrible thing for your wife to say to your daughter. She’s still just a 16 year old. I’m white but whenever my mom wanted to go over the top for something, at 16, you’re just embarrassed. And you’d rather not do it. Your daughter’s reaction is more than normal and it’s nice you’re trying to support her. Sorry you’re going through this
NTA. Seems wife wants a Quinceanera. She is also a racist.
How much tuition at a university would $35,000. pay for? A lot more than one night, for sure!
Your wife is being ridiculous & selfish! Too bad it’s only the beginning of your problem with her!
Ask your daughter what she truly wants for her 15th. Where I’m from, this is also a big deal and they usually throw the biggest 15th parties for the girls. So I get it. But: I don’t live there, my daughter couldn’t care less about celebrating it that way, quite the contrary—she doesn’t like that kind of attention and wouldn’t want any of it at all. Our current country (my husband’s) also has a big tradition for the teens this age and—you guessed it—daughter doesn’t wanna do it that way either. It’s about THEM. Let her choose it, and try to find a way for your wife to respect and understand this. To me, it’s not even about the money (assuming you could afford a big party), it’s about what she wants. Seems to me that your wife is projecting. Maybe she couldn’t have a “proper” quinceañera when she was young? Either way she needs to work on that. NTA.
Why doesn’t your daughter want it? I’m not saying she is wrong to not want one.
Why is your wife saying she is white-washed? Why does she feel you are racist?
Why did you not know about the intricacies and planning of a Quinceañera?
There is a lot going on that led to this. ESH except the daughter. Your wife for how she is handling things (and the absolutely outrageous cost) and you for not understanding your wife’s heritage.
You’re NTA. Your wife is an asshole. She is more than likely with you for your money honestly because I don’t know what loving wife would blow up over a quince and go as far as calling you a racist and turning her family against you. Do not get me started with what she said to your daughter… “whitewashed?!?” Absolutely not. I hope you protected your assets coming into this. Also, make sure you protect your daughter from that woman’s words and actions. She sounds like a terrible mother to me.
All sorts of Hispanic girls don’t want a quincañera. I’ve worked in schools for 20 years with student populations that are almost 100% Hispanic. Current campus is 85% Central American, and the rest are S. American or Mexican. ALL SORTS OF GIRLS DONT WANT A QUINCAÑERA. And the parents of the ones who do certainly not spending $35,000 on it! NTA, but it sounds like you, your wife, and daughter need to have a really deep talk about culture and who is allowed to have a voice in YOUR family decisions.
👋 Mexican woman married to a white guy with two daughters. There is something deeper than just the quince at play here. We’ve worked really hard to keep up my culture and family’s heritage with our daughters. They may or may not want a quince in a few years. I’ll have to accept that when the time comes.
While I agree 35k is insane for one night, y’all need to talk about the specifics of what she is thinking versus what your daughter wants versus a reasonable budget. Is this the first she’s have brought up having a quince? What other things are y’all doing to celebrate and honor her and your daughters heritage? Is she getting pressure to do this from external sources? Does she feel like your daughter is missing out on her culture? Did she have a quince and wants the same for her daughter or was she not able to have one and she’s living vicariously through y’all’s daughter?
Go into this conversation with an open heart and mind for the sake of your family.
NTA.
My niece had her quincineea a couple years back. It was a pot luck, in a church hall, and everyone had a great time.
You don’t need to spend five figures for a once in a lifetime event.
Your wife owes you an apology, and a bigger apology to your daughter. What she said to her, especially, was cruel and uncalled for. I hope your wife calms down. The party is for your DAUGHTER, not for your wife.
Also, there’s no need for a $35,000 quince. You all can do a smaller event, glorified birthday party. But honestly, one of my kids wanted one and two others didn’t. If she doesn’t want one, what’s the point? It might also be a bit of anger about what’s going on in the US today thrown in for good measure. There are other ways of celebrating Mexican culture. Like other posters have said, counseling is not a bad idea.
NTA. The kid doesn’t want one. Your wife doesn’t have the money for it. And she’s expecting it to be more expensive than a whole ass new car. If her culture was that important to her, your daughter would have been raised to dream about her Quinceanara. She wouldn’t be bitching that her kid is “white washed” because she would have prevented it by getting her spouse and children into the culture and it wouldn’t be a rude ass shock after almost 15 years of coparenting.
I’m half Hispanic myself. I hate parties, so my mom took me to see the Tudor castles I was hyper fixated on in highschool instead! Was much more fun for longer. Maybe offer a nice trip instead. That being said, I’m autistic and everyone who knows me knew a big party would not go well (I used to go to bed at 8 every night by choice to boot!) I understand this party is culturally important. But if she doesn’t want it, end of the discussion. Waste of money otherwise, imo.
Edit: capitalization….
OMG no! Definitely NTA. Today’s society is not so hepped up about expensive parties. Your daughter has expressed zero interest in having this shindig. IMO this party is for your wife not your daughter. It seems likely your wife wants to show off your wealth (she probably bragged about how expensive it is to her family).
My advice is to stand firm and don’t give in. She’ll calm down eventually.
Ooooo yeah marriage counseling. You also downplayed something to you Latina spouse that is considered a big deal to a lot of people in her culture. Not a hard YTA but also very much clearly not good communication going on here. And it kinda sucks that you’re the kind of guy who makes sure your spouse/everyone knows YOU pay the bills.
for context for any who may not know, a quince is really expensive and it’s a really lengthy planning process. i planned mine in three months, cut a lot of expenses, but it was stressful. a lot of people spend a year minimum.
dresses themselves are a grand, and super flashy. you add a venue, choreographer, catering, decor, photography …. it’s a mini wedding in a way. the thing is though, a lot of times people get “godparents” to help pay for each thing, so it can help offset a cost.
back to this situation …. it sounds like your wife didn’t even consult your daughter on whether or not she even wanted the party, since she sat both of you down. some girls truly don’t want one, some may change their mind.
your wife needs to listen to what your daughter wants. i think if your daughter is willing to maybe just have a nice dinner, or a small party, or even opt for a vacation, then she would still have a celebration for her to celebrate her cultural milestone. your wife is being very toxic by turning people on you and dismissing your daughters feelings. she needs to be more open to hearing the both of you out because right now it looks like this is for her rather than anyone else.
NTA
Im guessing your wife never had a quinceñera herself, so she’s trying to live her frustrated dream party off your daughter.
This is very common in mexican culture, mom’s who never had a party of their own do this a lot.
NTA btw, she’s cray haha
Buy her a car instead, I’m sure your daughter would appreciate that more.
Ooof, hope you locked down that prenup.
Seriously though, not sure how you recover when one parent calls the other a racist; not to mention their own child one as well.
NTA
My parents were considered rich when we were growing up. I’d never have considered a $35,000 party
I’m hosting my Dad’s 70th in a few weeks, and it’s coming out at about $3000 for a venue, good quality catering for 30, drinks, etc.
While I might be nice to have a Quincinera, it doesn’t need a huge price tag
NTA. As a Hispanic female. I didn’t want one either. The pressure was too
Much. Also. It’s common for padrinas and padrinos (godparents and for this there are many) to help sponsor things for the quince. As in pay for it. Your wife wants to show off. At your daughter’s expense. Is she Catholic? Quinces are usually done for Catholics as it’s a religious ceremony. Your wife is the AH.
Tell your wife you are not against Mexican traditions or the Mexican culture and that you will commit 35,000 PESOS to the event.
I attended quite a few Quinceañeras when I was around that age, some of them must have cost $35k back in the 90’s. The most lavish one I went to was for a very shy girl who looked utterly miserable, but her mom was totally in her element.
It would be lovely if your daughter could talk to you and your wife about doing something more low key with family to mark the tradition because I bet the in laws will be disappointed if there is no celebration at all. Let your daughter decide how she wants to celebrate and all the abuelas and tias should come around if they really love her.
NTA. Definitely need to sit down with a mediator here with your daughter and your wife so maybe you can get through your wife’s head that the daughter really doesn’t want one. If she does want one it sounds like she wants it to be much more modest. But I don’t think that’s a word that is mentioned together with the word quinceanera. Usually they’re extremely extravagant parties and the girls are in these huge ball gowns that cost thousands of dollars. I mean this is on par with a wedding if not more specially if she’s estimating $35,000 for it and probably inviting like 500 people. I think it’s great you’re willing to pay for it for your daughter if she wants the party but yeah it sounds like your wife wants a blowout to show off how wealthy your family is and how she married up and can have this big flashy extravagant party.
Does this $35,000 include plane tickets for grandparents and other relatives?
Let daughter take the lead. What are Quinceañeras like in your community? Will daughter be participating in her cousins’ and friends’ quincenerais as well? Does OP’s family belong to a Catholic Parish with priests accustomed to the special Mass for the Quincenera?
I don’t like that she jumped straight to you being racist and called your baby whitewashed. That rubbed me the wrong way because it sounds like SHE’S the racist one. And this is coming from a black American woman, people gotta stop using ‘racist’ as the go to for white people… it lazy and a lot of the times, projection 🤷🏽♀️. Plus, that’s A LOT of money for a kids bday party no matter your savings or career. And your daughter doesn’t even want it! Why don’t yall ask her what she wants to do for her birthday and plan that!
Now about her letting people harass you and call you racist when your wife AND child are clearly a different race/nationality, idk if I could get passed that. 🤷🏽♀️ all because her feelings are hurt? Maybe sit down and tell her how it makes you feel and go from there.
Edit to add NTA!!
You’re not the Asshole! If your daughter doesn’t want the Quinceneara party then she shouldn’t be forced. I am sure she knows the Mexican heritage around it and it sounds like she’s not interested. I highly doubt your wife’s cost $35K nor should your daughters. I have a friend who recently attended one and he said his friend the father spent $100K for his daughters. To me this sounds like such a waste of peoples hard earned money but I am white!
Sounds like a whole lot of issues that run much deeper than one expensive party. If the wife went nuclear over this, it’s been building for years. This marriage is headed for divorce, and soon.
NTA.
NTA – I’m not sure that therapy can work at this point. That is a major shot in a relationship – publicly calling them racist.
I’m sure your daughter would rather have a car for her sweet 16 or go to a good college or have a nice down-payment for her first condo. That’s close to wedding costs. Your wife has some deep seeded resentments, whoa.
The wife is making this all about her and not the daughter. Save the money for a graduation gift or wedding gift.
NTA with a caveat: 15 is prime time for girls to just reflexively oppose their mothers, so it’s worth a private conversation with your daughter. Quinceanera can be a very big deal culturally and the possibility she may regret not having one is non-trivial. If you end up sure she really doesn’t want one and it’s not just about the mother/daughter hormone wars, then perhaps do something extra special for her birthday so she has a special memory of this birthday, which both covers her with the extended family — lets her say “I decided I’d rather do (cool extra special thing) than have a big party” and also serves as potential regret-buffer for the future.
Tell your daughter you’ll buy her a car next year when she’s old enough to drive. She doesn’t want a big party so have a smaller one. NTA but your wife is a big racist one! Not everyone wants to do something just because it’s within their culture. Your wife needs some counseling, and your marriage does also at this point.
NTA
I wouldn’t be surprised if mom wants to live her own vision of her dream quinceañera through the daughter. Not wanting to have one has nothing to do with race. I’m Mexican and agree that if your daughter doesn’t want one then she doesn’t have to have one. Plus the amount alone is a lot. You can definitely plan one for a lot cheaper.
UpdateMe
If your daughter really wanted one and you refused to help pay for it, you might be TA. But she doesn’t, so…
I’m not saying the wife is a narcissist, but she does seem to be displaying some narcissistic tendencies -prioritizing her desire to show off over her daughter’s feelings, and even trying to turn the daughter against you. Calling you a racist & her very own daughter “white-washed” when she doesn’t get her way? If she hates white culture so much why did she marry into one. Oh wait, you’re a neurosurgeon😉
At the end of the day, whose birthday is it? It’s your daughter’s. If she doesn’t want a big party, then her wishes should be respected.
As a Mexican male who has been a part of many many MANY quinceneras, I’ve seen how mother’s live vicariously through their daughters and throw a quincenera that they never had. Some mother’s even buy a big elaborate dress for themselves and make a point of being at the center of everyone’s attention during the party. This sounds like maybe your wife is trying to throw a party that she wish she had, the anger and lashing out shows she has an emotional connection to this. I would talk to her about why she feels so strongly about this and I would go from there…
Yes.
Nta. Your daughter doesn’t want a party. Ask her what she wants maybe she wants to hang out with her friends. Maybe she wants a mini trip with you guys. Maybe she just wants some money for college. 35 grand for a party is insane
Wow why are you putting up with that verbal abuse? Tell her to watch her mouth or else you’ll be packing and leaving!
NTA
Your daughter doesn’t want it. It’s her party, not your wife’s.
ESH are you 100% positive that your daughter isn’t just saying she doesn’t want one as she saw your facial expression and heard your tone about it? She may actually want this but saying she doesn’t. Your wife is upset as this is a part of their culture. It’s like our Sweet 16 but much more bougie. If something was part of your culture, wouldn’t you hope that your wife would respect and encourage it?
NTA.
Tell your daughter you’d be happy to shell out $5K for a basic Quinceanera and some amount for a reasonably priced car she wants (less than $30K). The wife won’t even be able to be mad at that because getting a car for Quinceanera is kinda amazing.
You should give your wife like 10k. From context, I’m guessing that amount will not be a hardship. It sounds like your wife is trying to live her dreams through her daughter like when mothers of the bride go crazy at weddings.
However, your daughter might regret not having one when she gets older. You can tell her it’s to appease her mom and offer to pay for a private birthday dinner for her and her close friends later if she wants something more low key. This is the age girls often do things to spite their moms, and it is an important event that only happens once. So I’d give her a reasonable sized one
I’m Mexican and didn’t have a quincenera. Neither did my cousins. We’re still Mexican and celebrate our heritage in other ways. Nta especially simce your daughter doesn’t want one.
What’s the culturally correct Hispanic term for a party where the wife is being ejected from a marriage?
Nta
, you could pull it from “our ” savings. 35k? Just go to any of those rallies and get it done for under 500 and then you’d also be helping support the culture.
NTA. $35,000 is absolutely insane. This is probably about your wife wanting to show off, and the fact she’s turned her family against you is cause for marriage counseling.
Honestly this is just horrible. If anything it has turned her into a racist. I know numerous Mexican woman that didn’t have a quinceañera. If she’s willing to publicly humiliate you AND your guys DAUGHTER she is not a good woman. No loving mother goes to Facebook to call her daughter racist. I would file for divorce she is threatening your job and now making your daughter’s family(her side) think awful things about her so they won’t ever treat her the same now. Horrible fucking lady
First of all 35k is ridiculous. Your daughter doesn’t want it. Mom is doing this for herself to show off with family and friends.
It is a big cultural milestone and should be celebrated. But if your wife didn’t make that part of her identity important to her, then it’s unreasonable for to force one on her.
You would be better off planning a family trip to Mexico where your daughter could connect with her Mexican heritage. It’s important for her to know that side of her history.
Honestly, it sounds like your in laws asked your wife when she’s having one and now the pressure is on to deliver.
It kinda just seems she expected you to be a wallet and when you said no she went to trying to manipulate everyone and make you guys feel bad. I feel like this is more for her than her daughter
Bye bye wifey!!!!
NTA
Your wife calling your daughter white washed is 100% wrong, abusive and racist on her part, what a horrible mother and this is something your daughter will never forget and without a doubt will alter their relationship.
Your wife calling you a racist for not spending the equivalent of a down payment on a house is ridiculous. I know quiceanera’s are expensive (same as sweet sixteen, ultimately the same thing) but that amount of money is crazy and your daughter clearly knows it and doesn’t even want a party.
Your wife has turned her family against you and there will always be problems for the rest of your relationship and there’s no changing it, even if you wind up having the party.
It’s your daughter’s choice to have a birthday party, ask her what she wants to do and make her happy.
Marriage counseling is really the way to get through this, good luck.
You married a gold digger
35k is ridiculous and this something parents tend to save for, especially if they are spending money like that.
At the end of the day it’s about what your daughter wants. My niece opted for a sweet 16 trip vs a quince.
This sounds like it’s more about mom’s pride than what the kid wants.
Within Mexican culture, this is really a big deal. Do you know any fathers you could talk to about this. It sounds like you are not appreciating how important it is within her culture
NTA, it seems like this is all about your wife and not your daughter. Reading your post, it shows that she didn’t even talk to her about having one. I’m sorry, but 35,000 is too much in my opinion. This is for the hair, makeup, nails, dress, shoes, food, the practice dances for both boys and girls, and the venue. So your daughter is now a racist because she didn’t want it is crazy to me. But I’m sorry, did she get with you because you’re white or because you’re rich?
*Btw, I am black
NTA. $35k aside, your daughter has no interest in one.
As a Mexican, if your Mexican wife is calling you racist and turning the family against you, your marriage may already be too far gone. This is a line that is very hard to come back from once crossed. Y’all need therapy and fast so healthy boundaries can be established. If this happened once it will happen again.
Like many others have suggested here there are many other ways you could expose your daughter to the beautiful experiences of Mexican culture by traveling or even volunteering with local charities.
Overall a shitty situation but there seems to be more at play with your marriage than just this quinceañera issue.
NTA – I’m Latina and my hubby is Caucasian. Even I think that your wife is out of line for saying stuff like that. All that nonsense makes her the Big A. If we’d had a girl instead of a son and she told us that she didn’t want one, I would have been okay with it. To keep up with the times, I even asked my son if he wanted a “Quinceañero”, but he said no. I didn’t go accusing my hubby and son of being whitewashed. I just respected his decision.
Are you the same guy who kept calling it a “sweet sixteen party”?
Doc, NTA. If daughter doesn’t want it that should go. Keep in mind you’re probably looking at paying for college and/or a wedding down the road.
I recommend marital counseling because wife wants to show off that her doctor husband can pay for a huge bash to show off in front of HER family and ethnic friends.
Don’t frame it as you not paying for it. Frame it as your daughter choosing not to have the party. Remind her family members “I told my daughter I would pay for the party if she wanted one. She said she would rather not have one. Am I supposed to force her to have a party she doesn’t want?”
They are being ridiculous. NTA
Nta, she wants the pomp, pageantry and your status known over the Catholic customs. Does she go to mass? Is your daughter confirmed? If no then shes doing this for the wrong reason and being a brat.
NTA. What matters most is that your daughter doesn’t even want the quincinera. At least she’s being heard by one of her parents.
Fuck that.
$35K for something that is making only 1 person happy, and its not the princess turning 15.
You’re not cheap, you’re reasonable.
Kids these days don’t care for this type of old school shit. Its a dying tradition from when it was ok for 15 year kids to get married and have kids.
Let that shit die and let our kids stay kids longer. Life’s hard enough as an adult.
offer to meet in the middle with the quince pictures and doing a trip… I get your wife wanting to preserve her culture but quinces are so expensive (though they don’t have to be that high in price) at the end of the day your daughter not wanting one should definitely be the guiding light here
Tell her the 35k is going toward the divorce lawyer.
I know people whose elegant wedding receptions with over 100 guests didn’t cost $35K.
If this is real and this is how you and your wife communicate along your “it’s out of my pocket” bs. I feel sorry for your daughter.
Spend a quarter of that and take her on a big trip somewhere exotic if across Europe or whatever. Memories made and a once in a lifetime experience she will actually value.
Id take the $35,000 , get a lawyer, take your daughter and move.
Your wife is trying to have her dream party. She cares about herself, not your child.
You child can have a beautiful celebration for $5,000 or less.
Quinceañeras in my day used to be big parties including the whole family to celebrate a young woman’s transition into womanhood. Now they rival weddings. That is just too much. People now use them as status statements and IG posts. I think just like with weddings, let your daughter set the tone. If she doesn’t want a huge party, ask if she just wants a big backyard BBQ with the whole family. Or maybe instead after mass, she may want to go to a fancy restaurant with a small group of her closest friends to celebrate. There is no requirement for a “venue”. She’s turning 15 whether you have a grand gala or not. Doesn’t your wife want your daughter to have fun? If she’s not having fun, there’s no point for the party. Sounds like your wife is trying to relive her second quinceañera and being the AH in the process by throwing racism in your face. NTA
Im just sad for you. I really hope this is a one off thing for her. We did have a celebration when my son was confirmed but it was small . I just dont understand spending 35k for a party. Hopefully you two can compromise or have your daughter make a choice. After all 15 “shes stepping into womanhood ” so she should have a say.
If your wife and other extended family feel so strongly that your daughter needs to have one, maybe they can chip in and help with the planning and cost of it? Since it’s about the culture and not just about showing off with your money, they shouldn’t mind.
Your wife is a racist, why are you with her?
Personally, I could not stay married to someone who called me or my child racist. Yer wife has major issues.
NTA If daughter doesn’t care I’d do a small one for your wife essentially 🤣 if your daughter really doesn’t want one don’t have one. So many better things to do with 35 k from savings 😬like something your daughter wants, or towards college, car, house????
NTA. Americans have a similar tradition called the “sweet 16”, albeit they don’t go as over the top with it as quinces get.
Sounds like your wife wants to simper and preen at your daughter’s Quinceanera. Your daughter has told you she doesn’t want one. Her decision is final. Good luck with the wife,and please,shield your daughter from her anger at refusing this. Her culture is not the only one that matters.
NTA. My parents forced me to have an elaborate Sweet 16 and it was the worst birthday of my whole life. If your daughter doesn’t want it then no party. It should be up to her, and your wife flipping out like this is a little unhinged.
Children of inter-ethic marriages will often identify more closely with one ethnicity over another. The parent of the other ethnicity should accept this gracefully, and respect the child’s feelings. If your daughter doesn’t want to follow this Latin custom, she should be able to decline without being made to feel disloyal to her mother.
I think what really going on is that mom wants to flaunt her wealth to her family and friends, which would be fine if it weren’t at the expense of her daughter’s feelings.
Old and antiquated tradition. It’s your daughter choice.
NTA
I mean – I didn’t get one until I was 17, but I was the oldest cousin and didn’t realize it was such a big deal until I got a little older. If your wife hasn’t put the culture into your daily lives, I don’t think you should be expected to just KNOW about that. And it sounds like your daughter doesn’t really get the cultural significance either (which makes me think your wife is engaging in tokenism.
If these things are true, NTA.
leeeeave this woman, save your child from this type of garbage.
throwing the race card to get your way?? horrible mother, horrible wife, gross human.
ntah, please continue to support what your child wants and how she feels.
tentatively, ESH. it feels a bit extreme for it to be either $35k or no quinceñera; if your daughter really doesn’t want one it should be up to her, but she may feel stuck between you and her mom and like these are her only two options. i think you should read up a bit on quinceñeras/their significance and then talk to your daughter again about her feelings in more depth — why does she not want one? would she want a smaller one/one she was more involved in planning? reassure her it’s okay if she doesn’t want one for any reason, but it’s also okay if she does — just not one so ridiculously expensive 😅
as far as your wife, maybe try marriage counseling? it’s possible she may have felt this way for a while and resentment has built up, but either way its a major breakdown in your relationship that will be difficult to come back from (if you both even want to) and outside mediation may help
You are being viciously attacked over a teenager’s birthday party. This goes way above reddit and may require marriage counseling. There’s a lot to unpack here and I feel like there are other feelings that have been brewing and her explosion is not just over the party.
Your wife sounds very racist
NTA. If my partner started throwing those words at me i would be out the door and never come back.
Ntah, if the kid doesn’t want it then whats the point? Also your wife is mean, a bully, delusional and racist. Who in their right mind throws a 35k party for a teenager who doesn’t even want it?! even if she wanted it, that amount is outrageous!
$35k is too much for a wedding, let alone a celebration of a birthday. Your wife is out of line. She said some really terrible things to you that she must believe. I would file for divorce.
latina here! It’s not that serious LMAO she’s definitely projecting and probably never had a “proper” quinceañera. Tell her to stop acting like a teenager from a fellow latina lol
NTA.
Given your daughter’s mixed heritage AND your ability to afford the event, I would recommend supporting your wife’s vision. Your daughter is leaning into the rich white side and probably knows her answer makes YOU happy. But denying a cultural tradition from the less wealthy side is a jerky thing to do.
Think of a tradition that’s important to you. Christmas? Hanukah? Would you be cool with your child saying, “I’m not going to do this anymore” and then embracing only the non-whatever-you-are traditions?
I would bet your wife didnt get the quincenera she wanted when she was young and this was important to her. Sometimes we don’t understand the reason behind this but the only compromise is letting your daughter plan her birthday party the way she wants it. The whole race thing is not in play your daughter made her feelings known. Not everyone wants to be the center of attention and this would be that. You can still have the party but with family and same traditions. I always thought givung your daughter heels for as a gift was a sweet one but thats me im old
Your wife might be feeling like she failed to impart her culture to her child and instead of acknowledging that she’s trying to make up for it with this party, but because your daughter doesn’t want it she’s taking it out on you so she doesn’t have to talk to her and confront her mistake.
My kids quince was nowhere near 35k. I understand in my bones the importance, but surely it doesn’t have to be alla that. Plus, kiddo doesn’t want it or understand it.
Regardless of whether or not your daughter ends up with a Quince or just a great birthday party that reflects HER and her wishes, I don’t know how you will ever come back from the damages that your wife has done to you, your daughter, and your marriage.
Her needless harmful gossip and awful rhetoric, calling you out as a racist, selfish, cheap… To everyone in her family who would listen… Is absolutely unforgivable and reprehensible. Encouraging her family to come after you and get involved is terrible and divisive.
The fact that she called her own daughter racist and white washed would have me ending my marriage, protecting my daughter, and cutting all ties with my spouse and their entire family. (or any one of them who agreed with and defended my wife)
I agree with many people here that it is likely that your wife grew up without means and never had the party that she dreamed of and is now going to use her status as the wife of a successful doctor to throw a lavish over the top party for her daughter. Unfortunately, mom didn’t expect to have her daughter rejected the idea of a quince.
Mom and her irrational, erratic and over-the-top response to her own daughter’s rejection of the party would be really hard to ever get over or accept.
OP might need to get daughter out of the house for a while and definitely encourage her to talk to a therapist ASAP. Hopefully there is a family member on dad’s side or best friend’s family who can take the daughter in for a while while dad gets mom sorted out and under the care of a specialist who can help her come to grips with her emotions… something is clearly not right with Mom.
You guys need counselling before you spend the equivalent of a car or a down payment on a house on a party. If she calls you these names, you don’t have much of a marriage.
I mean… you could just ask your wife why she wants one so badly?
Quince’s are a very important facet of Mexican culture, despite how ridiculously expensive they are. She probably feels you’re racist / her daughter is whitewashed because it simply makes no sense why her daughter doesn’t want a Quince. Why is daughter denying an important part of her culture? Why is mom so hellbent on having the Quince, etc???
This seems like something that could very easily be resolved with a few questions. If mom is still hellbent, then sure, it’s a her problem. NTA, but ask questions 🤷🏾♀️
NAH. I’m going to explain why. Your daughter doesn’t feel connected to her heritage, that’s obvious, and having a Quinceañera is all about the girl being the center of attention. If she’s more introverted, it may not be something she wants for herself, which I can completely understand, as I am a very private person myself.
However, a Quinceañera is more than just a party. It is a celebration of another phase of life. It is her journey of becoming a woman and reconnecting with her roots. A symbol of the family passing their values down to this now young woman, celebrating her and the family as a whole, and their hopes for the future.
So it’s not really about the Quinceañera herself. It is about all of the hard work and the struggles the family has gone through to get to that point, and that is why these parties tend to be so elaborate and large, it’s a way of saying “We started off with nothing and now look at everything we have! Everything we have been able to give to our girl. Everything she will be able to take into her future with her and be successful.”
For your wife to hear that your daughter does not want this party implies to your wife that she is not proud of her family or her heritage. She doesn’t want to connect with her culture and acknowledge her roots. And I can see how that would be deeply hurtful. Additionally, you don’t want to pay for it, and to your wife that says you don’t want to celebrate your daughter and this milestone in her life.
I think you might need to sit down and discuss this together. Come to some sort of agreement. Perhaps ask your daughter, ideally, what she would want if she were to have a Quinceañera. What would that look like for her? Would it just be a small get-together of close friends? Would it just be immediate family?
What type of music would she want? Dress code? And create a budget for it that is a bit more manageable, and go from there.
Look, I’m white, but I was raised in and by a very Mexican family.
It’s a non optional social obligation. I realize you may feel however you may feel, but I know my cousins didn’t really want one either, but they had one…. my nieces … didn’t want one… they had one.
I’m not saying you’re racist, and I’m not saying your wife is in the right here, please do not mistake me. But this is deeply ingrained in Mexican society and it’s a big deal to not have one.
In this situation, IMO you should back your wife and kindly speak to your daughter and ask her if she’d be willing to have a Quinceañera as an important part of her Mexican heritage and yes in part as a gift to her mom. Albeit at a lower price tag, and maybe as a compromise your wife has to agree to your daughters input so she has some sense of control over the situation. And please, if your daughter agrees, any person that she truly doesn’t want their, don’t invite them.