I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. My husband and I have been together for 4 years and we have a daughter together. Things used to be good between us, but lately I’ve just been feeling more and more unhappy in the relationship.
He lost his job 5 months ago. I’ve been a stay-at-home mom since our daughter was born, and he now receives unemployment benefits. I still get a bit of leftover salary from my previous job. Financially, we’re managing — we can cover rent and groceries — but there’s nothing left for anything extra. No room for fun, small treats, or even basic self-care.
The part that hurts the most is that he’s not really trying to change anything. He has random ideas and occasional side hustles that bring in a bit of money, but nothing consistent. He doesn’t apply for jobs, and when I ask what his plan is, he gets defensive or irritated. I’ve told him I’ll support him no matter what — as long as he has some kind of direction — but nothing ever comes of it.
I even offered to go back to work, but he shut that down without giving me a real reason.
On an emotional level, I feel completely alone. He never takes the initiative to plan anything together — I’m always the one trying to make things happen. I don’t need fancy restaurants or expensive dates. I get that we can’t afford that right now. But I would love it if he just planned something — a walk, a picnic, anything to show that he wants to spend time with me and that he cares.
One moment that really hurt was my birthday last year. He kept saying he had a surprise planned. I honestly thought he might’ve arranged a small get-together or something thoughtful. But in the end, we just went out to eat and went straight home because he was “tired.” No one else had heard of any surprise — and everyone who knows me knows I love celebrating my birthday. It felt like he didn’t know me at all.
Lately, I’m just so tired of having to explain — over and over again — what’s bothering me and what hurts. We’ve had so many conversations about all this. He always admits his mistakes and apologizes, but nothing ever actually changes. I don’t want to be the woman who’s constantly complaining. But the truth is, this whole situation is emotionally draining, and I honestly don’t know how else to make him understand how much it’s affecting me.
Some days, I just want to pack a bag and disappear for a few days. I feel like I’m carrying this entire relationship on my back.
Am I expecting too much? Or is this relationship just no longer working?
Sidenote: We both take care of our daughter equally, and I want to be fair — he really is a wonderful father. But as a husband, he’s been putting in less and less effort, and I’m starting to feel like I don’t matter to him anymore.
TL;DR:
My husband lost his job 5 months ago and hasn’t seriously looked for work since. He doesn’t take initiative in our relationship anymore — no dates, no emotional effort, no plans. I always have to explain what’s wrong, and even though he apologizes, nothing changes. I feel emotionally exhausted and unappreciated. He’s a great father, but I’m starting to wonder if I should leave him as a partner.
Comments
I think you need to sit down w/him, look him in the eye & tell him this can’t continue. Either he starts applying & interviewing for new jobs within the next 30 days or you two will need to end the marriage b/c you aren’t going to continue living this way. Life is passing you by & you refuse to remain stuck just b/c he refuses to do anything.
Maybe it’s time to break up. You said you’ve told him many times how you feel outside of those recent job stuff and he never changes. Even with money coming in it won’t change that. Though money should start coming in more consistently by someone.
This sounds really hard.
Not to overly sympathize with him over what you’re going through, but it sounds like he may be dealing with depression. Unfortunately, he’s going to need to recognize it and decide that he wants to work on getting better.
Is he willing to try counseling? That may help with getting through to him on what your needs are, and maybe would shed light on whatever’s going on in his head.
Is separation an option? That would be a less heavy step than a divorce.
If he’s truly disengaged from the relationship and you are too, amicable separation or divorce might be possible. I know people who have done it and coparent successfully, once they realized they just weren’t right for each other as partners anymore.
Only you can decide what you need to do. I am going to comment only on the job loss. Everything else you need to evaluate.
I lost my job at the end of Feb. and am on unemployment. I’m in tech. I have over 20 yrs. experience and this is the toughest job market I have seen. The entire job search has completely changed where everything (resumes, applications, cover letters, etc.) is scanned through an ATS (Application Tracking System) that used AI (artificial intellegence).
For every job the resume has to be customized to match the job description or it gets rejected bt the ATS – before anyone even glances at your resume and application. And the resume wording must match exactly as it is in the job description. I have applied to over 500 jobs with about a dozen responses. In the past, I would be overwhelmed by responses. This is difficult and taxing timewise and emotionally. I am fighting depression through this also.
I understand the bit about your husband not really looking for a job, he really needs to work at that. But I do wonder if he is fighting depression while even trying. I don’t know what he does for work, but part of that maybe trying to understand how looking for a job has changed, drastically. He might need help in understanding what he needs to focus on to find a job.
If he is a great father and a terrible husband, then I think that sounds like a good candidate for a co-parenting relationship where you both put your daughter first but aren’t together. You can be financially responsible for yourself (which it seems like is going to happen even if you stay together), and he can be responsible for himself.