TLDR; Boyfriend and I had a mutual agreement on no porn, I discovered porn on the apple tv. He first lied to my face about not knowing how it got there, then he admitted he only watched it because he didn’t know how to deal with his stress.
Hi everyone. Three weeks ago, we both hit a rough patch, as both of us were stressed, frustrated, and not connecting sexually. We had a big argument, opened up to each other, and then took a 3-day vacation a week later where things got better. I started making changes based on his feedback, and I noticed effort from him too.
One boundary I’ve always had is no watching porn, for the BOTH of us, and he’s always respected it, until now. He used to tell me it would hurt him if I was watching it, so he has no reason to either. He’d always reassure me that I’m enough for him and he has no need to use porn for anything. Let me restate that this was something we both saw eye to eye on, or so I thought.
Today, while turning on the Apple TV, I saw a paused porn video, just right there. He acted super surprised and lied to me at first, saying “I don’t know what that is, so I won’t explain it.” Then, he eventually admitted it happened before our big talk. He called it a “moment of weakness,” said he felt shame, and didn’t tell me because he didn’t want to hurt me. He said he was extremely frustrated sexually, stressed from work and school, and stressed about family matters. He said he had “no other way to relieve his stress” So, he did it while I was asleep. He said it didn’t even help him feel better afterwards since he still felt terrible and told me he felt guilty. I am more hurt about the lying and secrecy aspect. Plus, I had to find it on the TV.
He insisted it was a one-time thing. He said I had every right to be angry, and he knows he shouldn’t have lied about it. He offered to break up if that’s what I wanted. He wants us to see a couples chaplain instead because they’re unbiased and qualified, but I’m not sure yet.
I love him a lot, and that’s why I haven’t ended things, but I’m deeply hurt and confused. If I hadn’t seen the TV, would he have ever told me? I never worried about this before because he gave me no reason to. Now, I feel paranoid and heartbroken. I’m also unsure if he’s lying about never having watched it before. He just lied when I caught him, so he could be lying about not watching it until that day where he broke. I almost don’t believe that he didn’t ever watch it, and I don’t know if I trust that claim.
I get it, it’s a one time thing, if his word is true. Let me reiterate: I’m more angry, hurt and disappointed that the porn was right in our faces and he chose to lie and say he didn’t know how it got there. Really? Two years and you’re playing me for an idiot? It just magically popped up on its own?
I know porn isn’t a big deal to everyone, but it is to me, and he knew that. I don’t like feeling like my boyfriend needs other women to get off when he has me, and we can talk about any issues regarding sexual needs. I just need some advice or support. I feel broken.
Comments
Seems to me it’s not about the porn.
You are your boyfriend agreed to a limitation in your relationship. He broke the rules and lied to you about it.
If you don’t leave him you can expect this behaviour to continue throughout your relationship (speaking from personal experience).