My gf (F32) and I (M33) have been together 3 years on the 24th of July. We have lived together for 2 years. I live with her. She is currently working 6 days a week, decided to start a gym regimen 7 days a week with a diet and takes a math class for summer school which means 3-4 hours of homework everyday.
I have tried to talk to her about the amount of stress she puts on herself. I try to help out any way that I can to support her. I constantly do all the dishes everyday due to her diet, mow the grass and clean the house. I should do a better job of that but some days I lack the motivation myself bc it’s gotten to the point where I feel like a robot but I do try.
She admittedly has much more on her plate than me. I work a full time job but I also do not try to over burden myself. I take care of what responsibilities I have.
At the same time we are not intimate, we have no sex life and rarely have gotten to spend any quality time together bc she is busy with her schedule.
My point is with this post is I feel so drained watching someone I love and care for do this to themselves. I get blamed for not helping out when I do my best to help her with things. There has been times when I’ve done next to nothing bc I knew I’d have to do them 4-5 days later and it’s became mind numbing.
Just a bit ago she was talking about how she feels so overwhelmed and I calmy stated that I think it would help her if she gave herself time to relax and not take on so much. Maybe only worry about your diet, and instead of “getting ahead” with homework do your assignments that are due soon. Bc she has so much that it’s impossible to “get ahead” she wanted to hear nothing I said.
She told me she needed help more and brought up last week when I didn’t do much around the house. She didn’t care that I vacuumed the house today and made her food. She completely blew a lid bc I tried to convey to her that the current task she puts on herself does not impact her positivity and cause her more harm than good. All I got from it is I need to help more.
Is there another way I could go about this to find a compromise? Bc I’m at a loss. It’s alarming to me we couldn’t walk away feeling better about this whole situation.
Especially since we go to Colorado next Sunday.
TL;DR
My gf and I are at a complete misunderstanding on how to find common ground when it comes to working together with communicating. She is overwhelmed with her life at the moment and is not receptive to changing any part of her routine to ease her stress.
Comments
You say,” we are not intimate. I never get to spend time with you. I am unhappy. I see you are unhappy and stressed. Can we please resolve this together because it is not sustainable. Telling me to do more when I’m already burnt out isn’t the answer. Pushing yourself more when you’re ready pushing yourself too much is also not the answer. It isn’t healthy to live this way.”
To me, this is all about lifestyle compatibility. To be honest, I think that if this was something that communication was going to fix, the things you’ve already said would be the things that fix it. If she is going to have so much on her plate, she won’t have time to contribute much at home or go on dates or have quality time with you. That is what being in a relationship with her means.
If this is a temporary situation where in 6 months or a year or something she is going to go down to a more balanced schedule, then it’s more about just toughing it out to get through the hard time and then re-adjust once things are normal. But it sounds like that’s not really the case here, and she tends to take too much on in general.
In terms of how to talk to her about this, I think you have already had all the normal talks about how you think she might be happier without so much on her plate. I think the next escalation is to let her know that the lack of quality time and lack of appreciation for you picking up the slack at home is becoming a relationship issue, and if the plan is just for it to continue indefinitely, that’s not going to work for you. Ultimately, this may be the beginning of a breakup talk, but this just does not seem sustainable in its current form.