Every summer, my siblings and I (31F) try to do a weekend beach trip together. It’s nothing extravagant—just a little Airbnb, grilled food, board games, and catching up. I’m usually the one who plans and books everything, which I don’t mind since someone has to organize or it won’t happen at all.
Here’s the issue: my younger sister, Tara (28F), has bailed on this trip three years in a row. And not for medical emergencies or work. Each time, it’s been last-minute flaking. One year she said her “vibe was off.” The year before that, she ghosted us completely until the day after the trip, then texted “sry had a weird weekend.”
Despite all of that, when I planned this year’s trip, I gave her another shot. I even asked her twice to confirm, and both times she said yes—enthusiastically. I booked the Airbnb and put her on the reservation, just like always.
Then, two days before the trip, she stopped replying in the group chat. No updates, no “hey I’m still in.” Just total silence. Meanwhile, she was posting vague wellness quotes and bath pics on IG stories, which—fine, do your thing—but it really looked like she was gearing up to flake again.
At that point, I didn’t want to get stuck paying extra or leaving a bed empty again, so I removed her name from the reservation and invited a close friend (who’s basically family anyway) to come instead. I figured if Tara did reach out, we could talk about it, but she seemed to be doing her usual slow fade.
The morning of the trip, Tara finally texted: “What’s the address again?” I told her we’d assumed she wasn’t coming and that I’d invited someone else in her place.
She flipped. Said I “replaced” her and that I “never gave her a chance this time.” I reminded her she had three chances the past few years, and this time she literally went silent for 48 hours right before a trip she had previously ditched three times.
Now my brother says I should’ve sent her one last “are you still coming?” message. Maybe. But after being burned so many times, it didn’t feel fair to keep chasing her for a “maybe.”
So, Reddit.. AITA for deciding not to wait around again and assuming she wasn’t coming?
Comments
Nope. She’s 29 years old and should have better communication skills. Sounds like she waits until the last minute to see if she has a better offer.
NTA. She flaked twice before and since she went radio-silent and failed to engage you had to cut your losses and not have everyone else pick up her slack for not being part of the pre-planning group.
Maybe this will teach her a lesson.
sooo NTA but i do agree with your brother on the you probably should have sent a still coming message. i totally understand the frustration but you did invite her so it’s probably right to confirm before replacing her. or maybe next time just don’t invite her bc after three years of her ditching it’s inconsiderate of her.
NTA, but maybe next year, ask if she wants to come and let her know you need her to venmo you her share, non-refundable, before you make a reservation. this year she can come if she wants to pay for part of the trip and sleep on the couch, no harm no foul.
NTA. You didn’t “replace” her, you filled the seat she abandoned three years in a row. You even gave her another shot, and she ghosted again until the last second. That’s not miscommunication, that’s a pattern. You’re not running a beach trip on vibes and prayers, you made a plan, and she didn’t show up for it. Choices have consequences.
I’m going with NTAH. I wonder if you should even invite her next time. But, Maybe if you would have everyone pay you their fair share in advance, this wouldn’t be a problem. If they have money in the game they are less likely to cancel. Just have everyone Venmo you.
NTA
nta. yr sister should start communicating like an adult.
NTA. I have ADHD and have a lot of issues with being timely in my replies to people, but I put all my important plans in my calender and if I know that I’m about to go away with people, I’d be more conscious of needing to reply swiftly. If she cared, she’d put in the effort.
Make her actually pay upfront! NTA. She needs to be more invested and hopefully being financially involved she will be better. Oh, and have a no money back guarantee for her. If she bails, she loses money and gets booted from the next year vacation.
NTA. Absolutely not. She’s a grown woman who is repeating the consequences of her actions.
Agree with the others who say she waited til the last minute to see if something better came up.
NTA. You could have messaged her to say you hadn’t heard from her and wanted to let her know that you were inviting someone else to cover her portion of the payment. It would have avoided this. But you didn’t, so oh well. If you feel you need to invite her next time, give her a payment deadline prior to the trip and tell her she’ll get replaced if she fails to prepay. Important to tell her what will happen if she doesn’t hold up her end
Sounds like nothing better came up.
ESH.
I understand where you’re coming from, but you should have seen this coming and taken precautions. If you didn’t want to get stuck with the bill, you should have collected money beforehand. Since she has a history, you could have given her conditions such as checking in at specific times before the trip and confirm everything in advance.
Instead, you made a promise and broke it. That’s AH behavior.
She’s 29
She wants a reservation every year but only decides last minute if to come or not?
And usually she does not come or communicate,
She also is not paying for her part?
Yep,
You could have but you are not her mother,
she gave you the silent treatment gearing up to ditching you all, but the truth of the matter is that a 29 year old who is going on a trip didn’t contact you in time to get the details and arrange payment is enough of a sign.
Next year she can commit with an actual involvement and covering her share (even if she flakes).
ESH
I can understand that you did expect her to flake, but not talking about the trip right before the trip isn’t that uncommon even for people who are coming.
So if she didn’t ignore direct questions I think this was unfair. If she did not react to questions you directly directed at her, I can understand your reaction. Then NTA.
ESH. I get that you were annoyed with her non-response to your messages, but you could have (and should have) sent a message saying specifically that if she did not respond to this message, you were going to assume she was flaking again and replace her. Then if she hadn’t responded and you had replaced her, you would not have been the AH.
She has a slight point but she can’t be surprised.
Dealing with ppl that flaky is stressful as hell.
She is totally unaware if she thinks going blank right before is helpful.
It’s not that important to her otherwise she would have come the other times. It sounds like she really likes attention.
NTA
Your sister sounds like a lot of work but I agree with your brother, you should have sent a quick txt day before and if no reply then yeah, replace her. Your sister flaking the last couple of times I understand why you reacted they way you did.
NTA but sister is a lil bit
YTA. YOU assumed she would cancel. She never did. That was all in your head. Every time you actually asked, she confirmed she was coming. You just decided to push her out all on your own.
Yes she’d cancelled in the past, but she hadn’t this year, and every time you asked she’d confirmed. You should have checked again before replacing her.
NTA. She FAFO. She finally (maybe) learned that actions have consequences. Perhaps she liked the drama of “where were you? Are you okay? We missed you.” This time she learned that no one gave a damn. Well, maybe your brother. Next year…demand payment in full, up front, the instant you make reservations. No money? She’s not going, or she better bring a sleeping bag and plan on sleeping on the floor in the living room.
A sibling of mine would NEVER ever get asked to go on a trip again if the first time I invite them and they send me a text back with.. “Not this year my vibe is off” your vibe can fck all the way off…
NTA. If you have a history of acting flaky…people are going to expect you to be flaky…
The brother should feel free to take over the job of following up on her and paying if she falls through. ?!?
NTA. As the organizer of all trips there’s nothing I hate more than people like this who flake or don’t respond until last minute. It is so disrespectful and stressful for the organizer. She’s not the only one with “vibes” and “wellness” to worry about. She is selfish and this should teach her a lesson.
She’s definitely doing it on purpose you did the right thing.
Nta..
She’s grown and able to communicate like an adult.
Asking again is enabling her behavior.
Don’t invite her again and if you do have her pay for everything in advance, in cash!
It’s not fair for you to pay her share when she doesn’t show up and it’s not always possible to find a replacement in 2 days!
Your brother saying “you should have sent her one last “are you coming?” text,” will be paying her share every time she bails
Actions >> Consequences. Maybe she’ll choose to behave more responsibly in the future.
You were handling the organization and reservations. You had 3 years experience of her being rude and not going, not communicating about it either. Stop questioning yourself. If your brother has an opinion great, next year he can deal with her immaturity. You don’t owe anyone your time and effort especially someone who gives you problems.
NTA
She’s 29 and has a well-documented history of flaking and leaving you with the bill.
NTA. Was your brother in the group chat?
Did OP eat sis’s cost for 3(?) flaked trips? I would have asked that sis pay what she owed and if she refused then tell her it’s going to be put to the rest of the family to pony up more $$ as a result of sis not honouring her commitment.
Then going forward sis has to both pay up front – rental is based on # of guests so if she isn’t coming then perhaps a smaller/cheaper accommodation could be found which would be a savings for everyone else. And invite the family friend anyway 😊
Oh no! How terrible there are consequenses for my behavior and not being able to screw my sister over on a whim!!!
After the first time she flaked on you she should have been required to pay upfront before making the reservation. Then if she doesn’t go, at least her spot was paid for.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m a moron.
NTA – She flaked on you three times, why would you trust her? Isn’t it 3 strikes you’re out?