Probably time to end things

I’ve been married to my wife for almost 10 years. She is 15 years my junior. I am gen x, and she, well, she isn’t. About two weeks prior to our wedding day, you know, the day that leads to the happily ever after, we found out she was pregnant with our second child (I understand that the cart was in front of the horse here, but important to note that the two children are the only great thing about this union.) On our wedding day, as pregnant brides will often do, she over indulged on booze and drank herself into a bit of a stupor. The disappointment didn’t end there. Post nuptials, on the same aforementioned wedding day, she informed me that she had made a terrible mistake. She should have never married me. She wanted an annulment. I went back to our suite, packed up a couple of rented tuxedos (my brother asked that I return his too) and the rest of the luggage and prepared to head home. She caught me as I was walking out of the room, questioned me on what I was doing, and was legitimately surprised when I told her.

So began the last (almost) 10 years. Not all bad, by any means, but mostly bad would be a fair assessment. A deluge of divorce threats and spitefulness that are reserved for only for the worst of unions. There were alcohol induced physical attacks, sure, but those failed in comparison to the constant malevolent threats of divorce and never being able to see my kids again, etc. I never fully believed the threats, but it is California (I know, I’d left that part out until now) so you never can be too sure. They were unsettling regardless of their potential of validity.

One of my favorite episodes was when she was worked up into a fervor for a reason that is still unbeknownst to me and was packing to take the kids (they were probably 6 and 7 by then) to her moms for the night. She was welcome to leave, I told her, but she was not going to take the kids as she, of course, was inebriated. In response to my refusal, she phoned the police department and claimed that I was being verbally and mentally abusive. Of course, they made the trip out. There is nothing more debilitating than watching your young children staring at awe at police officers in your family room. They should never have been exposed to that, not in my home, not where they are supposed to be safe from horseshit (not the cops, the situation.) Anyhow, she had the cops pretty well convinced that she was good to drive, but just to be safe they gave her a breathalizer. She blew a .2

Enough whining. After all, she was a choice that I made. Three glorious years later in our blessed union we have arrived here on divorce’s doorstep. And finally, to the point of this post.

We have our first court date this Thursday. In three days. When we met, she was a student studying to get her BS. She had my full support. Giddyup! I would fit the bills until she graduated, no small task in this expensive part of the country. She graduated. She decided she wanted her MS. Okay, shit, but ok. She got her MS. She wanted her doctorate. Really?! Spoiler alert, she’s never contributed and no doctorate later she is entitled to half. Oddly enough, I’m fine with all that. It’s only money. The strain comes with how do I keep a home for my kids to live in and come up with $200k to pay her off? The mortgage on the home is less than what rent would be.

Our court date was supposed to be this October. Today, she was able to move it up to this Thursday. I asked her to postpone so I could get some questions answered but she refused. It seems unfair that I am only given a couple of days to prepare. I have no idea what to bring to court with me. I did speak with an attorney briefly today, before she shared that the date had been moved up. She wants to represent ourselves, but I am wondering if that’s a smart idea. At the same time, it’s California, everything is split 50/50 generally regardless of circumstances so spending money on attorneys can be a waste of time.

Of course, the only thing that matters to me in all of this is my 9 and 10 year old. They are the reason that I stayed in the marriage as long as I did and they are the reason why I have anxiety about this upcoming undoing of nuptials. It’s depressing to know that I will only see them half of what I do now. I swore that I would do everything in my power not to ever be in this position. I am not sure that I did but I think it is time.

I don’t want full custody, my kids love their mom and I don’t want to negatively impact them any more than statistics say this already will. She claims to want joint 50/50 custody as well but I am nervous.

I suppose tomorrow I will reach out to the courts and an attorney to hopefully uncover some options. Any insight y’all (“y’all”, I know, I grew up in California but I went to college out of state) might have would be appreciated.

TL;DR: advice surrounding separation and divorce