My life is cooked

My childhood was terrible. I had an abusive father and constant fights at home. He used to beat me like anything, he broke my hand once with a chair. Recently, I met my aunt after a long time, and she told me I used to hide under the bed and shiver when my parents fought. I don’t even remember that. I guess my brain erased those bad memories.

There were days when I didn’t utter a word and just stayed in silence. So my aunt suggested my mom take me to a doctor because I wasn’t responding or as active as other children. The doctor told my mom it was because of the fighting at home.

I found out recently that my mom cheated on my dad, and the man she was with was a fraud. He manipulated her and looted all her money, including her wedding chain. But my parents are still together, because divorce is a big taboo here and also because they are trauma bonded.

Physically and emotionally bullied by school seniors in school bathroom. When I told about this to my father he hit me with belt saying “why did you got beaten by them you are a coward.”

When it comes to love, I’m 24 now and have honestly only loved one girl and that was way back in school. I never told her. I came close once but backed out. My friend told her about my feelings, and when she asked me, I got scared she would complain to teacher, so I said no I don’t love her. Years later, we went to different schools, and I found out she got into a relationship with another one of my friends.

In college, I had a crush on someone, but my friends said she was out of my league. I didn’t try until the last day of college. I finally spoke to her, and she just straight-up walked away, saying no. That was it.

Career-wise, I did aeronautical engineering (Covid batch), but I have zero skills. I was never interested in it. I picked the degree because it sounded cool. Then I joined a BPO job that destroyed my health. I had pleurisy, then pneumonia, then TB. Now I’ve found out I have a hole in my heart and need surgery.

Right now, I live upstairs in my house, away from them. It’s a bit more peaceful. But I still hear them fight almost every day.

I have only a few friends left. Most of them were toxic. I recently realized that I subconsciously attracted them to try and win over the patterns of my past trauma. So I’ve started cutting people off and setting boundaries.

The only thing keeping me alive is my dreams. If not for them, I wouldn’t be here. They’ve been saving me since childhood.

Now, happiness and joy feel like distant dreams. I don’t know if I’ll ever experience all that I long for. I want to travel. I want to meet beautiful people. I want to witness mesmerizing sunsets across different horizons with a heart full of peace and gratitude. But right now, it all feels like a vague, unreachable dream.