I was just thinking about this after a conversation with a girlfriend and realized even in my long term relationships I didn’t feel emotionally safe. I’m curious, what are some things you ladies have experienced that qualify.
I was just thinking about this after a conversation with a girlfriend and realized even in my long term relationships I didn’t feel emotionally safe. I’m curious, what are some things you ladies have experienced that qualify.
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I’m in the same boat as you. I haven’t experienced emotional safety with any of my relationships either and I’m married!
Giving her reassurance, letting her know what she means to you. Validating her feelings even when you don’t see it her way. Something like, “I see how my behavior made you feel that way…”, “I can understand that…”It must no have been fun feeling that, I get it? But let me tell you how I see it…”.
Checking in on her. Message her to ask how she’s doing, what was her day like, and what she plans to do.
Letting her know beforehand when you’re busy or if there’s any shift in your routines for the purpose of making her feel included in your life.
When there’s something either one of you don’t like, you express it. Listen to her regardless of how uncomfortable it is for you.
The objective is to make her feel safe with you emotionally. No guessing or confusion.
I think real safety is built up over time – it’s a form of trust after all.
For me, the biggest thing is how people handle conflicts. Anyone can be nice in a good mood or on an easy day. What about when things go wrong? Can they be civil, fair, respectful, stay in connection?
We have since broken up but my ex was there when I had a hypomanic episode and he was very patient and understanding and just rode it out with me and didn’t make me feel judged. It was very scary and vulnerable and he made me feel so safe.
He also made a point to comment on the things I felt insecure about in a positive way. Like when I’m comfortable with someone I can talk way too much and then feel self conscious, but he always assured me that he not only was ok with my constant yapping, he loved it. It was a very nice feeling. He didn’t just tolerate my flaws and annoying qualities, he loved them and loved me for those things, not despite them.
My example is platonic friendship, not a romantic relationship, but I love it when male friends and even male strangers call me mate/man/dude/bro. I know that some women hate it but to me it’s a sign that they see me as a peer and are less likely to want more or talk down to me.
Of course it can also be manipulation, or pointedly signalling lack of interest, but in general it makes me really comfortable.
Okay this is more of a funny but when we first got together I was really upset with someone. I was so upset by the person I said “I’m so angry I just want to slash all of their tires!” And my (now) husband said “No, just slash three because it’s most affordable to replace all 4 so only needing to replace three would make them more mad.” And it made me get right out of my terrible mood and laugh. I just felt so open and knowing I was being overly upset, it made me feel this type of listened to and cared for I’ve never felt before.
We had been dating for maybe two months when my five year-old cat suddenly collapsed and died in front of me. I called and told him and he was very quiet, and then I heard that he was sobbing. He couldn’t get over how sad it was that such a young cat passed away and he was even more heartbroken because he couldn’t imagine how hurt I was. I married that guy.
His words and actions lined up so perfectly over time that I stopped bracing for the other shoe to drop.
When I met my now late fiance, I was years out from a domestic violence episode but very much still learning to manage / live with PTSD from it. My partner had the courage to ask me directly what he needed to do / not do to make sure I felt safe with him, and then he followed through exactly as so. I actually answered this question in a lot of detail here in a previous post if you’re open for a long read:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/comments/1kopyml/comment/mst8mvk/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Before our first date, and now every time he’s coming to pick me up, my now boyfriend sends me his ETA from Apple Maps so I can see his location and how soon he’ll be arriving. It immediately put me at ease.
(I’ve had friends, specifically male, tell me that’s over kill and too far, but it made me feel so safe.)
Other things he’s done is tell me things like, “I want you to feel secure af, tell me what you need.”
And he’s mindful of my menstrual cycle and has asked questions like, “how do I support you during this part of your cycle?”
Above and beyond being a loving person, he’s consistent and reliable. His sense of security makes me feel secure.
A couple of weeks after my boyfriend and I started dating (he wasn’t even my bf yet), one of my friends found out she was unwantedly pregnant right before a surgery and one of my relatives had passed away.
I took care of my friend panicking and crying and throwing up and making a decision while mourning a loss. And then I accompanied my friend to the hospital for the abortion and surgery plus cared for her afterwards.
When I told my boyfriend I was having a rough week, he moved our next date from “in three days” to “now”. Sat on the couch, held me, listened and comforted me for over an hour.
Listens and inquiries for more information to understand whatever I’m sharing. He doesn’t try to solve my problems but he always will listen. He lets me know I don’t have to share more than I’m comfortable with either. And never judges me for anything I share.
Checks in. In many ways. But relationship wise, he’s checking in to make sure we both have space to share our feelings and expectations. He doesn’t avoid or walk away from those difficult conversations. Physically, he often checks in multiple times to ask how I’m feeling. Let’s me know he wants me to feel good.
Let’s me just be my actual self around him. Is very comforting and kind.
He’s also very consistent and his words and actions align. He’s honest about himself and his shortcomings. He’s a very good and genuine person. He has a close group of friends that all absolutely adore him.
All of these qualities were things I noticed early on in the first couple months. And all of those things are still true and I’ve only seen more examples of these things. I told him early on in one of our first check ins that I felt incredibly safe with him. So yeah.
This is a great question. I don’t think there is any one particular ah-ha moment but rather little moments over time that built that trust/emotional safety. One moment that always stands out to me though is when we were just hanging out in our mutual friend group before we were even dating. The group always hung out at a playground after hours (as many teenagers used to do😂) and I was alone on the swings while everyone else was scattered around the park. He took the swing next to me and just immediately asked “what’s wrong?” Being the guarded angsty teen that I was I said “🤨nothings wrong” and he goes “nothings wrong means somethings wrong”. I was very suspicious at first but he genuinely cared about me and my wellbeing, and continues to show that genuine care to this day. Not to get too much into my personal history but I didn’t grow up in an emotionally safe home, so feeling that emotional safety from him was very polarizing and felt extremely foreign. I fought it for a long time until my brain finally recognized “hey this person is safe”. He’s shown me nothing but patience, kindness, and love.
Told me about his husband lol
When I’m stressed he always asks what he can do to support me and then actions tbose things. I feel really seen with him and accepted, all the bits of me are OK. I can put on weight, he doesn’t care. He is always honest.
Holding me, and telling me “it’s ok.” I grew being berated and told to constantly “suck it up.” I’m still getting used to it, but it’s wonderful being able to be vulnerable in the arms of a strong and loving man.
I was very nervous about saying “I love you” to my now husband when we were dating. It was clear we both loved each other, annnnd he said he loved me for the first time and said super calm “I know how you feel and you don’t have to say it till you’re ready. I already know.” And I like deflated from fear and sobbed lol he’s so sweet
One of the first times I stayed over at his place, I went onto the front porch alone to have an evening toke. While I was out there, I started to hear sirens in the distance. Then, a train horn started blaring. The combination of both sounds and the weed was overstimulating, and my heart started racing. I began feeling incredibly anxious, and when I went inside, I told him what happened. He surprised me by responding, “aw, you poor thing,” and embracing me. While he held me, he stated, “You’re safe.”
It wasn’t him saying, “you’re safe,” that made me feel safe. It was the fact that he didn’t ignore, disregard, diminish, nor make fun of my feelings. He didn’t make me feel foolish. He made me feel like my reaction was okay, not something to be embarrassed of. Comforting me was the icing on the cake – I was already on my way to comfort myself with a betablocker. So, I felt safe and cared for.
He was there for me in the weeks leading up to my mom’s passing. I hadn’t known him for very long and don’t know exactly what it was about him that made me feel so comfortable almost immediately, but I just remember feeling safe to be myself and be candid with him. I honestly didn’t thank him enough for that. My long term boyfriend (now ex) never made me feel that safe emotionally, not even close
My bf is really good at taking accountability when he fucks up and doesn’t get defensive when I bring up issues and concerns– instead he listens with an open mind and validates me.
I know this should be the bare minimum, but it’s HUGE and it floored me.
Leave
I am a highly sensitive person and but I struggle with expressing my emotions around others. One night after a few cocktails I decided to watch a cute movie. I picked onward and as someone who has a difficult relationship with their dad, holy hell did I pick the wrong movie. Needless to say after watching I was bawling my eyes out (I thought quietly) in the shower and my partner knocked came in and asked if I was okay. I was a blubbering mess and he just open the shower curtain and hugged me. He held me for a good long while I just cried. His clothes and shoes got soaked but it was so sweet and so beautiful. I don’t think I’ve ever felt such comfort from a partner in my life.
Validated my feelings when I expressed I felt negatively about something they did.
Early on in our relationship I was visiting my long distance bf. Obviously we immediately had a lot of sex as we were long distance…well, the double whammy occurred. I got my period AND a UTI. Out of commission for the entire trip. Instead of being upset or pouting, he immediately went to CVS for me, picked up all my meds/tampons, and brought my tons of snacks and my favorite food. Then he set me up in his bed with my favorite show and we spent the next few days just chilling watching movies and ordering takeout. He didn’t make one peep about being sad that our weekend was ruined. In fact, he acted like it was the best weekend ever.
We’re broken up now, but I will never ever forget that.
This thread made me cry because I realized how I’ve never been with anyone romantically that has made me feel emotionally safe.
My guy friend asks me if I want to talk about it. I tell him how I feel, and he might give me advice and follow with OR follow my statement with “do you need me to listen, sympathize, or give you solutions?”. And just the fact he asks what I need from him is crazy and makes me feel seen. It’s just the care that he takes to make sure he responds in a way to make me feel heard and validated is so comforting. I’ve never felt emotionally safe in any romantic relationship either, and even though this isn’t romantic, it’s healing me.
I have a type and it’s men who show covert interest. They’ll tell me I look good in something without making their interest known so it just sounds like a compliment. Unfortunately they are covert because they’re avoidant, so it usually ends up with me feeling unlovable, but I feel really safe sexually. And I guess if that’s the best thing I can think of, it could be worse eh?
An ex, but one I’m still on good terms with.
A friend’s mom died shortly before we began dating. She was going through her personal effects figuring out what to sell, what to keep, what to give away, and she found some things she thought I’d like and offered to bring them by. When she got to my place I asked how she was doing, and she broke down describing the process of reducing her mom’s life to a stack of legal paperwork and how gut-wrenching that was.
I gave her a hug, and then my new boyfriend leaned in and gave her one, too. He saw a total stranger in pain and crying and he didn’t get weird or uncomfortable, he instantly tried to offer comfort. It told me a lot about his character and his emotional intelligence.
A straight man that isn’t afraid to be sassy. Guys afraid to sass back as a form of rapport among closer peers got some reflecting to do.
I often feel like this sub revolves around men & relationships too much, but these responses were really beautiful to read. Thanks for asking this question.
He said “leave it with me”
Me and my current partner had our first disagreement. He didn’t get angry at me for being upset or try to turn it into an argument about the things about me he didn’t like. He heard me out, apologized and asked what he could do to make sure this issue didn’t happen again. And he’s kept his word. 🥰
For me it was his dedication to taking care of his mother, sister, and niece. They’d all been through some rough stuff in the past and even though all three women/girl were strong with good heads on their shoulders, he expressed several times that he would always make sure they were safe. I’ve struggled all my life with childhood neglect, abuse, and parentification , and I’ve always felt very alone and unsupported. The one real period of my life that I felt like someone really had my back was when I was with him. He always asked that I text him when I got home to make sure I’d made it okay. He taught me how to change a flat tire – he was the first man to ACTUALLY teach me instead of just talking me through it while they did it for me. Having that skill literally got me through multiple bad situations. When I went through an intensive eating disorder treatment program and was an absolute mess every day, he would talk me down even though he didn’t understand it at all. When someone stalked me on a dark highway for 26 miles and I called him to listen over the phone in case something happened while I stupidly wanted to confront the guy, he insisted I call the police instead of him who was two states away. That ended up being a lifesaving call – the guy did NOT have good intentions for me.
No one’s ever looked out for me like that – parents were either abusive or needed me to parent, boyfriends just boyfriended without doing much to show they actually had my back, sibling will throw money my way if I ask but is possibly on the spectrum and not great at connecting emotionally.
Sorry for the dump – I needed that apparently.
I just need a hug whenever I’m down.
I went on a date and I was worried I would knock something off the table so o started moving things away from me. He asked what I was doing and I explained.. he said I shouldn’t worry about it because he is really good at catching things. My heart melted a bit!
Why do all these answers feel like common sense or bare minimum for me? Should I be concerned about my own expectations?
The way he handled our first fight. With emotional maturity, understanding, grace, vulnerability and the willingness to fix things right away.
The first night we spent time together (after meeting at a party that same night) we talked and cuddled until 5am and then fell asleep in each other’s arms. He never once tried anything more than kissing me. He also followed up with me later that day.
I think sometimes you know right away whether someone is emotionally safe for you or not. But I will admit that I have often ignored my gut intuition that they were not safe for me because I wanted them or wanted them to want me, etc. I will never do that again. If I don’t feel physically AND emotionally safe, they are not the one.
When he listened to me rant for over an hour about something and asked me if there was anything he could do to help.
I had to leave for work, he told me “I’m dropping everything and I’m coming with you because I don’t see my life any other way than with you.”