I’m a home baker. My cakes are quite popular in my family because they’re prett and they taste good. I personalise all the cakes. It’s my gift for everyone in my family’s birthdays. Earlier this year, cousin wanted me to make her a vegan fruit cake for her husband’s birthday. I asked her for inspo and I told her that I’ve never made vegan cake. She said do whatever I want as long as she doesn’t have to pay. I’m like… ok… I’ve never asked anyway. And she said there’ll be 50+ people at the party so sh wanted 2 cakes. And I delivered. 2 different fruit cakes. One with 2 stacks of watermelon and whipped coconut cream and one huge one with berries and pineapple and lemon-mint-basil dressing. Everyone loved them. Except my cousin. She said I was “too cheap” to not bake her a cake and just “stacked fruits on fruits”. She didn’t say it to me. She said it to other people including my mom. Last week, she told me that she’s excited for her birthday cake I’ll be baking for her and I said no because I think my cakes her too cheap for her liking. She looked shocked and asked if I was serious. I told her I was. I said I put a lot of time and effort into those fruit cakes. Especially since I had to adjust for the heat and the berries were not cheap. I reminded her she said I could “do whatever I want” and I gave it my best. If that wasn’t good enough for her si I’d rather not put myself through that again. She got upset and said I was being petty and holding a grudge over “one little comment.” I told her it wasn’t just the comment. It was the fact that she couldn’t say it to my face and instead bad-mouthed me to out family, including my own mom, when all I did was try to give her something special, for free. Now some of my relatives are saying I should let it go because “family is family” and “it’s just cake.” But to me, it’s not just cake. It’s my time, my ingredients and a gift I create and give with love. I’m not a vending machine. I don’t have extra money to spend. I don’t want to make something for someone who clearly doesn’t value it…
Should I just be the bigger person?
Comments
“Free” doesn’t mean “free of effort”. People forget that.
you gave her a thoughtful gift, she talked behind your back. it’s okay to say no. you’re not being petty ,you’re setting a boundary.
NTA she isn’t entitled to your time and talent if she doesn’t appreciate it then best spent on someone who does
NTA. Your time and talent are gifts, not obligations. If they can’t appreciate, they don’t deserve cake, end of story.
NTA – since it’s “just cake” anyone with that attitude is welcome to make or buy their own. Don’t let them undervalue your love and skill.
NTA, she can go get her expensive cake somewhere else! she just wants you to make another free cake.
Nope, NTA. Your time, skill, and ingredients are worth something. Respect isn’t just given, it’s earned – even in family.
Anyone criticising you txt back & say: “I’m excited to see what you come up with. I’m sure it will be delicious!”……
NTA—-but I’m a little confused. You said she asked for vegan fruit cake, which I would understand to mean a traditional fruit cake, but with vegan ingredients. If I’m reading correctly, what you ended up giving her was fruit salad in the shape of cakes?
I completely understand your not wanting to make anything else for her, and that she was wrong in saying you could “do whatever you want”, but I do think she was asking for something you would actually BAKE in the oven. Yes, she should have talked to you about it, and not badmouthed you to family, but I do understand why she was upset at what you delivered. It’s a communication problem.
I don’t think you need to be the “bigger person”, and simply bake her a cake like always, but I do think you should maybe try and have a conversation with her.
If my understanding of this is wrong, just ignore me.
Your cousin is ungrateful and any family members who tell you to let it go are just enablers
NTA and I’d stop making cake for anyone who had made a comment. Seems almost like your family is taking advantage of you at this point.
No respect? = No cake.
Heck no techno, NTA and eff her. In fact I would help the family understand what a petty grudge looks like by implementing my birthday tradition of not doing anything for squealing suckling pigs and anyone part of her royal bratness court also wont get anything from me. I hope they enjoy ol girl who doesn’t give anything and just takes but they would never get free labor from me again.
Your cousin sounds like an entitled snob. She’s t/AH.
Maybe if she offered you a sincere apology, it would go a long way towards healing the rift, but until then…No cake for you , Cuz!
I buy fruit all the time. And lots of berries. No doubt that fruit cake cost you a lot of money. If she doesn’t appreciate your efforts – why would anyone think you would continue to do it? Nope. NTAH.
Your cousin sound ungrateful and I wouldn’t make a cake for her either.
But also, whoever came and told you the cousin made those comments is a mean spirited trouble maker.
NTA, homemade has so much more effort put into it than anything store-bought. I like to make gift cards sounds simple, but sometimes it takes me hours to figure out the right colors and the layout. And then put it together. It’s not just money it’s time and effort
NTA I would be upset if someone brought an actual fruit cake to my birthday. That thing would’ve made it to the trash after everyone left. OP made a vegan dessert like she was asked and everyone liked it. OP was given no insight just that it needed to be fruit. Baking vegan when you don’t normally bake vegan is a whole other thing. Everything you use can’t be tainted by animal products at all. Doesn’t matter if you washed and sanitized them, once used with animal products those items are no longer vegan friendly. OP made a vegan dessert the only way he could without tainting the dessert.
If cousin wants OP to bake her an actual vegan cake she needs to make a list of all the items she uses to bake a cake price them out with tax. Give the invoice to cousin and say I can make you your vegan birthday cake but either you need to purchase all these items so I can be sure it’s vegan or I can buy them and here is the invoice for those items. I’ll need to know which direction you’re choosing so I can plan. If she balks tell her she didn’t like the last creation and it was vegan so this is the only way. OP can say this list doesn’t include ingredients just the items needed to bake with.
NTA baking birthday cakes is a very generous gift of time, talent and money. Gifting is voluntary. Like you, I love making homemade gifts for people that appreciate them. Extending that gift to your cousin’s husband is a stretch. Does your extended family normally give birthday gifts every year? Does your cousin get you a gift? You can stop giving gifts at any time for any reason. And because they didn’t value your time and effort is a perfectly valid reason. Honestly when cousin asked you to supply a cake for a party I would have declined. It’s one thing to make a normal sized cake with normal ingredients for the birthday person. It’s wild for that to be turned into a custom request to supply a party for 50+ people. It’s OK to start limiting who you bake for. I would cut off anyone who makes you feel obligated or unappreciated.
NTA. Well I guess she should have been a little more specific when she said fruit cake. I presume she wanted something like a Christmas fruit cake so all those jellied cherries and other fruits and whatever all cut it into bits and pieces mixed into a batter and baked and with Brandy infused into it. Which is a heck of a lot of work especially if you wanted two of them. You took a fresh take and fresh fruit is not cheap so I’m sure these tasted incredible and looked incredible. Yeah talk about Beggars being choosers here. You do her a favor and she kicks you in the face for it. No I would never bake or make her another cake.
No it’s time to turn off the free bakery train
Why is it always the wronged people are told to just let it go instead of person doing the wrong thing told to be better? In any case, NTA. Your cousin didn’t appreciate your efforts she wants a freebee.
NTA
“it’s just cake” would only apply if you cry because you dropped one.
It’s not just cake, it’s your feelings that she hurt and your effort that she badmouthed. Whoever is saying it’s just cake is obviously offering to bake her one.
Everyone who says you are being petty doesn’t value your time or work either. I’d be drawing up a list of people who will just get a thoughtful card for their Bday.
Or maybe just let everyone know you are taking a year or so off of baking. They can arrange thier own cakes. Maybe they’ll appreciate it when it’s gone.
Just. Dreadful dismissive word. If it’s just a cake she can just make it herself
It’s your money too.
And your choice. You can make cakes for who you want.
Start making a list.
Family isn’t family. Family is who treats you well.
NTA – you can always just tell them that since its “just a cake” that anyone in your family should be able to make it and you’re glad they’re volunteering.
If it was “just a cake” why was SHE bad mouthing it to several people?
NTA.
But why is it that Reddit is the only place where I see the phrase “Family is family”?
Nta for not wanting to make her a cake. She handled it wrong and and your feelings are valid. However, this could have been avoided with better communication on both parts. Mostly hers since she was the one who asked for a fruit cake and said “do whatever as long as it’s vegan”. As we can see the definition of fruit cake is wide open for interpretation. Would have been easy to clarify if she wanted a baked one with fruit included in the recipe or one made of fruit, which in my opinion isn’t really a cake. A cake is baked and there’s some really good, inexpensive recipes out there. My youngest likes to bake and we made cupcakes for a small party for a group they were in and a cpl people were vegan, we found a wonderful lemon lime recipe that was awesome.
She should definitely apologize for her comments and treating you how she did, but if you were close with her you shouldn’t let this ruin the relationship. You should try to talk it out with her and IF there’s a next time and she tries to say “do whatever” (or anyone else) say nope. Not doing that. If you’re making a request don’t leave it vague or up to interpretation.
Its time to stop. Youre gift has become an expectation. They are no longer grateful. Bake for people who are actually grateful.
If it really is “just cake”, let them pick one up from the grocery store
She should have lost the cake even before she said she doesn’t care as long as she doesn’t have to pay for it. She’s rude and feels obnoxiously entitled. Guessing she’s never done much for you.
You can still be the bigger person and let her and everyone else know you are willing to put the whole incident behind you, but she shouldn’t be expecting any more freebies from you.
Sounds like some relatives just volunteered to make her a cake. NTA
Ok first of all…A cake, not I need cake for 40. Good god, how are people this entitled?
Obviously, she no longer deserves cake service. You can also tell her she already got two on the last birthday.
NTA but your cousin is a big one.
Me being the petty person would go overboard and make a gorgeous cake just to see how long it will take her to realize it says “Bye Felicia” instead of happy birthday…
You are the bigger person by saying no to her and telling her how you felt in that she didn’t appreciate your efforts. That’s the bugger person! Hell no. You did all that work and she trashed you to everyone. Tell her she can put on her order at Walmart or Costco. They make excellent cakes. Yummy
NTA. Make a “special” cake for her. Keep it secret until her birthday. And then unveil:
A huge, vieny penis shaped cake, with whipped cream spewing from the tip! Frosted cupcakes for balls. And tell her “Happy Birthday to the biggest dick in the family”!
Saying you are too cheap is a strange way of saying thank you.
NTA. I’m pretty petty but these people just beg for it sometimes. The fact that she was shocked by your response is what is shocking to me. People can’t just say what they want and walk all over you.
NTA she was demanding and ungratefull. Also I don’t understand why they don’t pay the ingredients?
This is crazy to me. I wouldnt do it either. It’s not petty she is ungrateful. And the family saying let it go. I hear that on here so much. My family has never said let it go. We just play it out. No one gets in the others business.
NTA. You could give a gift – a list of ingredients and steps to make the cake. Or teach her how to make the cake, just tell her what to do step by step.
NTA I’m always amazed when the person who is using someone gets butt hurt when you stop letting them use you. Where is the outrage from your family to her about what she said after you spent your time and money to make not even just one but 2 cakes for her.
I wouldn’t make for her or any of the people who think you should accept being treated badly by anyone especially family.
“Be the bigger person” means “let people treat you like shit, rugsweep and avoid all accountability, and you must keep coming back for more shit treatment.”
As far as she’s concerned, you’re nothing but an appliance owned by the family that produces free high-quality cakes on demand. “That’s all you are. Now shut up and bake.”
No. Don’t.
NTA
It was free and she said you could do what you want. But I do think you should have have said to her you didn’t intend to make a cake and instead intended to make fancy fruit salads, so that she could have made alternative arrangements for a cake. I think your family have unfair expectations on you to provide desserts for free at the drop of a hat, but if you tell someone you’re bringing cake, at least give them a heads up that you’re bringing fruit salad instead.
nooooooooooo
NTA. Not a baker but I’ve done a good bit of catering. If anyone tried that with me I’d tell them to go suck a Costco size bag of d***’s
Do not give the ignorant ah anything. She is rude and entitled. Nta
Baker here who has made various fruit cakes AND vegan cakes. You are so NTA.
“Fruit cake” can mean a lot of things. Spice cake with dried fruit? Cake with fruit filling? Cake with fruit mixed in? Cake made of fruit? You asked for inspo and guidance, specifically saying you were out of your comfort zone, and were told to “do whatever”
I’m sure you then looked into making vegan cake. No dairy (including many margarines that contain whey or milk products), no eggs. Most people are already out of their league with those restrictions!
Then you realize you can’t even use regular granulated or powdered sugar (most are made with bone char in the process and aren’t vegan), and can’t substitute with something like honey (animal product). Some candies have shellack (an animal product) in their coating, sugar (see previous), or gelatin (animal product).
The substitutes or vegan versions for all of those ingredients is EXPENSIVE. They can also bake up completely differently than the “traditional” ingredients you’re used to – even using different butters/margarines can impact a recipe! You often can’t just adapt a non-vegan recipe and have it turn out the same – unless you’re really familiar with vegan baking. You aren’t. You would’ve had to do several trial bakes to make sure you had a reliable recipe that turned out okay.
All of that is for any vegan cake.
A traditional fruitcake, or “Christmas cake” would need subs for: dairy, eggs, sugar, and candied fruit/peel. And possibly even some of the dried fruit, depending on ingredients (some are sugared). That’s the entire damn cake!
That’s a big ask for anyone, especially as a favor.
You did the best you could, and people enjoyed the cakes you made. Personally, I think it’s an incredibly creative take, and rather ingenious!
Your cousin was not only rude in her comments, but intentionally taking advantage of you in her ask in the first place. If her hubs is vegan, she knows full well how much needs to change when making vegan food vs non-vegan food.