Bf(28M) says he got me(25F) a custom puzzle, I don’t really like puzzles, but I know he loves em. As I’m putting it together, I slowly realize the puzzle is a picture of me posed in front of every match I lost in the League video game.
I got more quiet, he eventually asks what my problem is. I tell him I felt weird about him getting me a valentines gift making fun of me and him wanting to watch me realize that while he is high so he can laugh. He says it’s a joke and I’m ruining it by taking myself too seriously. I try to say I make fun of myself all the time, and getting dogged on is what I am known for at work, I just didn’t expect a valentines gift making fun of me. He insists anyone who can laugh at themselves would find this funny and I am making this all bad. I ask him to explain the joke so I can get it. He gets more defensive and says if he has to explain the joke then it’s no longer a joke and that if I don’t get it I don’t get it.
I try to explain my feelings. I say I watch him talk shit and bully people on this game all the time who are bad players, in his opinion, so when I see this it makes me think he would treat me the same way he treats them if not for the fact he is dating me. Sometimes all I can think about is how he must hate playing with me because I suck ass at this and he doesn’t. He has said in the past it is okay I’m bad at the game because I’m hot. I ask why would I want a framed puzzle making fun of me for valentines.
He gets really mad/upset and responds that he can’t believe that I think of what he says to those people as bullying. He says he finally thought he could let his guard down around me and reveal a little more of his “real” sense of humor (not the puzzle, but letting me see what he types to players in the game). By comparing it to bullying, I am show that I don’t actually like the “real” him and he has to hide it. I have told him I think calling people re****ed and using stereotypes to “bait ppl” over a game is childish and wrong, and was floored he said what I saw was “tame”. He says he made this because I was jealous of my coworkers bf making her an incubator for eggs. He said this took a lot of time and effort and I should’ve expressed gratitude. In this, I think he is right. I try to say “why can’t you just apologize, say you didn’t mean it that way, and then we can move on?” He says doesn’t want to move on, has nothing to apologize for, and he can’t believe that I think he is the one who needs to be sorry. He slowly takes apart the puzzle and throws it away. I fished the puzzle out of the trash. AITA
tldr; my bf got me a custom puzzle for valentines day with a picture of me posing in front of all the games I lost in one particular video game. It is clear to him when I realize this, I don’t like the gift. I compare the way he talks to people in the game to bullying as a means to explain why I don’t like it. This deeply hurt his feelings and I don’t immediately apologize.
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team
Bf(28M) says he got me(25F) a custom puzzle, I don’t really like puzzles, but I know he loves em. As I’m putting it together, I slowly realize the puzzle is a picture of me posed in front of every match I lost in the League video game.
I got more quiet, he eventually asks what my problem is. I tell him I felt weird about him getting me a valentines gift making fun of me and him wanting to watch me realize that while he is high so he can laugh. He says it’s a joke and I’m ruining it by taking myself too seriously. I try to say I make fun of myself all the time, and getting dogged on is what I am known for at work, I just didn’t expect a valentines gift making fun of me. He insists anyone who can laugh at themselves would find this funny and I am making this all bad. I ask him to explain the joke so I can get it. He gets more defensive and says if he has to explain the joke then it’s no longer a joke and that if I don’t get it I don’t get it.
I try to explain my feelings. I say I watch him talk shit and bully people on this game all the time who are bad players, in his opinion, so when I see this it makes me think he would treat me the same way he treats them if not for the fact he is dating me. Sometimes all I can think about is how he must hate playing with me because I suck ass at this and he doesn’t. He has said in the past it is okay I’m bad at the game because I’m hot. I ask why would I want a framed puzzle making fun of me for valentines.
He gets really mad/upset and responds that he can’t believe that I think of what he says to those people as bullying. He says he finally thought he could let his guard down around me and reveal a little more of his “real” sense of humor (not the puzzle, but letting me see what he types to players in the game). By comparing it to bullying, I am show that I don’t actually like the “real” him and he has to hide it. I have told him I think calling people re****ed and using stereotypes to “bait ppl” over a game is childish and wrong, and was floored he said what I saw was “tame”. He says he made this because I was jealous of my coworkers bf making her an incubator for eggs. He said this took a lot of time and effort and I should’ve expressed gratitude. In this, I think he is right. I try to say “why can’t you just apologize, say you didn’t mean it that way, and then we can move on?” He says doesn’t want to move on, has nothing to apologize for, and he can’t believe that I think he is the one who needs to be sorry. He slowly takes apart the puzzle and throws it away. I fished the puzzle out of the trash. AITA
tldr; my bf got me a custom puzzle for valentines day with a picture of me posing in front of all the games I lost in one particular video game. It is clear to him when I realize this, I don’t like the gift. I compare the way he talks to people in the game to bullying as a means to explain why I don’t like it. This deeply hurt his feelings and I don’t immediately apologize.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole because I compared my boyfriends actions in a game to bullying when, in his opinion, it isn’t that serious and what I said is really horrible.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA for your reaction to this puzzle, OP. I think the lesson here is that your BF had good reason for hiding his “real” sense of humour from you until he thought you were well and truly settled: it’s atrocious.
This is bullying. It’s not like it. It is a prime example. Your BF set you up to performatively amuse him with your own failures and claimed it was all in good fun. Even when you expressed discomfort with it, the issue was yours and not his, and you just “aren’t fun” and “can’t take a joke”.
No joke, OP. It sounds like your BF is stuck in video game chat mindset all the time, and I don’t love that for you. I think you should take a little time to reflect on how you feel about that for you.
You did make one mistake here, OP. It was fishing that gift out of the trash. It was a trash gift from someone who considers making you feel bad his right and privilege because you’re his GF.
NTA. I don’t know why you’d fish that garbage out of the trash, either. He is being a bully – what is the point of this puzzle other than to mock you and make you feel small? He also sounds far too preoccupied with this game in general.
> I watch him talk shit and bully people on this game all the time who are bad players
You’re dating a bully. It was only a matter of time until he included you in his bullying.
YTA for fishing that puzzle out of the bin. Whatever for?
NTA. He got you a puzzle, which you don’t particularly like. Then the puzzle made fun of you. He said it’s a joke, and you said you didn’t think it was funny. Then he doubles down saying you SHOULD think it’s funny. News flash. You’re right, it’s not funny, and the gift is all about him. Your bf sounds like a tool.
NTA – but you should be glad he felt more comfortable to be able to “reveal himself!” Now RUN away for this loser.
Nta that is a very odd gift for him to give you. So much effort put into bringing you down when he could’ve chosen photos of you two together which would’ve been a great gift. If his whole sense of humor is based on putting others down then he is a major ah
NTA
If he is proud of showing his real self to you, then be grateful that you know it and can leave this bully. He is immature and thrives on belittling others to make himself feel superior. Since you are “hot” he tolerates you but as a prop in his life not a person with feelings. His ability to call it a joke and then being asked to explain it and saying I guess you don’t get it shows 1) he does not respect your intelligence 2) he is unable to articulate rational thought, 3) his humor is cruel and if he has to explain it, he has to accept he is just that. Move on.
>He has said in the past it is okay I’m bad at the game because I’m hot.
Don’t you want a partner who is a better person than this?
Honestly I’m unsure why you’re even fighting for this relationship or why you’re even here. He’s a huge AH. I have more words for him but we’ll keep it in the nomenclature of this sub. He is trying to guilt you into accepting awful behavior on his part, and saying that you are a bad partner if you don’t. He’s also totally unwilling to see his own faults or to accept any responsibility for even inadvertently being insensitive on aV-Day. You didn’t ‘deeply hurt his feelings’. You failed to support the shitty way he wants to act towards you and towards other people, and he’s using his ‘hurt feelings’ to make you feel like that’s not an ok stance for you to have
He has shown you who he is. What you do with that information is your decision.
Oh wow. I am really sorry you need this spelled out.
NTA
Your bf, however, is a massive one, and a bully with a bit of misogyny thrown in.
He seems to be the embodiment of everything that is wrong with the League these days. Bullying, baiting, putting down. Now it is aimed at you. Probably has been for a while, Reading the way you put yourself down.
You deserve so much more. Someone who adores you, who makes fun of little things you do that you laugh about together.
Funny that you started out right in questioning him, but then you caved along the way. It’s not funny, it’s not even thoughtless. It’s mean and cruel and meant to put you down. Do you earn more than him? Have better education? A “better” family? Or anything else he’s jealous of? That would explain his need to belittle you. It makes him an AH.
You don’t need to put up with this kind of behaviour. Not from family, partners or friends. People who have your best interest at heart don’t act like this.
Your BF is a bully. NTA
Annnnnnd why are you with him?
NTA, your bf has a bullying ‘sense of humour’.
Just ask him to step in your shoes for a moment, and use an example of something he might not be ‘great’ at…let’s say he’s a terrible cook. And he can make fun of himself about it sometimes. So you make a collage of every item he’s ever burned and has you do a scavenger hunt around the house for each picture, while you laugh at him finding each and every one.
If he is being perfectly honest…ON VALENTINE’S DAY…that’s not the ‘joke’ you want.
It’s making fun of someone. The person you ‘love’ or close to it.
Has he ever been explained the concept of laugh-with versus laugh-at?
You’ve even explained your feelings and he is completely voiding them. You are seeing who he is…make your decision wisely.
NTA but you are dating a bully. Good on you for realising this and hopefully take the appropriate action.
NTA. He’s a bully. “Joke” gifts are OK, if you ALSO give the person a REAL gift too. And also if the joke isn’t making fun of them – especially if the person is supposed to be your romantic partner.
The worst part, though, is that when you told him how this makes you feel, he doubled down and tried to convince you that you’re the crazy one, instead of taking it to heart and apologizing.
He sucks. He’s inconsiderate, childish, and cruel.
You say he’s 28 but I’m inclined to believe he’s 3 12 year olds hidden in a trench coat, trying to impersonate an adult. I know a lot of gamers, I’m married to one. I’ve never heard any of them bully people during games. He has a humiliation kink. He loves to watch people squirm and hear people’s agony. I wouldn’t recommend staying with an adolescent child whose hobby is bullying people on video games.
You’re with a man who calls people retarded over video games. Unfortunately, this says a lot about you as well as him.
You seem to deserve each other. You say it’s wrong, but you continue to stay in a relationship. Again, to be clear, with a man who calls people retarded. You have gone out of your way to accept this behavior.
NTA
What does he do apart from humiliate you occasionally call you hot? That, in my opinion, is not enough for a relationship. Leaving all that aside, my bat warning would have been going off the second he invested in a present that only he would enjoy. Not good. Made worse by the contents of the gift and his reaction to you saying it wasn’t funny.
I am not sure what you are supposed to be apologising to him for: “I’m so sorry I didn’t realise that my role was to be your hot punchbag”?
NTA and this would absolutely destroy me emotionally. I am glad you are handling it so well.
NTA for your reaction, but if you stay, you will be one to yourself. You deserve better. You’re still young, don’t stay with someone who makes you feel this way.
NTA
Burn the puzzle, dump the AH.
NTA, the whole thing is one giant dick move. Your boyfriend is very obviously a bully. Throw the puzzle away and then throw your boyfriend away.
NTA
You need to get out of this relationship immediately. These aren’t just red flags; these are freaking air raid sirens. Get out now, before it’s too late.
Absolutely NTA. You don’t like the “real” him? Neither do I. His gift was cruel, not thoughtful.
This is classic DARVO: “DARVO is an acronym that stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. It describes a manipulative tactic often used by abusers to avoid taking responsibility for their actions and shift the blame onto their victims,” explains Avigail Lev, PsyD, founder of Bay Area CBT Center and CBTonline.” https://www.verywellmind.com/protecting-yourself-from-darvo-abusive-behavior-7562730