My dad is getting married in a couple of months. He’s been with his fiancée for the past 8 years and they have three kids together and dad has me (16f) and my brother (15m) from his marriage to our mom who died 9 years ago.
Quick background: Mom had a heart attack in her sleep and died, she was young (32). Dad started dating 6 months later and met his fiancée around 13 months after mom died. We had met some of his other dates in between. She moved in with us three months later because he got her pregnant and they stayed together and had two more kids since. They got engaged in January and decided to have a fast wedding.
To be honest I only ever tolerated my dad’s fiancée. I don’t love her, consider her my stepmom or really care if she’s around or not. And my relationship with dad is shit. My brother’s is the same. We feel like dad moved on from mom really fast and expected us to get over our feelings alone. Not to mention he acted like we would be excited to have some woman and baby around. When we didn’t ever get excited about any of our half siblings he became withdrawn more and pushed us to his fiancée more to try and force shit.
He also alienated friends and mom’s side of the family years ago.
It was decided without me or my brother that we would be a bridesmaid and male bridesmaid (idek what you’d call it). We both said no. Dad was like why and I said if I was on his side maybe but I’m not standing with his fiancée. She was hurt and she said she thought we loved her and were excited for her to officially be our mom. I told her that wouldn’t even be true because she’s not adopting us. She said she would if we were open to it and I said no. I told her she’s not my mom and I don’t even consider her family. I asked her why I’d replace my mom with her. And she said because mom’s dead and can’t be our mom anymore.
My dad told me I don’t get a say and I told him he can’t make me stand there during the wedding and it will look worse if he has to. He’s saying I should do it for him and I told him I tolerate all this for him but I won’t go that far. My brother told them he felt the same.
Now they’re saying I’m ruining the wedding and behaving like a little brat who wants her own way the whole time.
AITA?
Comments
NTA. Girl you lost your mom and never got time to grieve properly before your dad was already bringing new women around. Now they’re mad cuz you won’t play happy family for a wedding? That’s wild. You’re allowed to have boundaries. You’re not a brat you’re hurt, and no one seems to care
NTA. Your dad had years to nurture a real bond between you and his fiancée. Instead, he forced it and is now shocked you’re not thrilled to be her bridesmaid? This is the consequence of his choices, not yours. And grief is not something that you could put a deadline at.
NTA – your dad is very selfish. Couldn’t even wait a year before banging his way to a new family.
NTA. Honey, you just lost your Mom. That’s an incredibly hard loss, and your Dad is being unreasonable and insensitive. The fact that your soon to be step mom is expecting you to love her already is a red flag too. She should also be understanding about your feelings. Adoption, at your age, is a crazy ask as well. You and a mom most of your young life!!! You have strong memories of her. Standing in a wedding you don’t want to be in is wild. Do what you feel is right for you 🤍
Ask to see a therapist or a counselor if you can. Speak to your mom’s family / friends and try to grieve as best as you can.
Uhhhhh yeah, it would be one thing if you were in the groom’s party (and not being manipulated into it), but in her bridal party? That’s insane unless you had a good relationship.
Your dad moving on is something, I hope, you can eventually forgive him for. My family is filled with people who repartnered quickly, and while it is uncomfortable, it is their life. But, you were also children. Perhaps he blindly thought this would be the best thing for you- a “whole family.” Of course, it will never be whole, but it can be healed.
…. But not with someone who is claiming to want to finally “be your mom.” Your dad and stepmom seem like very poor communicators, either selfish or very traditional and foolish. To me, moving on is something some kids don’t seem to want to accept in their parents (as an example, my grandpa just remarried after 16 years widowed and his children threw a fit). But you have every right to be upset and furious about the manner in which this occurred and impacted your childhood.
Yall need to go to family counseling. Your half siblings don’t deserve to be in the middle of this mess either. I feel like your dad probably has a gigantic pile of unresolved feelings and he’s avoiding it like the plague.
Your not AH but the could make you and your brothers life hell as your still at home
NTA
Well this My dad told me I don’t get a say is a big problem. Assuming this is real, Men tend to get serious really quickly with partners after spouses/partners pass away or split up. A lot of it is to take care of them and the children. You and your brother are collateral damage about your father’s decisions since your mother passed away and well within your rights to say no thanks to the wedding stuff.
NTA.
This man didn’t even wait a YEAR before replacing his wife/your mother and he has the audacity to expect you to put on a happy face at his wedding? You are 100% not a brat, you are entitled to have (very reasonable!) boundaries.
Also, speaking as someone who adores her stepmom: nobody can replace your mom and the fact that your stepmom actually said that shows just how clueless she is.
NTA at all. You’re grieving and protecting your boundaries. Your dad didn’t take the time to help you or your brother process your mom’s death he just moved on and expected you to follow. That’s not fair, and nobody can force you to feel something you don’t
NT, but your dad is. How is this women so dense she can’t read the room? She thinks you love her?
You dad is telling her lies and that is now coming to the surface.
When your dad said you don’t bet a say, well that makes you NTA, regardless of anything else.
Just tell your dad if he forces this you will stand up and object during the ceremony. Does he really want that embarrassment at the wedding.
Should anyone present know of any reason that this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace
NTA and would he really want y’all speaking?
Do you have grandparents that would take you both in? Or any of your mom’s family?
nta
i will never understand why some parents replace the that dead one… i dont think they realy loved the others…
NTA
NTA. Stand your ground and start making it clear that you and your brother are not available for childcare duties either.
NTA
She is not your mom.
She is not your stepmom.
She is the woman your dad is fu<king.
You didn;t ask for her to be in your life.
You don;t want her in your life.
MAybe wait until the wedding and when they ask if there is a reason that the two shouldn;t be together, you and your brother can stand up and explain the entire situation, from Dad dating immediately after mom’s death to him knocking up some woman less than a year after Mom;s death to her trying to force her way into his and your lives and so on.
He’s forcing you to be there, make him regret it.
Eh he just needed a wife ASAP
She knew so sort of trapped him with all the kids.
Why can’t they be happy on their own?
They are both AHs.
Man i don’t get people like your Dad…
Ok even if we take out all the crap your Dad did, being ASKED to be a bridesmaid is not a summons…you dont need to if you don’t want to.
NTA Op your Dad sure is though
Well, given your age, you’re supposed to be an asshole. Which you are, but not disproportionally. Your father on the other hand is supposed to guide you through these changes in your lives, and if he can’t because the loss of his wife is hard on him, he should get the whole family some professional help. He’s the adult, he’s responsible.
NTA.
You and your brother shouldn’t even attend. Go hang out with your mom’s family.
Parents don’t stop being your parents because they passed
Your mom will always be your mom; you already know that, but you SM is stupid for not understanding or trying to get her way using that argument. She could use a course in at least empathy and maybe for her own kids sakes in the emotional part of parenting.
You don’t become a mom by starting a relationship with someone with kids, you become a caretaker maybe and then you can build on the relationship, which might develop into a parental role, or not. And even when becoming a second mom, you will never have the same role as the one that’s not there physically.
I am sorry you and your brother had to experience this, specially in such a young age, also being left with a father that didn’t step up as a parent. In a way, you were orphaned. Your father probably has his own traumas and restrictions to deal with why he couldn’t grief together with you and ran from it, but that’s not your responsibility. You were and still are the kids and he is the adult.
Now with this wedding there’s no more running away from it and brings it all in the open. It shows these people’s level (or ability) of empathy and interest in you and your brother, that this comes as a surprise to them.
But even if they were not aware of how your feelings were ignored all these years they can’t make you play a part you don’t want to play. (Even if you were great together and a very loving family, there should never be an obligation to do that).
NTA
NTA. I wouldn’t even go to the wedding if I was you and if they force you, stand up and object, loudly, during the ceremony
NTA I wouldn’t even be attending if I were you.
6 months? MONTHS? He was already seeing her behind your mom’s back. No way in helllllll was he not cheating. They played happy family with NO regard to your grieving. Alienated you from FAMILY etc? Throw him in a state ran home asap and never look back
NTA
If you don’t want to be part of your father’s wedding then you shouldn’t be forced to do it.
However, you’re judging your father for moving on too fast. Grief is not one size fits all. Maybe he was hurting and didn’t want face the situation alone, after all you and your brother could not offer emotional support to an adult. One of your grievances is that you had to go through the mourning by yourself. In the end it is always like that because people move on at their own pace. Your father was never going to be in sync with you. See, you were 8 years old and lost your mother. He was an adult who lost his wife. Your mother/his wife are the same person but the significance is not the same. You expected him to feel bad for months or years longer than he did. You don’t get to control your father’s feelings either. You can mourn your mother forever. Or not. That’s your choice. Your father has a right to be happy.
You and your brother are old enough to make your own decisions and have your own feelings. Tell dad neither of you will be there. If he tries guilting you, just hold up your hand indicating the conversation is over and walk away. And his missus-to-be needs to get it in her head that she – and her spawn – will never be a part of your and your brother’s family. She will be the wife of your father and nothing more.