Repost as original was pulled for asking a vague advice question. I also updated to provide additional info based on some of the initial comments!
Hi everyone — I’d really appreciate some perspective from anyone who’s navigated something similar.
I (35M) live in Baltimore with my fiancée (40F). She’s struggled with severe separation anxiety since childhood — it’s very real for her and can get intense when I’m away overnight.
My family is about 3 hours away in Richmond, VA. Since moving to be with her, I’ve tried to stay connected — but overnight trips are really difficult for her, so I usually do exhausting same-day visits: drive down, spend a few hours, drive back.
Meanwhile, we visit her sister and nephews in New Jersey a few times a year, but when we do, we stay the whole weekend — for example, we just spent the entire July 4th holiday there.
Last month I stayed overnight at my uncle’s for Father’s Day for the first time in two years. Now my uncle’s birthday is coming up and I want to stay overnight again — she got very upset and wants me to cut it short to come back the same night or early the next morning.
When I offered for her to come with me, she refused. When I pointed out we could have come back early from New Jersey if housework was really the issue, she said that’s “different” because we barely see her sister but “always” see my family (realistically, maybe once a month).
I feel really torn. I don’t want to dismiss her anxiety — I know it’s not something she can just “snap out of.” But I also don’t want to feel completely cut off from my family and friends just to keep her calm. I’m starting to feel isolated and resentful, and I don’t want that to grow.
She’s open to couples counseling, which I’m glad about, but she doesn’t want to do individual therapy. Truth be told she thinks I have a FOMO problem vs it being her anxiety. I feel like couples counseling might help us find tools, but I worry that without her getting her own help too, we’ll stay stuck.
My question is:
How do I navigate a healthy balance when one partner’s anxiety means they can’t be apart overnight without conflict? How do I set fair boundaries so both partners’ needs are respected?
TL;DR: My fiancée has severe separation anxiety and can’t handle me staying overnight with family. I feel isolated but don’t want to hurt her. She’s open to couples therapy but not individual therapy. How do we find a healthy middle ground that works for both of us?
Comments
Sorry if this is harsh, but IMO if a 40 year old can’t spend a night alone AND isn’t interested in pursuing the kind of medical care and help that will help her, she’s not relationship material. It’s not “dismissing” anxiety to say “ you’re not well, you need to get help or this doesn’t work for me”.
This doesn’t sound healthy. People need to be responsible for their own health, and she isn’t putting in that work so this can’t improve. You deserve a life and to see your family, and she needs to work in this. I hope she isn’t intentionally trying to isolate you.
Best of luck!
At 40 with this behavior, she needs to seek medical attention with some sort of therapist. This isn’t normal behavior, and you shouldn’t have to feel isolated from your family to make your partner comfortable when the favor isn’t being returned, regardless of the distance.
“I understand you want me home, but it’s also important that I spend quality time with my family without being rushed or driving all over. You’re going to have to be okay without me for a night.”
Her mental health is not your responsibility. If she doesn’t want to get help, that’s on her. Go see your family. Live your life. Let her be anxious. That’s on her.
>Truth be told she thinks I have a FOMO problem
This doesn’t make sense when you invite her to come with you on trips and she says no.
This is more than just your partner’s anxiety, this is also controlling behavior. She is actively trying to prevent you from even doing an overnight stay with your family. Furthermore, she has no interest in trying to work on this major issue, which is lowering your quality of life. Even with her condition, she is being selfish.
Your fiancée needs serious, consistent mental health treatment and to fundamentally change her behavoir.
Her behavoir is unacceptable. It’s crossed the line to being abusive. Her separation anxiety is not a justification for that. If she really cannot change her behavoir, then you cannot marry her.
She needs to know this is wrong. She needs to be accountable, and she needs to be seriously pursuing change. With professional counselling and very likely medical support as well, at this point.
If she cannot do that, she cannot be in a healthy relationship.
Your fiancee absolutely needs individual therapy. Having such severe separation anxiety that you can’t be apart for a night is not healthy and she requires immediate therapy. Couples therapy is also required. She is an adult who should be able to be on her own. What if there’s a family emergency? What if there’s inclement weather? A human being should be able to be without their partner for at least one evening.
That being said, at this point it in combination with other things feels like a manipulation tactic. She has double standards on what the two of you are allowed to do. She refuses compromise even though it’s her personal issues at the root of the problem.
If you were going off on a dangerous journey or had a history of questionable decisionmaking around your family or cheating, she may be more justified. But without that this appears controlling. I personally would not see this as a situation requiring compromise and hopefully a couples therapist will help you both navigate that. It is HEALTHY to want to spend time with friends and family and this idea of FOMO being an issue when all you’re asking is one night is ludicrous. She’s the one risking your health by asking you to drive while exhausted. Remind her of that. Her ultimate goal is likely for you not to go at all, and by making it a battle every time she hopes to wear you down.