Hi!
My MIL seems to have wiggled her way into my life. From my previous post, my husband did have a talk with her about how I am going to activities to make friends and I won’t be sitting with her. I’m not sure if that hurt her feelings but at least now I don’t feel obliged. The last one she did rush out in her usual way and ask if I wanted to get lunch which I also turned down because I wanted to hang back and talk to other people so feeling a little proud standing up to her in that way.
But now it seems she found another way to spend time. She calls my husband when she’s close by asking if she can stop by to either see the pictures we hung on the wall, our new furniture orientation, or even our new table in the house (which she saw when we bought it at the store because she was there). But she hasn’t seen it in the house so she needs to come over? Or when we finished some home projects and she called saying she had to drop something off for my husband, came over looked at it and gave her opinions and left without giving anything. When we asked her she said what are you talking about I had nothing to give I’m sorry I confused you. What!! Then we went out to eat and my husband mentioned working on another project and we left the restaurant only for her to call and say I am actually going to your house to see what you worked on?? Then my husband and I decided to do a trip this year and she heard about it and said she’s always wanted to go and we should go together.
How do I prevent this behavior now and her just thinking she needs to come over because she wants to see every time we do something new in the house. I just want her to give me a break and make me want to meet her instead of her being so bored that she feels the need to be part of everything.
Thank you for any advice!
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You do nothing. Your husband handles this.
A simple “sorry but that doesn’t work for us right now. Well tell you a better time to drop by”. Rinse and repeat.
I would absolutely hate this. Why does she feel the need to give her opinion on everything you do? What if she had a negative opinion, would she then share that as well?
Naturally, she needs to be on an info diet, but hubby needs to be telling her to calm the f down as well. I get it, shes lonely, she might be grasping at any little thing she has to make a connection with you two, but she needs to find a different way. Im not getting the sense she needs to control everything so much as she wants to feel included in a way that is unnatural for a parent to be involved in a adult child’s life.
I dont have any advice other than maybe trying to actually give her one small coffee date/appt time a week or on a regular basis, so when she wants to stop over you can say, no, its not a good time, you can see it Thursday when you come for coffee, but personally Im not sure even that could hold her back.
Your husband needs to start telling his mom no and saying that her opinion on your home wasn’t requested.
He should also say that this is a vacation for the 2 of you and she isn’t invited. Information diet needs to be put into place as well.
If your husband is there he needs to tell her no that you’re not having anyone over right now. If she’s asking you then you need to tell her. Then your husband needs to have another talk with her about her frequency of inviting herself over and that you guys are not her entertainment. From now on she needs to wait to be asked, or she needs to ask not say that she is coming. You’re going to have to be okay with her guilt tripping about it. Boundaries need to be set and enforced. She’s doing it because you’re not telling her no and keep allowing her to come.
Telling her to visit when husband is around is a start. Showing up invited you don’t answer the door send a message your busy and tell her to ask next time she wants to visit.
Anything she wants to give him/ Wants to see house projects are given/seen on already planned visits. See what happens when she shows up with nothing.
Info diet. You stop telling her things because every thing she knows she will try to insert herself into. Especially don’t tell her about plans in advance, like your trip.
Your husband needs to not answer the phone or call her back right away so he’s not talking to her on her every whim, or tell her no. “Now isn’t a good time.”
You keep your doors locked and don’t open them when she shows up uninvited.