To save you time: there’s no “hubster problem,” he’s the freaking best, and we agree she sucks, we just have different ideas of what “dealing with it” looks like. We support each other’s processing and autonomy on how to deal with it
Feel free to read my last posts for more info, but a little over a year ago I went NC with MIL of 20+years after a “last straw” event. It was her being an asshole to my toddler and telling me that she’s going to treat our kids how she wants and “everyone just better get used it to it” the morning after we traveled halfway across the world to visit them. She is a narcissistic victim all the time. As one reddit poster previously said that gives me ongoing comfort, “she is a black void of victimhood and need that you will never be able to fill,” or something beautifully poetic like that. Hubster is LC for light chit-chat, but doesn’t validate any of her BS, just ignores her comments and puts distance. For context, before the “last straw” event last year, I was a stellar DIL. I frequently video chatted them with our kids, sent holiday gifts, responded to all of her attention-seeking texts, and then had a severe 180* going to full NC during the visit and ever since. It wasa severe 180*
Since then, she’s just been innocently “reaching out” with group texts that I have removed myself from, sending holiday gifts I don’t respond to, and texts to hubster fishing about my silence. She freaking knows the exact moment I went NC with her and why. She freaking knows I want nothing to do with her. I even call DIL and sibs-in-law to casually catch up. They all know, everyone knows she sucks and nobody says anything because she’s a narcissist and would victimhood tantrum. And she just pretends like everything is fine with, “please share these photos of the chipmunk in our backyard with family members who aren’t on this group text, Idk why people are getting removed from it…?” When I’m the only one who has left it.
I just saw a text she sent to hubster this week, “so weird, I sent this birthday gift to OP and texted asking if she got it and I haven’t heard from her… Did she get it? I haven’t heard much from her lately…” Wench: I haven’t said a word to you for 13 months and you know why. Stop with your faking.
My struggle is that I SO BADLY want to break NC just to tell her to “please stop sending me things and trying to connect. I don’t want a relationship with you. If you ever want to have an honest conversation to try to move forward, I would be open to having that conversation (she would never), but as things are, I don’t want to have anything to do with you.” It wouldn’t even be for a dig, a fight, or an oxytocin release; I am genuinely uncomfortable with the pretense and I would rather just have it all out in the open. It makes so much sense to me.
Hubster says it’s a lost cause because he has a lifetime of experience trying to speak up to her and everything being turned on him as the bad guy and it’s a fool’s errand. He says to ignore it and put distance.
PLEASE TALK ME OUT OF IT. Or-maybe don’t?
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Other posts from /u/lulualeidy:
No/low contact MIL still living rent-free in my head, 3 months ago
Fuming after NC Just No MIL shared a video of our former foster teen on Facebook without permission, 5 months ago
Anticipating my MIL visit, 5 months ago
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She’s begging for a response from you, don’t give her that pleasure. Remain no contact. My suggestion, write her a letter spelling it all out. Then burn that letter and do not send.
Be the black hole. Your DH can remind her that her behaviour means shes no longer welcome in your or your childrens lives. Block her on everything and tell hubby not to mention her to you going foreward- if you don’t hear about her antics it will remove the temptation to respond.
You, yourself, said she knows exactly why you’re NC. If you break NC for ANY reason, you’ll not only give her what she wants (contact) but you’ll be giving her a way back into your life.
She won’t accept you going back to NC. She will bombard you, your husband AND your children. She will send flying monkeys. She’ll show up at house. She’ll show up at the children’s school. She’ll make everyone’s life hell because she knows you’ll crack sooner or later. You did 1 time.
So. DO NOT CONTACT HER!
You don’t have to eat poop to clarify it’s actually factually poop.
All she wants is for you to bite so she can play victim. Don’t do it you’re just feeding the troll.