Hi everyone,
I (23f) have been with my boyfriend (21m) for a little over 2 years now. When we first got together we had sex CONSTANTLY, but as of a year ago that’s waned and stopped almost entirely.
After talking to him about it for the 4th or 5th time he tells me that sex just isn’t important to him. When we first started dating it’s all we had in common, so he did it a lot. Now he feels fulfilled in our relationship doing other things to show his love and bond.
The problem is that about 6 months ago my sex drive skyrocketed and I’ve been desperate for more intimacy. And sex is extremely important to me to both show love and feel sexually satisfied, masturbation doesn’t do it for me.
This whole thing has me questioning our incredible relationship (emotionality, vulnerability, comfort) and I feel stupid. I just don’t know if I can go forever feeling like this need of mine isn’t met. And he isn’t doing anything wrong by not finding sex important to him.
Am I being stupid to consider throwing away an incredible relationship over sex?
Comments
You’re not selfish. Sex is love’s pulse and without it the bond fades. If he won’t meet this need don’t let your passion die in silence.
I mean, by important, do you mean like he doesn’t want sex at all or just not as often?
He’s not wrong for how he feels, and neither are you. But that means you two might not be compatible anymore, and that’s something to face honestly
Girl, I was in a dead bedroom for the entire duration of my last relationship, and let me tell you, it DESTROYED my confidence. Of course, it depends on how much you value sex. If you both don’t care about it and it’s okay to have it once a month, then fine but by your post I understand that you’re not on the same page and it’s not gonna work unless things change. Sexual compatibility is as important as general compatibility in a relationship, and people who say otherwise are hypocrites.
I’m sorry! Sending hugs
I’m curious to know if any other factors have changed. Has he begun taking antidepressants or had a medication change of some sort?
People have different lust levels. Even if someone who is asexual finds the love of their life in someone who is at the pinnacle of human lust there’s a 99.99% chance that relationship fails because of those sexual differences. That’s the worst case scenario though. In your situation it comes down to are you comfortable spending the rest of your life with him assuming you will constantly be horny? You could try toys when you masterbate or even ask him if he’s comfortable with other guys doing it with you, or even taking pills to lower lust levels. There’s plenty of options but the first thing you should do is be open and honest about wanting to have s
Ok I’m gonna say something that people might not agree with, but if he doesn’t feel a need to have sex and feels fulfilled doing other things to bond with you, that’s a good thing! It means he’s emotionally invested not just sexually/physically invested. Now, if he avoids you or tends to want to be alone and do his own thing that might be a red flag. From what you’ve said in your post it doesn’t seem that way.
Sexual mismatch is definitely something to consider but if you still like him without the sex involved then you have your answer. If you only like him if you’re having consistent sex, maybe you don’t actually like being with him for who he is and it’s time to cut ties.
This is just my opinion and everyone had their own take on what a loving and healthy relationship looks like, but I think you should look a little deeper at who he is and not what he can provide for you sexually. Is he emotionally mature? Can he provide you with comfort and stability? Is he respectful of your boundaries?
Be different if he said that in the beginning of the relationship but you can’t give someone stuff then take it away and expect them to be okay. For me sex is part of my love language. How i show some of my love and affection to my woman. If I took sex away from her, she would be destroyed and lots of hurt feelings. After the 2nd talk, that should of been your sign that we’ve grown apart and our wants ain’t matching up
Lack of sex in a relationship when one has a high sex drive leads to nasty fights, resentment or worse, cheating. It will take a toll on you mentally and start to wear down your self esteem, posting about it is the first indicator that its about to go south and fast.
Id try to have a conversation about it and find out if he genuinely is uninterested, having a medical issue or if hes depressed, if its not something fixable, walk away now and find someone who can satisfy you in all aspects of life
If sex is important to you… get a new boyfriend
Move on
You all aren’t sexually compatible and this will cause huge issues. You are not stupid.
Theirs a genuinely decent chance his testosterone levels have dropped, it’s pretty normal but it can be naturally helped.
Break up with him because your hormones will make you anyways.
To me it’s very important and I wouldn’t be with somebody who isn’t into me that way. You’re too young to waste your time honesty move on.
I’ve been in this relationship and we only broke up a month ago, he will never be more comfortable with it, you have to make the decision if this works for you to have little to no sex or find someone who is more compatible. In the end, he just said to me he even feels uncomfortable with a hug, let alone sex… it hurt more than anything else
I have the same problem but we just have to find hobbies and things to keep us busy. Read spicy books tickle the man in the boat. Do what you need to. And tell him how you feel. Tell him that your sex drive is skyrocketed and tell him that right now is the best time for y’all to have extra fun and it doesn’t even have to be sex just other fun. Get you some of those underwear that vibrate and let him play with the button like there’s so many things. I’m about to get the underwear with the vibrating button honestly but spicy books. Oh my gosh, there’s so many so many and they don’t have to be extreme spicy like haunting Adeline. That was extremely spicy. But if you like that I’ve got more to recommend
What’s happening? Why men are losing their sex drive? This is becoming a very common issue
Respect his feelings. Proceed cautiously if you want and be kind to each of you.
I would say your boyfriend needs to go to a doctor and have bloodwork, at the very least. He needs to tell his doctor what’s going on (because it’s not at all normal).
Perhaps he has hormone issues or something else (diet)?
Either he has a physical problem or perhaps he is getting sex elsewhere… something to think about.
I think im seeing this differently than most if u had constant sex at beginning of relationship and was important to u both and he just stopped wanting it dont sound right to me. Personally if it was me id be looking to see if hes cheating or getting it from somewhere else sitting down with him and just asking if hes not satisfied or if something was turning him off. Id be trying to get to the bottom of that. He can also go to the doctor and get pills if none of the above. But you need a serious conversation about what the issue is now. Like a come clean no judgment no getting upset on your end just getting to bottom of it. But its totally OK to be on different sex drives just gotta work through it or move on
T.H.E.R.A.P.Y.
At his age this is not normal. He needs to see a doctor, number one, and whether or not there is something physically wrong with him, you should get your butts into couples’ therapy. Maybe a relationship/sex therapist? Find out why this change.
Your boyfriend needs a comprehensive physical examination including routine blood tests and test specifically for testosterone, estrogen, and thyroid hormones. He’s not acting like a healthy young man and chances are the exam will reveal that his hormones are out of balance. This is not unusual in young men today. The good news is that if there is an issue, it is relatively easy to fix. You will see a complete change in him.
If sex isn’t important, he’s probably into porn. You may have to get freaky