Today’s post is more of a rant…😅 and I’ve got plenty other complaints, since she knew about the pregnancy really (made another post about that before my baby was born) — but right now what’s really wearing me down is that my JustNoMIL seems to be on a mission against me breastfeeding.
My baby is almost 2 months old, and since day one she’s been questioning whether I have “enough milk”… actually, a few weeks before the baby was born, she gave me two thermos bottles, one for hot boiled water and one for cold, saying: “When they’re hungry, they don’t wait for you to heat the water.” And this was knowing full well that I was planning to exclusively breastfeed, if I was able to.
At the maternity ward, she kept asking if the nurses had already given him formula. (They didn’t — also because I had a very severe allergic reaction to cow’s milk protein as a baby, so if my son were to need formula, it would have to be a special hydrolyzed one.)
I had an elective C-section, and in those first few days, my milk supply was still coming in, so the baby started showing signs of dehydration (crystals in his urine), and for the first two nights at home me and my husband decides to gave him one bottle of formula at night. After that, he never needed it again! (And just to note — I already had Aptamil Sineo home, an hydrolyzed fórmula, just in case.) My husband made the mistake of mentioning those two bottles, and ever since then, at every visit, she kept saying, “Oh, I’d love to see him having a bottle!” I explained that it was only those two times, because it was genuinely necessary, and that since then I’ve had enough milk — so there’s no point in giving bottles if there’s no real need for it.
Now it’s just one negative comment after another. Yesterday we were all together — my in-laws, my parents, and some uncles and aunts. She came in swinging the moment we arrived… it was lunchtime and I mentioned there was no point in making beef for me (there was already plenty of other food), and she immediately snapped at me, “You’re breastfeeding and not eating properly?”
Everyone kept saying how big and chubby my baby looked, with those cute little cheeks… and she goes, “Oh, he hasn’t gained that much, has he? What was it, 1.5kg in two months?” (It was actually 2.2kg in just a month and a half.)
If the baby cries, she says it’s because he’s hungry. We explain that it’s colic, and she says feeding would calm him down. We tell her that yes, nursing can soothe him, but then he gets too full, spits up, and ends up feeling worse…
She talks to the baby saying things about us parents, like: “They’re mean, they won’t feed you,” and “They’re trying to trick you — you better wise up!”
She picked him up right when it was time to nurse, saying, “Give him to me so you can eat.” He then started crying, and she goes, “They don’t care about you, now they’re all eating…”
I got up immediately, went to wash my hands to pick him up and nurse, and she walked off with him, supposedly to “show him the flowers”… until the baby’s father said, “Come on, give him back so he can feed.”
He started nursing, and you could hear those sweet little suckling sounds, so eager and happy. Everyone at the table was like, “Aww, how cute, look how well he nurses!”
And she snaps back: “Poor thing, it’s harder than a full day of work — it tires him out!”
After he finished, all “milk drunk,” floppy and smiley, milk dribbling from his mouth… she said “He’s not full — he only looks like that because he nurses too fast out of hunger, and the milk doesn’t have time to come down!”
Honestly, it’s almost laughable when I’m not so angry — but it turns family gatherings into a total nightmare.
I don’t get it. I’m doing the very best I can for my son, but if someone only listened to what she says, they’d think I’m being lazy, not feeding him properly, not doing enough for him…
I’m seriously thinking about sending her some infographics about the benefits of breastfeeding and breast milk… but the baby’s dad thinks it won’t help at all — she’d probably find a way to say even the WHO doesn’t know what it’s talking about 😅🥲
Comments
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP’s needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don’t be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
^(Full Rules) ^(|) ^(Acronym Index) ^(|) ^(Flair Guide)^(|) ^(Report PM Trolls)
Resources: ^(In Crisis?) ^(|) ^(Tips for Protecting Yourself) ^(|) ^(Our Book List) ^(|) ^(Our Wiki)
Other posts from /u/Technical_Aerie_6945:
^(To be notified as soon as Technical_Aerie_6945 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe Technical_Aerie6945 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot)
^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please) ^(contact the moderators of this subreddit) ^(if you have any questions or concerns.)
Do not send her any info. Sending her info only implies that she needs info because her opinion matters. That she is a part of the decision. Her opinion does not matter. She is not a part of the decision making process. Do not send info.
Never JADE, (justify, argue, defend or explain.).
Shut her down each and every single time she makes an inappropriate comment. If she is allowed to make them she will continue to make them. So shut her down.
Is she asks a question already answered, say., “asked and answered,” “we already discussed this, are you having memory problems?”
If she is snarky and passive aggressive ask her point blank what she means. Ask her what she is implying or trying to say.
Another way is to make visits less frequent. If and when she asks why, tell her honestly. We prefer to spend time with people who are pleasant.
Turn to someone else at a family gathering who has children and ask them:
“was she like this when you had a baby, you know with all the “advice” and the passive aggressive comments about how I choose to feed my own child. Was she constantly commenting out her anxious thoughts in front of others like she keeps doing with me, or is it just me?”
What about you Janet when you had yours? Did she start harping on about bottles as soon as your kid was born? No? Just me then. I mean, the elderly sometimes get a bit anxious about things that have got nothing to do with them, you know, spewing their outdated ideas and nonsense as if it’s actually going to make any difference. Thing is, I couldn’t give 2 fu*ks about what’s she wants, my baby is happy and I’m a good mother so she’s just wasting breath at this point”
You have to do it to an audience though after she’s made one of her word-vomit comments. She doing it because you’re letting her get away with it and people like that hate having a light shone on their passive-aggression.
I reckon the only reason she wants the baby bottle fed is because she wants to hog the baby and do the feeding herself.
Don’t waste your time trying to educate her (she knows!). The ONLY reason she pushes for formula & bottles is so she can take over feeding time and “bond” with her precious Grandbaaaaaby. But you should not accept her stupid comments either. Send her back into her lane each and every she opens her mouth about this subject.
– No need for formula, he’s got mama!
– He grows well, puts weight on, doctor’s happy, there is nothing wrong with him – can stop with comments now?
– We all know you want to push formula so you can hog feeding time. Seriously, can you stop now?
– Again with the feeding comments? It’s starting to get annoying and, to be honest, embarrassing for you…
– One more comment about feeding and the visit is over, and you will be on time out for the next x weeks. Each new comments adds 2 weeks. Wanna try me? Right, so cut the BS now.
Let your partner know one of the things that dries up milk supply is stress, something she is providing in spades. Also post partum depression and post partum hypertension are linked to stress. He needs to let her know she might need to ease of her visits until she can calm down because she’s stressing you.
Dont send her anything, she doesnt care. She doesnt want you to nurse bc shes trying to stake out her territory. She cant have a do over baby if she has to hand him back so mom can nurse. She wants you to bottle feed so she doesnt have to give him back.
Have your partner tell her that if she continues with the nasty comments, you just won’t invite her to family gatherings. And then he needs to actually kick her out the next time she makes a comment.
And your parents … don’t pipe up and say anything to those comments?
In my experience, mothers and mothers-in-law who discourage breastfeeding often do so because they want a chance to feed baby and bond with baby.
I had difficulty breastfeeding my LOs and switched to formula by 6 months, but even then, only DH and I fed them. Giving baby formula (or a bottle of pumped milk) isn’t a free for all for others to feed. Maybe tell MIL, “even if I switched to formula, no one would be feeding baby but me.” It may squash her comments if you kill all hope that she could step in.
I am current breastfeeding and I felt my blood pressure rise reading this. I never understood the pressure of being the sole provider for your baby’s nutrition and that paired with the anxiety of being a new mom would send me over the edge: I don’t know how you are around her without going off.
“Aw MIL, what a ridiculous thing to say! You are SO funny! Fancy believing/saying/insinuating something like that!”
Your partner needs to start shutting her down hard. She does it because she gets away with it, because nobody has given her consequences for doing it. She insults you to your face and you still hand over the baby so she can play grandma, and then she insults you to your baby. The next time she does it, you tell her that she’s no longer allowed to hold the baby for that visit. It doesn’t matter if it embarrasses her in front of her relatives (that might actually help the lesson to stick), the consequences must be immediate. If she says something at the end of the visit, then she doesn’t get another private visit, and she doesn’t get to hold the baby at the next family gathering. She can be trained out of her behavior, but it’ll take consequences, not charts and graphs.
I would refuse to be around her if she can’t keep her mouth shut.
See her less. Stress can affect your supply. Info diet her too. ‘Baby is good 👍’ rinse and repeat.
She only cares about herself because giving formula will remove you from the equation which means she can freely feed or keep the baby and play mommy dearest. She doesn’t care that breastfeeding is good for your baby, she only cares about herself.
I’m sorry but why is this being allowed?! You and your husband need to put your foot down and tell her to shut up with her comments. This is insane that you guys are allowing her to be so disrespectful. She has made herself clear how she feels. Now it’s time for her to cut it out. She thinks her opinion matters as much as you and your husband’s as the parents of the child. That is a problem because it will not end with breastfeeding. When he tries solid foods she’s going to be a jerk to you about that.
I know it’s not easy, but I’m afraid for you that if you don’t stop her comments you’re going to look back a year or two from now and think about how much she ruined your post partum time with her disrespect. Every parent either breastfeeds or formula feeds based on what is best for them and their family and then you can’t even tell which kids were breastfeed or formula fed. As long as you and your child are healthy that is all that matters.
Also for the record I breastfed by exclusively pumping until my daughter was 13-14 months and when I was at my peak with producing milk I ate everything in sight. If she didn’t breastfeed she can’t lecture you about eating correctly.
Don’t bother. She wants you to stop breastfeeding so she can feed him bottles of formula and pretend to be his mommy. Just keep doing what you’re doing and ignore the old bat.
I’m confused. Why is she being allowed to stress you like this? Question your choices? Walk away with the baby? No ma’am. Tell her what’s up and that she can fuck off if she doesn’t like it.