Look, I’m not trying to be controlling. I’m really not. But I feel like I’m losing my mind in my own house. bWe moved into this apartment about seven months ago. It’s small like, two rooms and a kitchen kind of small. Not much space, but it’s ours. We both work, but I work longer hours. I come home late, sometimes dead tired, sometimes just needing peace and quiet. Except I never get that. Almost every week, sometimes twice a week, my wife brings someone over. Her coworker. Her gym friend. Some girl she just met at the cafe. And she never tells me. Not a heads up. Not a “hey babe, is it okay if I have someone over?” Nothing. I walk through the door, and there’s a stranger sitting on the couch like it’s normal. And I get it she’s social, she likes company. That’s fine. But… I live here too. I tried to let it go the first few times. I thought maybe she just forgot. But when I finally brought it up calmly, I swear I said, “Can you just tell me next time before you bring someone over?” you’d think I insulted her entire family. She got all defensive. Said I was being “controlling,” “paranoid,” and that I “didn’t trust her.” What? I don’t care who she brings. I care that I’m not being considered. The worst part? Last Thursday, I had a rough day. Like, “wanted to cry in the shower” kind of rough. I didn’t say anything, just wanted to lay on the bed, decompress, maybe eat something and pass out.
I open the door and there’s two of her friends doing face masks in the living room. Music on. Snacks everywhere. Laughing like they owned the place. I walked straight back out and sat in my car for an hour. When I told her later that it hurt me, that I felt like a guest in my own home… she said I was being “dramatic.” That she “shouldn’t have to ask permission” in her own space. So now I’m the bad guy? I feel like I can’t say anything without being labeled as controlling or cold. But I’m exhausted. I just want to feel like my home is also mine. Is that too much? I don’t even know anymore. Maybe I am overreacting. But… AITAH?
Comments
NTA. Wife has shown you how little she respects you.
NTA. It’s not about control, it’s about mutual respect and communication. Your home should also be your sanctuary.
NTA.
You’re not even asking her to stop, you just want to be informed beforehand. It’s your home too, so you absolutely have a say on who gets to visit.
This is your wife? She does not respect you at all! NTA. Dramatic, controlling. That is gaslighting and terribly inconsiderate. Asking her to let you know is the least she can do.
Wait she brings random people she just met into the home? She has no respect for you. Your home should be the one place where you get peace.
NTA. It’s common courtesy to tell the other partner if company is coming over. Your wife is being disrespectful and dismissive. Marriage is about compromise. She doesn’t seem willing to compromise.
NTA, but have you explained to her WHY you’d appreciate the heads up? Does she know that you were ready to cry in the shower that day? That you need to mentally prep for someone to be over, and that you need alone time to decompress?
If you don’t tell her why you’re asking, she has to be a mind reader and guess the reason, and it sounds like she guessed the wrong one. As of right now, it sounds less like a respect problem and more like a communication problem to me.
But also I had a similar problem with my husband when we first moved in together. He felt like I was telling him he needed to ask permission to do things in his own house, and it took a bit of gentle explaining for him to understand that it wasn’t about permission, it was about seeing how it was affecting me. And he needed all of the info in order to understand.
NTA-but she needs to realize that she isn’t living in just her space anymore. You have moved in together and now it is shared space. She needs to be considerate of the person she lives with. You have a right to enjoy the space that you pay for just as much as she does.
It isn’t controlling to expect a heads up if someone is going to be in your home that doesn’t live there.
This has more to do with the fact that your wife doesn’t respect you or your wellbeing. Tell your wife to go over to these people‘s homes. I mean, have you sat down and asked your wife why she wants to bring people into your home all the time? Because if her response to you was that intense about calling you controlling that is some next level projection going on and something else is going on with her.
NTA
When is your lease up?
NTA. Your home is your sanctuary. It’s not about control, it’s about respect. She certainly has the rights to invite friends, but it’s only fair to give a heads-up first.
NTA if it were once in a blue moon that would be one thing (and still she should give you a heads up) but that often is disrespecting your right to have your own space and feel at peace in your own home! I just had to put up with a house guest for 2 nights (friend of my partners going through a rough time, lost his mum last year and no other family) my partner rang me to let me know in advance apologised to me repeatedly and then when his friend overstayed his welcome my partner told him he had to leave(he spent all the time sleeping on the couch or eating all our food, he literally ate the entire pot of soup I made for family dinner and still didn’t take the hint when I was rage cleaning around him this morning) . That was a once off but I’m someone who needs peace to unwind when I finish work and just want a quiet space to decompress, this is what home should be and it doesn’t sound like your wife is caring towards your needs
If only there was a warning system for unexpected guests like an air raid siren or something! At this rate, you might as well set up a guestbook at the door for all her friends.
She demands rights to do what makes her comfortable (have guests when she wants how she wants) while demanding you give up your comfort zone ( have a quiet home to go to when you need peace). As an introvert I know how important having a quiet place to come home and recharge is. Going home to a revolving door of strangers? It’s exhausting. Having you walk in, turn around and leave and sit in your car for an hour while she doesn’t bother to check that you’re ok?
She sounds absolutely inconsiderate and self absorbed. She could switch off the places and go to her friends sometimes instead of always doing it where it is an inconvenience to you.
She could have a self imposed curfew where they leave by a certain time ( or go out) so you can have quiet after a long day.
But her stomping all over your comfort zone while calling you controlling over asking for her to recognize you have a right to a comfort zone too?
OP, no offense? But if you want a peaceful existence in a safe place? She does not sound like the partner who is going to bring you this. You can’t make her change apparently.
You can either change you? Or change to a differently wired partner.
NTA
Good luck.
Since she is not volunteering that info you could text your wife when you are leaving work and ask if she has guests. Let her know where your head is at and if you need down time now.
NTA. This is the complete opposite of my wife who tells me if she’s working from home before I get off work. She sounds very inconsiderate and lacks respect.
You both live there. It’s only normal that she asks you.
NTA. But I highly suggest counselling. Speaking to her yourself hasn’t worked. I get it dude, my job can be exhausting, every day I get home and lie on my bed for half an hour to decompress before I can talk to my family. She really might not get it. Of course she has the right to socialise but you have the right to rest. Maybe she can go to her friends instead of them always being at yours? I think an outside person might help you both.
My first thought was, does your mother live Nearby?
2nd how comfortable are you walking around in your underwear?
you’re not compatible.
NTA. If you’ve conveyed to her why it’s a problem for you–that you feel inconsidered and like you can’t come home after a long day and relax in your own home–and she repeatedly disregards that, then that is a red flag.
Now, to be fair, it is her space too, and she should be allowed to have folks over within reason, ofc. So it’s either come to an agreement about what that looks like for the both of you, or what it looks like if you can’t agree. But the fact that she doesn’t seem to consider your needs already doesn’t look too good on her.
NTA.
She needs to realise that ‘her’ space is YOUR (PLURAL) space. It’s unfair of her to kick off over you just wanting to be informed if you’re coming home to guests, I’d certainly want to know and I know my partner would too ..so we communicate like grown ups. It’s a shame you’re only finding this selfish trait now, I know that feeling secure in your living space is a huge deal and a deal breaker for many if a partner can’t respect that. Hopefully she’ll think on it and realise it’s not too hard to give you a heads up, communication doesn’t have to be this hard.
ESH
Requiring permission to have a friend over is controlling.
You say this is only once or twice per week, so it’s not that often, especially for someone outgoing.
She’s being disrespectful of your feelings about having company when you need time to decompress.
Would a text notification that she has someone over work? It’s not controlling (no permission) while still being reasonable and providing prior notice.
Have an adult conversation about your feelings (not at the heat of the moment) and see what options could work for you both. I’ve seen tons of respectful long-running marriages where one spouse is gregarious and the other would rather have a quiet night. Conversation, understanding, compromise, and consensus make it work.
She can go over their house to chill
NTA – its common decency to just make sure both people are on the same page about who and when people are coming over.
Show her this thread.
NTA. A heads up is courteous and is necessary when you are living together.
She shouldn’t have to ask permission to have people over, but it isn’t unreasonable to ask that you know if people are there before you get home. She should shoot you a text message or something.
You have a right to have some peace and quiet in your own space as well, so NTA. I think just about anyone wants to know what they’re walking into when they get home. It’s certainly not controlling.
What’s troubling is that your wife keeps ignoring your feelings. She has no idea that you had a really lousy day, and maybe you wouldn’t mind someone to talk to and maybe get a little sympathy from, but she’s too busy to find out. You deserve better.
NTA. This is basic courtesy. This is not normal behavior. It has nothing to do with men/women, or you wanting to control her or anything of the sort. It’s just basic human decency when you live with someone else, and it’s even more expected when the person you’re living with is your actual partner, who you’re supposed to love and respect.
You aren’t telling her that she can’t have people over – just that you would like some warning, at the very least, and perhaps a little conversation and consideration if it’s something beyond a quick drop-in.
This may just be a sign that you’re not really compatible. You have very different priorities and values.
NTA but have you actually said the reasons why you’re asking for a heads up to your wife? You say things like I brushed it off, or I just wanted to do X, but it doesn’t seem like you’ve actually communicated to her that you’d like some peace and quiet and don’t feel like you can get that when she has guests over.
Also you said you “never get it” but then say she’s does this 2x a week….there are 5 other days in the week. I’m not saying that she is justified but it sounds like you’re not fully communicating your needs and then expecting her to know why you’re asking for something. Without knowing the why, I could see how this could come off as controlling, because she also lives in the apartment so technically she doesn’t need to ask permission, but I agree a heads up is bare minimum.
Again, once you fully communicate the why to her , if she contributes to disregard your needs, then I would say she’s not respecting you. But if all you’re doing is saying “can you just tell me when someone’s coming over” it sounds like you’re trying to dictate who’s in the house when (like a parent) just because you want it that way, instead of the reason being you need some peace and quiet.
NTA but you should have phrased it “can you give me a heads up that someone is in the house? I need time to decompress after work and having guests for me is very tiring” I’m an introvert and my social battery is always on blinking red”
Your wife doesn’t respect you. I’m sorry. NTA.
Did the Drama Llama follow you to your car as well? You come home, see guests, eat and go to bed. It isn’t that hard. They aren’t in your room, you can still lay on the bed and decompress as well.
Let’s say she calls and tells you she is bringing someone back. Then you say no. Each time you have a bad day, you say no (and it sounds like you have a LOT of bad days). That is called controlling and selfish, because it is her place, too.
Maybe learn to deal with your emotions and leave work at work. So yes, YTA.
Nta
Accusations are confessions
NTA. You’re not telling her to ask your permission, but to give you a heads up. this is basic courtesy.
if i came home after a long day to my husband and his buddies on the couch being loud without warning, I’d straight up explain to them that i didn’t know they were coming and that if they want to keep hanging out they should go somewhere else. Not to be a bitch, but if i dont get the courtesy of a heads up, then they don’t get the courtesy of courtesy. It’s simple.
Im sorry your wife lacks basic respect and consideration. thats got to be hard to deal with day after day.
Your wife is a major AH. She’s not even willing to do the bare minimum like giving you a heads up. Not giving you the choice to go elsewhere until her guests leave. This makes me really angry. She’s so rude and inconsiderate.
I don’t feel like either person in a relationship should have to get permission ahead of time to have a guest, but at the very least, they should let you know that they’re having someone over.
Personally, I don’t feel that she should have to ask permission to have someone over but a heads up out of courtesy is a good start. The other options to manage this is) let her know if you have had a bad day and that a house of people is not going to work for you that evening, people aren’t mind readers 2) If she is lonely, she can spend that time outside of the home, she doesn’t need to stay indoor and wait for your return every night, she can go out and catch up, mingle outside if the home
HER space? What about you? Who pays the bills? And she let’s random women come over that she hardly knows? When one starts showing up unannounced when she isn’t there, she can’t be mad, she showed them that she doesn’t respect you like that, you’re up for grabs for a woman who can respect you. I know way too many woman whose marriages ended like that. A man’s home should be his sanctuary, not his wife’s hang out spot with randoms. Now if you had a bigger place and she could be in an area that wouldn’t disturb you, fine, maybe. But it’s still shouldn’t be an all the time thing.
Nta, but her instant to assuming you bringing up wanting a quiet home to her claiming she is cheating??? Op either she is just throwing excuses or something is going on. But outright she doesn’t respect you, I had that in one of my relationships. I gave her every bit of myself for years but I was never enough. Every little thing became a massive issue especially if something was slightly late or wrong the day is ruined. I didn’t like her friends maybe 10% were okay in my book. But the rest where jealous bitter women who spread bs into our relationship. The ‘guy’ friends obviously all wanted to do her, I trusted her since we discussed all of our boundaries and what we expect and would accept and not accept. So she knew that I did not trust them, looking back at everything and going through things in head I see why my mental state is still destroyed. I’ll more than likely never date or get married again but I won’t tell people not too seek love. Right now it’s mainly I’m missing physical intimacy but I don’t want a fling or deal with another person again. I’m not in the right head space, I don’t want too deal with a relationship. Honestly I realize I should’ve stayed single those years ago. Sorry OP for my random trauma dump I’ll see myself out.
Sharing space means being considerate of everyone. My kids tell me when friends are coming over. I tell my kids and husbands when people are coming over. It’s courtesy. Explaining the why’s so she can understand and empathize is important. I’d be clear how it impacts you, the anxiety it causes, and then try to find a compromise. Maybe, Tues and Thursdays she has people over. You know its happening she doesn’t have to tell you. Or she has people over twice a week but she has to let you know beforehand. But you get Veto if its been an especially dreadful, need to snuggle into your partner and eat something carby kinda evening.
If she can’t compromise you guys aren’t compatible longterm. Not unless you want to be turned inside out and used to facilitate her wants and needs while yours go ignored.
NTA
No one steps foot in my house unless I’ve ran it by my husband prior to inviting them. If he says not today then no invite is given.
Maybe I’ll go meet them for coffee or dinner instead, but they won’t be coming into our home that day.
It’s called respect.
lol are you me?
Buy a bigger place or drill it into her head. Otherwise you’ll both be moving out and selling.
Wife is an AH. All OP asked for was a heads up when she had people over. I’ve been in OP’s exact position and lost count of the number times I’d come home after a closing shift to find several people hanging out with my partner. The last thing I wanted to do after a 10 hour shift was walk into a house filled with pot smoke and loud music/gaming.
I too just asked for a heads up. Not so I could say no. But so I could adjust my mindset and/or immediate plans. Of course I also got the “you’re controlling” and the “my house too” lectures. Even after several attempts to explain where I was coming from it kept happening.
My solution was to start being a dick if there were people over when I got home after 12am. I’d walk in and immediately start forcefully saying things about the party being over, it was time for people to go home, time to go, etc. and not exactly being rude but certainly not being a puss about it. After the 3rd or 4th time people started declining my partner’s invites and he eventually stopped asking people.
NTA
She doesn’t understand what living together with someone means. She just acts the same as when she was living alone (or how she wanted to act when living at home or with roommates but couldn’t).
Maybe try to make her understand by doing the same. Just bring a buddy with you when you come home, blast music in the lkving room and make it a guys night and if her friends are already over just tell your buddies to squeeze beside them, you will get the beer.
She will FLIP at you, but maybe after calming down, she will realise just how shitty this is.
But important, if she is home alone, go tell her your buddy is over so she doesn’t walk out in her underwear. If this happens she will not get the message and only focus on this.
Or just turn around whenever you come home to company and go sleep somewhere else. But she will just call you dramatic again.
Time for the mayor of Naked Land to exit the bedroom after you get home.
Fake post. I read this one a few weeks back
NTA. I have some bad advice but one way you could “fight” back is the second you walk in the door strip down to your underwear and carry on as if there where no people there and if she says anything reply that you should be able to feel comfortable in your own place.
NTA. She don’t respect you at all. Time to end the lease and move elsewhere soonest
Start walking around in your underwear. Make them uncomfortable. Establish dominance. It’s your house. Act like it. You’re letting her win.
No…. You are not wrong. I’d be livid. Wife speaking here. I wouldn’t bring anyone over without announcing/planning) with hubby. It is also your house not just hers. Not that you have say if she has people over, per se, it’s respect more so and communication. So if she respects you she’d communicate / alter behavior, what you’re asking isn’t un-normal.
u/bot-sleuth-bot
I imagine this isn’t something she pre plans , so maybe the moment doesn’t allow for a heads up ( sometimes ) . Don’t exaggerate this to a “respect” not “respect”
Debate. She sounds like she has a healthy social life,
That’s great for Her. You don’t need to participate in the social life always, so you can simply just go straight to
The bedroom and close the door. Besides a simple greeting you don’t really owe anyone anything.
Also it’ goes both ways, if your leaving work beat and tired you can also text her with a heads up that this is how you feel that day. She not doing something wrong..she’s just social. It’s great
Account created 6 hours ago.
AI is YTA for this drivel.
It’s just common courtesy when you share space to consider each others needs. At the very least, warning you a few days in advance that she will be having company over is better than just springing it on you. It’s not just her space it’s supposed to be BOTH of your space.
NTA. Your wife isn’t even willing to have a conversation about having company slightly less often to make you feel better, let alone not caring if you had a bad day. She’s being uncaring and insensitive to the person who is supposed to be your partner.
That’s absolutely not normal couple behavior.
What if you did the same?
Walk around naked more they’ll stop showing up uninvited
I am a wife and you are absolutely right in this. Your wife needs to give you a heads up if she’s having someone over, because you live there too. She’s treating you badly, like it’s not your apartment, too.
NTA. She isn’t just being inconsiderate, she doesn’t even know the meaning of consideration or compromise in a relationship. You don’t say how long you have been married or how long this has been going on. She does have a job so apparently her way of unwinding from work is to have a party. Face masks? Nope. But she doesn’t understand that unlike her, you need peace and quiet after you get off work.
Unfortunately it doesn’t look like she is willing to change and blames you and makes herself the victim. This is bad. You either need to see a marriage counselor or a divorce lawyer because she doesn’t care about you at all.
She does need your permission to bring people over. This is a “2 yes, 1 no” sort of situation. Inviting people over should mean both of you agree, and if one person says no, then its a no.
NTA.
Come home a and and start playing loud music whilst slamming doors….she may just get the message.
NTA that would send me. At least text a heads up so I can mentally prepare myself. Tell her it’s not about permission but about respecting you as her partner because it’s your place as well. She sounds young and inconsiderate
One to two times a week? Yta.
NTA. You should have gone straight to your bedroom. Locked the door and not let her in for the night. If you can’t enjoy the living room space, then she doesn’t get to enjoy the bedroom space. But I’m a petty bitch.
Get a pet alligator. Check mate.
You need to have a frank conversation with your wife about burnout. The living situation is insupportable. If she wants to socialize, ask her to go out with her friends instead of having them over while you get a handle on it.
> That she “shouldn’t have to ask permission” in her own space
Sure that’s true, if it was her own space. It’s not. It’s a shared space.
OP, i’m sorry, but she has very little respect for you OR concern for your feelings or emotional needs.
but here’s the thing. i bet, if you’re being REALLY honest with yourself, you can come up with other examples of her being inconsiderate, disrespectful, uncaring, or invalidating. am i right?
There needs to be a compromise, days that she can have people over and days when you get quiet.
Invest in noise cancelling headphones, put a desk in a different room etc., that sort of thing.
The real problem isn’t her bringing over guests, but calling you dramatic and dismissing your boundaries.
Does she even like you bro its girls out there that show more respect to their situationship
Can you not politely say hi and then retreat to your bedroom? But yes, wife should be a little more considerate. Maybe she’s lonely??
You tell him: two days a week, Tuesday and Thursday, you receive. The other days, it’s no.
Is this your first time living together? Is this new behavior? Sounds like it’s always been how she lives, was she not like this before you got married?
NTA but treat it like your house. Sit down kick your shoes off and stick on the TV, video chat with a mate, play some games, etc. return the respect.
I would be stripping off clothes as I walked in the house. Shoes off, socks, shirt, pants (boxers are the best underwear choice for this). When someone says something give them the 1000 yard stare and mutter “rough day” as you head to the shower. Act as though NO ONE is home but you.
Dispite the reddit issued name I was born and will always be proudly female. But eff someone making me feel like a guest in my own home. (Obviously I would not do this as a woman, but if I were a man, heck yeah. Make others uncomfortable.) You pay or help pay the bills.
NTA
My advice would be to just tell her friends to get out and make it clear you don’t want them in your house all the time.
It’s not going to solve the main issue, which is that your wife sucks, but it will get her friends to stop coming over. People generally don’t want to hangout somewhere they know they aren’t welcome.
AI strikes again!
Nta, why isn’t she excited to have time for you two to decompress from the day? Husband and I both look forward to the end of the day when we are both home and sitting down in front of the TV. Just us, we air out whatever crap we held all day. I would never have someone over and expect him to be okay with it, I wouldn’t want to come home to a guest every day either. Almost seems like she’s trying to find a connection elsewhere, maybe not sexually but emotionally?
OP, find another place to decompress. Hang out at the gym or a park. Come home really late, shower and straight to bed, when she asks what’s going on, tell her the truth, “You have zero respect for me, so there’s no point in coming home to you and your friends. It’s obvious that you’d rather be single and act single with them. They are your life, and I don’t seem to be anymore. You have your gfs and maybe I should find my own to hang out with. This marriage has almost reached its best before date. Goodnight.” Then roll over.
Maybe, just maybe she’ll reflect on her actions and do something about it. Unless she changes, I feel like it’s a slow death of your marriage
Next time when you come home go to your room undress I mean completely naked undress and walk to the kitchen and make you a sandwich when she freaks and her friends stare look at them and wink then say to her cutest friend ” you wanna come back to my room and have a sandwich suddenly I’m in mood for a taco”
And I’m sure things will change
Start doing whatever you were going to do when you got home anyway. Gonna take a shower and go to sleep, do it. Gonna make some food, stinky stinky food, do it. Looking forward to playing call of duty in your old tighty whiteys in the living room, do it. Its your house too and if she bitches about it remind her of this by telling her shes overreacting and being dramatic. You shouldnt have to ask permission to play games in your living room.
I would HATE IT if this happened to me , even one time. I’m usually exhausted post work and all I need is my own uninterrupted space at home. Your wife is inconsiderate and selfish to think that she shouldn’t consult with you before inviting over people. The space belongs to you both.
NTA
You don’t need permission to walk around naked in your own home. Just saying. 😉
NTA your wife is! Common decency to share plans with a spouse. Ask her how she would feel if you brought someone over everyday day…. I would go nuts!!