20F older sibling to 18M and 15F – parents (M & F) in constant silent conflict, it’s taking a toll on me
As the eldest sibling (20F) in an Asian household, I’m constantly witnessing my parents (married 20+ years – dad & mum) go through silent, unresolved conflicts. They rarely argue openly, but there’s constant tension. It’s emotionally exhausting
The main trigger seems to be my mum’s side of the family. Her siblings have hurt her a lot over the years (honestly, they’re quite toxic). My dad, trying to protect her, once told my aunt not to talk to my mum about family gossip or issues, just general stuff. He didn’t inform my mum about this, which led to more misunderstandings. My mum was hurt thinking her sister was ignoring her, and then felt even more heartbroken when she found out my dad had intervened behind her back.
My dad’s reasoning is that my mum gets depressed and anxious every time her family is involved, and it affects her well-being and our household. But my mum is stuck in between – she loves her siblings and my cousins, even though she knows they cause her pain. She’s deeply hurt by how controlling my dad seems, even if his intentions might have been to protect her.
They don’t yell or scream, but the silence and avoidance drag on for weeks. As the oldest, I try to mediate sometimes, but it backfires. My dad gets emotional and accuses me of siding with my mum or being “influenced” by her. It’s overwhelming. I can’t just move out and escape this (Asian family dynamics), and I don’t want my parents to separate. But this is seriously taking a toll on me.
They resolve things for a while, but the cycle always repeats silence, tension, avoidance. I feel stuck. My younger siblings don’t get involved, and I’m glad they’re shielded from most of it. But I’m emotionally burnt out.
What can I do in this situation? How do I protect my own peace and still be there for them? How can I help them reallytalk it out without making it worse
What to do in this situation?
Tldr: 20F, eldest sibling in an Asian household. My parents (married 20+ years) are constantly in silent conflict, mostly due to issues with my mum’s toxic siblings. Dad tries to protect her but ends up being controlling. Mum is torn between her love for her family and the emotional toll. I try to help but end up being misunderstood. It’s an exhausting cycle, and I’m emotionally drained. Don’t know how to help or cope.
Comments
You can’t really do a lot to fix a relationship that you are not a part of. This is primarily between your mom and dad, and I would be seeking to keep out of it rather than get more involved to try and fix things.
You need to step away from their issues, you can’t play their mediator. You are their child and not their therapist. Unfortunately your dynamic, where they are your parents (authority) and you are the child (subordinate), nothing you say will help in their fight. The more you try to help the more you will become the target of their anger.
As hard as it is stay out of it, sorry OP but it isn’t something you can fix.