I (33m) lost both of my parents by the time I was 10. My mom when I was 5 and my dad when I was 9. My dad had remarried and had a kid with his wife and they had another on the way when he died. My grandparents and dad’s widow fought for custody of me and because I wanted to be with my grandparents, they won the custody battle.
I didn’t spend a lot of time with my half siblings back then and I resisted playing happy families with them and their mom. She wanted me with them and she felt like I belonged with them but I felt like I belonged with my real family and luckily that’s where I was. For years I had no contact with my half siblings at all.
This all changed three years ago when they reached out and said they wanted to know me and have me in their lives. We talk once a month and DM a little in between. They want the relationship with me more than I do. But even more than that, they have expressed on a number of occasions that they feel like the courts made the wrong decision and they feel my choice was wrong. They keep looking for me to regret the choice. And they have mentioned several times that their mom has longed for a relationship with me and misses me.
A few times they called their mom my mom. I corrected them and would always make it clear I never considered her my mom. They never understood this and they questioned me on this and I always answered.
Last time we talked they told me they need to hear me say I regret choosing to live with my grandparents over them and their mom. They said it’s something that haunted their family for years. And they need to know if I could go back I’d make a different decision. I told them that would be a lie and I have never regretted it. I told them being raised by my family was better than being raised by the woman my dad married. I said I never thought of her as a parent or as my family.
They asked me how I could get to my age and have kids (I have three) and feel that way. They told me being raised by a parent would have been better than being raised by grandparents. I said if I had a parent then yes, but I didn’t. Both my parents are dead and their mom was never one of mine. Then they had me confirm my lack of regret and they said I was fucking cold and should have a heart considering their mom fought so hard for me and loved me as her own.
I refused to apologize and they were more than happy to talk at me for hours about how awful I am. Instead of listening I ended the call. AITA?
Comments
NTA. They’re mad you didn’t trauma bond with their mom just because she wanted to be your mom. You were a grieving kid, not a consolation prize. Choosing your grandparents wasn’t cold it was choosing love and stability. They need therapy, not your regret.
NTA, as you said, she is not your parent and there was no reason for you to want to live with them when you had loving grandparents willing to raise you…
You have a right to your feelings and them to theirs, however, trying to pressure you to express regret on something you obviously don’t its a bit manipulative and entitled, and it is weird they keep insisting on it.
So they are angry because their fantasy and your reality don’t match.
NTA – how could they possibly know your life would have been better?
I dont know man, they have an unhealthy obsession over something that can’t be undone. Move forward.
NTA she wasn’t your mom or even a blood relative. You had your parents who died, and I’m sorry about that.
If you want to cut contact with people being abusive, no one is stopping you.
Take care OP.
NTA. Your Grandparents are your family. Step mom was only dad’s wife.
NTA. Why are you entertaining their insanity?
Sounds like their mom has spent the intervening years telling them over and over that you were coerced and you would have been loved and been part of the family. Kids lap that stuff up and it sinks deep into their soul. Now they are grown and want their moms fantasy to be true, and to have it resolved with a group hug like some kind of Hallmark movie.
If it was me I’d have been irritated to the point on blocking the lot of them.
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NTA. She wasn’t your mom biologically or otherwise and she lost bc your grandparents are family. You don’t owe them a relationship you don’t owe their mother anything. She can love you all she wants but that doesn’t change how YOU feel about her. They also don’t get to dictate how you should feel and imo you made the right choice choosing your grandparents bc they are not right in the head to think they get a say in how you should feel! I’d go NC bc they clearly do not want to respect your boundaries and it’s all about them and her not you at all. They’re too pushy
NTA it seems their mum has put thoughts into their head about how things happened and how they should be. I’m glad you got the outcome that was right for you.
NTA. Ask them this question: since your dad has passed, if their mother had remarried, would her new husband have become their dad? Would a new husband just replace your dad in their hearts? Because they clearly believe that when your dad remarried, their mother became your new mum, and so you should have chosen her over your grandparents.
You wanted to be with the family you’d known all your life, rather than with someone you’d known for at most, 4 years. Their mother did not listen to what you wanted and who you wanted to be with after you’d lost not one but both of your parents. Now your half-siblings are trying to do the same, dismissing your feelings because they think they are right and you are wrong. They don’t care about what you wanted or needed, and they are demanding that you lie and say you regret living with your grandparents because, just like their mother, the only feelings that matter are theirs. It’s selfish, self-serving, and thoughtless on their part, and they’re far too old for this.
NTA
Call me cynical, but I can’t figure why Step Mom would want to raise someone else’s kid unless there was money attached. Did either of OP’s parents have an estate, or was Social Security survivor benefits involved? Whoever raised the kid, had control of the assets maybe?
I’m not sure keeping in contact with them if they don’t let go of their little fantasy would be for the best. Surely you will eventually tire of this nonsense from them? they at least still had a parent. I’d have been much less diplomatic than you if they had continued to pester me after the first couple of times.
Nta. They are not respecting you at all. Id go low contact til they do.
>Last time we talked they told me they need to hear me say I regret choosing to live with my grandparents over them and their mom.
And that would be a moment when I’d cut the contact. This isn’t about reconnecting; this is about guilt-tripping you into doing whatever they want. No one with good intentions would ever say something even remotely close to this. Because what they tried to do was an extremely destructive type of emotional extortion. And if they used it once, they will use it more, be sure of that.
If, after a month from reconnection, they behave like this, then having a relationship with them is not worth it.
NTA.
PS – Has their mom spoken to you recently? I mean, if they suddenly reach out, then perhaps she tried as well?
NTA your stepmother talked about her trauma but never taught them empathy for yours