I’ve known my ex for over 25 years, we were married for 10. It hasn’t always been amicable between us but for the most part we get along as I have become apathetic to him. He missed our son’s grade 8 grad to go to a concert with his GF. Whether or not it was an important life event, it hurt our son. He made it to our son’s grade 12 grad.
Our daughter reminded her dad multiple times through the month when her grad was. Two nights before grad he broke it off with one GF after having a fight in front of our two daughters and friends. Then the next night got back with his old GF…came home at 8am. The grad was at 10:30. The last thing he said to her was, “I’m coming, don’t worry.”
Well, 10:30 came, 11:00, 12:00 she crosses the stage, 12:30 he calls our other daughter’s phone. She hands it to me, I go in the hallways. I asked where he was and he says, “I’m sick, I don’t feel good. Everyone has been calling me, I have bills to pay, I’m anxious. Like, did I miss it?” I said, “You had one job to do today and that was show up. Every parent here has the same issues of worrying about bills, but they are all here.” He then swore at me, said I was making him feel worse, etc. I said, “You still have time to get here before it’s over. She’ll be happy if you just show up.” He never did. Didn’t call or text her. Didn’t say anything for hours. (For further context, I took time off from work and had to go back after work, my daughter had to go to work right after as well, we didn’t have plans afterwards, was leaving to the BF’s family cottage. She lives mostly with me but has a car so comes and goes as she pleases, but mostly here.)
She cried when she saw he didn’t come. He made excuses to her and her reply was, “I don’t know if this is something I can forgive. What’s next, you miss my wedding because you decide to be out all night with your girlfriend instead of just being my Dad.” His reply was to bring up his Mother’s suicide and that he likely wouldn’t be there anyways because of all the stress he has, insinuating he would kill himself. Then an hour later he said he had to work all weekend and expected her to take care of his dogs. Which her reply was, “I’m gone to the cottage all weekend. Sorry.” She hasn’t said much to him since, neither have I.
I don’t think he deserves to have the honour of displaying her grad picture at his house, if he couldn’t care enough to be there he doesn’t deserve it.
So what would you do? Give one to Dad, give to daughter, or give to Grandparents.
Comments
Give it to the daughter. She’ll appreciate it more and it’s a constant reminder of her strength and success.
He missed the moment he loses the memory. Give it to your daughter she earned it.
I just want to share my own experience. Due to parental and familial drama at my own hs commencement ceremony that I cared absolutely nothing about, I never again attended a graduation ceremony where I was the graduate in my entire life.
That was in 1981 and I eventually declined to attend the ceremonies for the completion of my BA, MA, a foreign graduate degree abroad, and my PhD.
The graduate at the center of all the hoopla probably doesn’t care at all except for the unnecessary negativity that will unfortunately be part of her memories for the rest of her life.
Oh my god give up on her father please. He’s just going to keep disappointing her. Give the picture to your daughter or her grandparents if she would rather they have it. Her father (aka your sperm donor, since he’s not much of a father) is a major narcissist. Missing her grad, making it all about him, and then threatening suicide is like text book narcissist. Get him out of your lives, especially hers, so he can’t manipulate her anymore.
He probably wouldn’t have displayed the photo anyway. If he wants one for display he can reach out to find out how to order one.
I would take a good, clear cell phone photo of it and text it to him.
He seems to be going through a lot. That’s no excuse, just an observation. He’s obviously not bringing his best self to his daughter, his relationship(s), his work, or his dogs. That is sad, all around. His illness may be related to alcohol or drug usage. Or maybe it’s undiagnosed depression (which is a real illness).
My advice to your daughter, if she were to ask for it, would be to lower any expectations she has about his involvement in her life.
I hope the new GF took care of the dogs, because I really feel for any animals that are being neglected (and they most certainly were if he was out all night and they were alone at his home).
Give the pic to someone who showed up.
Give dad the number of the company. Maybe he can buy his own.
He can purchase his own if he bothers to take /5 minutes to figure it out. Your daughter sounds like an accomplished young woman, congratulations. Give it to her and if she wants she can give it to the grandparents or not.
Do not give him a picture. He didn’t show up, he doesn’t get to have a pic to pretend like he is a good father.
Why in the world would you pay for something for him. He is an adult. Just send him the link to order his own picture, if he is so inclined.
He won’t be inclined, so don’t bring it up with daughter unless she asks directly why he doesn’t have one. It probably won’t even occur to her.
He wouldn’t care anyway. They are your photos, not his.
Nope. If he asks, give him the name/website/whatever of the photographer to purchase his own copy. You don’t have to facilitate that. He’s a mess. Your daughter has reached the age where she AND you don’t need to worry about him, his mental health, his selfishness, his girlfriends, his bullshit any more . Let your daughter drive this relationship nowas she sees fit. Make sure she knows his many failings aren’t a reflection on her or her value as a lovable person.
Give it to grandparents 💕
Scan it and send him the photo digitally. He can do whatever he wants on his own end with it. You gatekeeping a picture isn’t going to accomplish anything except create more drama for you. He knows what he did (and didn’t) do.
“His reply was to bring up his Mother’s suicide and that he likely wouldn’t be there anyways because of all the stress he has, insinuating he would kill himself.” WOW! That is some First Rate Bullshit to put on your daughter.
I think its time to encourage your daughter to go Low Contact and get counseling. That is about as Grade A Toxic as a parent can get.
Tell your daughter to take a photo of the portrait and text it to her Dad. Problem solved
Frame it and give it to your kiddo.
This lack of accountability reminds me of my own father with his alcoholism and depression. I’m 30 now and I can tell you that my dad didn’t change and I no longer speak to him for my own peace of mind.
Do you have any reason to have any further contact with him? It sounds like he hurt your daughter for the last time. As long as you have a copy or your daughter has a copy, he can always get one made if he requests it, and your daughter agrees.