I married a great guy 40 years ago. He was a widower with an 8yr old son, Sean. It was my first marriage. I had no kids. Sean started calling me mom (his choice) a few weeks after we married. So I had an instant family, and we did lots of family things. Birthday parties, Disneyworld, camping, etc. Sean is now 49 with two kids and a wife. He has done a few tours (Army reserves) to Afghanistan, Bosnia, etc. Something has changed in his attitude toward me over the past ten years. I cannot pinpoint exactly when it started. He shows up at family gatherings and does not greet me, or even acknowledge me. We go out to a restaurant with him and his family to celebrate a shared birthday between Ray and his daughter. Sean does not talk to me. I am completely invisible. I have no idea what I may have done or said, but it has not gone unnoticed by others. My husband (Ray) is stumped too. I asked Ray to try to find out what is going on. Sean did not have any explanation (according to Ray) so it got dropped. I then asked Ray to tell Sean to straighten up when he is around me, and to treat me with some respect. The tension became uncomfortable enough that I would make sure I was gone when Sean came over, sometimes for an entire weekend. Sean will invite Ray to the grandkids’ activities at school, and Ray has gone on camping trips with them. This 4th of July Sean and his kids came to our lake house for the weekend. I was not thrilled that Ray invited them. I was not able to leave and had to spend the weekend in a small house with Sean and his family. Turns out Sean has developed an enormous beer habit, which means frequent trips to the only bathroom in the house. And every time he came out of the bathroom, the lid and seat were not put down. We didn’t raise him to be like that. I kept putting the seat back down, only to find it up every time he used the bathroom. Sean brought snacks for him and the kids. Bags of chips torn open and left open on the counter. Nothing put away. I pulled Ray aside and told him to address this with Sean. And then I asked if Sean was always like this when he visited. Yes. Ray admitted that Sean is a pig, and that it bothered Ray also. And Ray had never once mentioned to his son to pick up after himself and remember that he was a guest in our
house. He just kept his mouth shut and let it happen. That’s when the lightbulb went on in my head. Sean has no respect for his dad or me. By staying quiet, Ray has passively let Sean know that his behavior is acceptable. So now I have discovered that Ray’s interpretation of addressing Sean was to ask him if there was something wrong. I am fuming and I am so done with being treated like this. I’ve given up on having a relationship with Sean, but now feel like Ray threw me under the bus. So I told him his son is no longer allowed in our house. AITAH? Overreacting? Expecting too much?
AITAH to tell my husband his son is no longer welcome in our house
r/AITAH
Comments
After being married so long, why didn’t you try to talk with Sean directly? No need to funnel things through your SO.
Well if he treats you like this in your own hone, then of course it makes sense to not have to subject yourself to him.
But the toilet seat and the chips? Youre grasping there. Something happened – whether there’s something up with him or you did something, who knows. But you dont just all of a sudden lose respect for someone.
NTA. Respect is a two-way street. If it’s not given, it can’t be expected in return.
NTA, and here’s the thing: Sean’s not just disrespecting you, he’s testing boundaries to see how much he can get away with. The fact that your husband admitted he’s “always like thiis” but never corrected him? You’re not banning him from the house, you’re finally giving consequences to behavior that should’ve been addressed decades ago.
You raised this kid, he called you mom, yet you refer to him as your husband’s son and you dont know what the problem is? Be for real
Definitely NTA. Respect is fundamentally important in any relationship, regardless of family ties. Ray should have addressed this issue with Sean long ago.
Why are you acting like you didn’t raise your step son. Confront him yourself. Why go through your spineless husband.
I’m not making excuses for his behavior but could it be PTSD related ( although I’ll admit it’s odd it’s directed toward only you)
I find your obsession with the toilet seat odd.
But why have you not actually talked to Sean about how he treats you? Why has this gone on for literal years?
ESH
Is there a problem with Sean’s wife? Have you been at odds with her in the past, OP?
How much does Sean drink on a regular basis? Is it possible that he is an alcoholic?
There must be more to the story here.
NTA, but you need to address this yourself with Sean, not Ray. You’ve known him for over 40 years and raised him since he was 8, why are you relying on Ray to figure out the issue between you two?
Honestly, there seem to be a lot of missing pieces in this story, what was Sean’s childhood like, how much did he look to you for a mother, and how much of a mother can you offer? It’s clear to me that there are important elements being left out.
NTA/ESH you have raised that man. You need to talk to him directly and tell him what behavior you expect moving forward or he won’t be able to visit. Period. You don’t need your husband to tell him this.
Is there any chance that Sean has discovered the manosphere? The fact that this behavior is targeted towards you is concerning. Not talking to you is one thing, but leaving behind messes for you to clean up?
Idk. I’m aware that I’m shooting in the dark, but it still could be a possibility. It’s on my mind because I’ve had a recent run in with this behavior and that was what turned out to be the cause.
YTA. You’re overreacting. Sean may have been the model child when he was living in your house under your (strict?) rules. But Sean is an adult now and has his own way of doing things, his own morals and his own habits.
I’m assuming you are strict and fussy about your home because the things you describe as upsetting enough to ban an adult who you raised from 8 years old are failure to close the toilet seat and an open bag of chips. I’m not judging, but these are small things that would not bother me in my own home, nor would I treat them as being disrespected. You are describing him as a “pig” on the internet for these minor things.
Stop trying to control Sean’s behavior and pay attention to what it is he’s trying to communicate. Why is he unhappy when he’s at your home? Why is he choosing to disregard your rules? Does he feel comfortable with you (and his dad) around?
I want my kids to feel welcome at home. I’m so happy to see them that I joyfully clean up whatever state they leave my house in – within reason. You only have one stepchild. One chance for a legacy. Don’t let perfect be the enemy of the good. Accept them for who they are.
So, let resume a little:
In the title he is not your son, he is your husband son. That is kind of weird OP, since, according to you, he’s been calling you mommy all his life from the moment you got married to his dad:
>Sean started calling me mom (his choice) a few weeks after we married. So I had an instant family
Yeah, why do I feel like you are embellishing the reality here? Because if this were true and you’ve been his mother all his life, your first reaction wouldn’t be to cut him out of your life completely.
I’m not saying his behaviour is good. But you are either oblivious or you just never cared about Sean:
>He has done a few tours (Army reserves) to Afghanistan, Bosnia, etc. Something has changed in his attitude toward me over the past ten years. I cannot pinpoint exactly when it started.
Seriously? You can’t pin point when he started to change? When he started to have a problem with alcool? When he started to act out of character by living like a pig? You can’t think of ANYTHING at all that could explain all this behaviour?
NOWHERE in your entire post did you write anything about you trying to talk to him directly. You use your husband as a buffer instead. If you really felt like you were his mother, you would have put the work in that relationship. And that’s where we are circling back to the begining of my comment:
What are you hidding from us? Did you really ever felt like his mother or you just accepted the bare minimum of that role?
Honestly, YTA for how you are dealing with everything.
YTA – Not for banning Sean from the house, but because you’ve been his Mom for 40 years, raised him and instead of attempting to communicate with Sean directly when you first noticed the change in attitude – you ignored it for 10 years??? Why are you treating this situation / relationship as if you recently married his Dad who happened to come with an adult son, instead of being his parent of 40 years???,
Time to have a conversation with Sean when he’s sober
After 40 years, that is your son too, not just his.
Sorry YTA. The things you mentioned in your story are annoyances. To be honest, I haven’t read anything that you said that justifies you cutting contact and not wanting him in your house
Yta for not asking Sean yourself when you bought him up. If he was biologically your son I bet you would
This has been going on for 10 years & you haven’t directly talked to Sean about this? Why? He called you mom; a mother would go to their son & ask what is going on. Good lord, I would tell a stranger to put the toilet seat down & to quit being messy in my home. Get a spine & talk to the man.
Seems like AI…
No sane person telling us a remotely fair version of this story wouldn’t have talked to Sean first …
This should have been addressed IMMEDIATELY when it first happened. It will likely never change now.
You should sit Sean down and have an adult conversation in a non hostile way without any accusations. It sounds like you guys had a good relationship until the last 10 years. Tell how much care about him then ask him where exactly this disconnect is coming from.
In all this time has Sean directly spoken mean to you? Have you asked his wife if she has noticed the change or her input?
This has gone on for ~10 years? In all that time, you didn’t ask Sean if he noticed that the relationship wasn’t as positive as it was before “x”?
I forgot the military service. Was he injured or did he experience PTS symptoms? Is he seeking treatment for PTSD?
Military service, more so combat service, will change people in unique and unexpected ways. I have seen it first hand; it can: be subtle, build-up, change symptoms, be damaging to oneself and others, be greatly misunderstood, etc.
Your husband doesn’t want to rock the boat. NTA
YTA – he lost his mother… unbelievable how you react