We’re in a trial separation. He wants half custody. It’s been several months and it was the 8th time daycare has called me because he was unable to pick up our toddler. Sometimes he was just a “no show” and the daycare would call me because it’s already been half an hour since their offical close time. Everytime, the daycare is pissed at me for making them stay over time and we’re charge 2$ per minute for being late. They threaten to call authorities and CPS if we keep doing this. I tried to explain the problem, but daycare doesn’t care (as they shouldn’t).
Well last week, it happened again and I told daycare to go ahead and call the authorities and CPS. My (soon to be ex) husband showed up an hour late and met our toddler there with the cops. Daycare also threatened to kick our toddler out. (again, understandably so).
My STBXhusband was so mad and said I was a cruel mother for abandoning our toddler. I told him I warned him multiple times in the past, and issues only arise when he has “custody” (we switch with each week, trialing house swap too). I told him repeatedly if he cannot get out of work reliably, he needs to hire a babysitter/nanny and he cannot rely on me as his primary backup. (I’d get it if it was like once or twice a year, or if babysitter/nanny plans fell through… but if i’m his exwife and he has custody, he shouldn’t depend on me as his primary backup)
And I also felt bad about leaving our toddler but if we separated, this would only keep happening and I felt short term pain might be worth the long term gain. I feel bad our toddler is caught in the middle, but was I the AH for letting daycare call CPS?
Relevant details: We’re both high paying jobs…but I intention do not schedule myself to work late on days I have him or I have a nanny/babysitter ready. Now with the trial separation, I have cut down to half time – I work half days on the days I have our toddler so I can spend time with him, and work long days on days I’m “childfree”. He has made no changes in his schedule.
Comments
NTA. If he wants to share custody he needs to do the work half the time or deal with the consequences like an adult
I think it hurts right now and you’re questioning it because you’re a good mom but in the long run you did the right thing. Hopefully your separate times are well documented and so are your conversations with him because if he doesn’t have time for 50/50 custody he doesn’t deserve it and the courts probably wouldn’t have seen any problem with it if you didnt involve authorities.
Honestly, CPS was the wake up call he needed. What if the daycare had just closed and your toddler was alone? That’s not being cruel, that’s protecting your child when their other parent keeps dropping the ball
NTA. You didn’t abandon your son, he abandoned him. He gets to deal with the consequences of his actions. If that means that you get full custody and he gets visitation a couple times a month then that is what is necessary.
I would talk to my lawyer about taking this to court citing all the times he has failed to pick him up on time and has used you as the primary backup.
Talk to your attorney. Stop posting background information on Reddit. This can be so bad for you.
Call your attorney now. Explicitly follow the directions of your attorney. Explicitly. Do not make any response to this post.
NTA, he needs to understand that he does not have a wife anymore to pick up the pieces when he forgets, doesn’t plan properly and neglects his child. If he wants half custody, this is what that looks like and it doesn’t involve someone else running around and picking up your slack when you don’t follow through on your commitments to your child. I hope you and the daycare have documentation for all the times he failed to pick his child up, all the late fees he has racked up and all the times you had to do it for him because he failed to show up. It’s time for him to seriously reevaluate why it is he thinks he wants or deserves half custody if he can’t even handle daycare pickup and basic adult scheduling responsibilities. This is what parenting is, no one else does it for you or plans around your lack of planning.
Please gather all this evidence and use it to request primary custody.
Document everything, and make it a permanent separation not a trial one.
You’re NTA. Sounds like your STBX does not grasp that his life has to change and change now if he is going to have 50% custody of your child. He doesn’t get to just blow off daycare pick up time and let you and the daycare people sort it out. I’m guessing it’s this level of oblivious entitlement that contributed to your marriage ending in the first place.
Please talk to your lawyer. He is already demonstrating that he’s unfit for the degree of custody he wants. If the cops and CPS involvement isn’t a wake up call, I’m not sure what will get through to him.
Your feelings are valid, but beware that when it comes to the custody battle portion of the divorce, the CPS being called to come to daycare might come back to bite you in the ass too. In my opinion, it’d be better to document his late arrivals and no-shows than to allow CPS to get involved
Do not allow CPS in this any longer. It will bite you just as much as him. Lawyer, document, document, document. He only wants 50/50 to avoid child support. He clearly cannot handle solo parenting, whether by choice or circumstance. Proceed to divorce and stop drawing this out – your baby deserves stability.
I’ll probably be downvoted but Imma say yes, YTA. So is your ex.
Why?
You are making your child a part of your relationship/divorce games.
This is your child and their care and safety should be your utmost priority. If that means having to pick them up because your ex is a piece of shit, then you do it. They do t need to be aware of all your relationship drama and you certainly don’t want the state crawling up your ass or taking the child.
Document all the times he didn’t show and take it to court for custody.
Talk to your attorney aboout how to handle this and stop posting online. In fact, I would confer with you lawyer about deleting this. Custody shit is weird so I don’t know how it might look if you delete and this were to come up so TALK TO A LAWYER
ESH
Your husband sucks way more than you but if CPS investigates this they will also look at how you refused to pick up your child. This could easily go against you and your husband and your kid may end up in foster care. You should be documenting when your husband is late for pickup and showing that YOU are reliable parent who picks up her kid instead. Instead you are showing that you are willing to weaponize your child. Its not good for you.
NTA. Could you share a nanny? (Nanny included with the house you’re trailing swapping?) No Daycare, just Nanny care.
Nta.
Can’t play by the rules. Get out of the game.
YTA for leaving your baby there so late. Not just to the daycare, but your kid. Get the daycare to document the days he is late and get full custody.
Though harsh, I do think this was a necessary step. Unfortunately, when one person is the the default parent, the other doesn’t always realize all the little things that need to be done to allow for that. I also feel that there are times where 50/50 custody is pushed to avoid bigger child support payments, while the non-default parent isn’t necessarily capable or available to actually have custody half the time.
OP is right- if they are not together and it is his custody time, she is no longer the default parent on his time- he is.
NTA- and I hope that overtime bill went directly to STBX to pay!
Updateme
NTA – he is a parent! He failed/failing that poor child. He wants half of the custody than he needs to father-up , he is an adult!
Notice he doesn’t even take accountability but blames you instead. Hopefully this will work better for you in the custody agreement for you and your child.
I would also see if they could do separate billing. So you’re soon to be ex pays for all of the overcharges.
NTA
He needs to learn to adults. You should have to bail him out for his lack of planning and incompetency. You probably did it while you were together, shouldn’t have to do it while you’re not.
Well it’ll look good for you when you go to court for custody. You’ll get full custody and he’ll get visitation. A CPS record never goes away.
You need to delete this post. This isn’t for reddit to discuss, it’s for you to document with your attorney to take to family court, for your custody fight.
NTA
I love how he wants 50/50 custody…but also wants YOU to do most of the childcare even when he has custody.
Op you did nothing wrong and the only reason he wants 50/50 custody is so he doesn’t have to pay child support
So what I am hearing is in your custody order you don’t want the right to first refusal
NTA. He’s not a fit parent and now the world can see it.
Yeah, it wasn’t you who abandoned the kid. That was him. And I hope you have the records of this.
Next time they call you tell them you’re 5hrs away and physically can’t get him, to call your ex.
Did you cover for all his shit when you were married. Looks like he assumed this would continue. I wouldn’t be surprised if the reason he wasn’t 50/50 custody was to not pay child support. Because if he really cared would he be late that many times??
talk to your attorney to make sure you’re not making yourself look bad
He doesn’t care about the kid. He wants half custody to avoid paying child support.
No NTA
If it brings you any comfort, I’m a former daycare worker who has had to call CPS for child abandonment. I promise your toddler was fine. Probably grumpy because they didn’t want to be at school anymore, and confused as to where you were, but they were fine. As annoyed as I and other workers would be that we couldn’t get home, we entertained and played it cool with the kid in our care. Same goes for the cops, they chatted with the kid and made jokes to make them feel better. So don’t feel guilty about potentially causing your toddler pain. I don’t think you did.
Side note – if you don’t already, get yourself a lawyer. They can subpoena the daycare records and worker testimony to show your child is regularly picked up late, or by you after a threat for call authorities is made only during his custody time. That will be important and you’ll need serious official backup.
NTA
But make ertain that your lawyer knows about all of this. Get documentation from teh daycare. And the additional osts he is causing.
NTA you keep covering for him, and then you don’t have a “ paper trail” so to speak of his lack of reliability. This was a great decision for long term goals.
I would delete this post.
Nta it’s his time with his child and he’s failing to act like an adult. What if you were unreachable when he’s a no show? Once you separate he won’t know your schedule and it’s perfectly reasonable that in time you don’t have your child that you are busy and might not have your phone on ring.
NTA. You need to document every time he fails to pick up from daycare. Do not allow them to call CPS again unless you are truly unable to pick up – it will work against you. Prove your case in court during the trial. He is giving you everything you need
I’m not an expert but if the toddler has a mother available to pick them up from daycare (as a backup choice), who is choosing not to as a way to essentially play games with her soon to be ex, I don’t see that budding well for you in the CPS investigation (or in a future custody hearing before a judge). The correct method to address your ex’s failure to pick up your daughter as arranged is not a false CPS investigation (the child was not in any danger), but in court. Bringing in an already burdened CPS in here seems ridiculous & childish.
NTA. He is irresponsible, and thinks you’ll pick up his slack. I’m glad you did that!
NTA he wants 50/50 he needs to step up. He is the one failing your daughter not you.
NTA. Your ex needs to step up and take his responsibilities seriously, especially when it comes to your child. Can’t always rely on others to pick up his slack.
Nta. Honestly with it being so easy to get a babysitter nowadays there is no excuse. He could literally just go on to care.com and find tons of options for backup babysitting or even look into finding a daycare provider that’s open later. You a life and schedule around the time that you don’t have your child and he can do the same.
It is time to take over and push for the separation and full custody. You have tested the waters long enough. He is grown. You said y’all both have high paying jobs?? His job is not more important than yours. And his job would fire him if he was always late.
Cut off his access to your help. It is what is best for you and the child.
NTA
Oh my gosh what are you doing. Talk to your lawyer and get their advice. If I was you, I’d pick child up but start a record of every time he fell through. This is going to look bad for both of you.
NTA STBEX needs to learn that you are no longer his backup and he needs to find someone else. Simple as that.
NTA but while you are actively in a custody battle/divorce stop posting or leave out all the details. Update your attorney and I highly recommend having set forms of communication put in the custody agreement
Why have a child with someone if you aren’t compatible? Toddlers are under 2 years old. I GUARANTEE that your relationship problems started LONG before 2 years ago…. The whole situation isn’t fair to your toddler. They deserve better than a broken home.
This has to be fake. the facility would have called CPS on BOTH of you for not picking up the child given that there is no parenting plan and you equally are responsible. For all the daycare knows it’s your day and you are lying.
NTA, its his job to take vare of his child during his custody. If he cant do it then he can have custody.
nta he has some nerve accusing you of abandoning your toddler when he’s the one that didn’t pick up the child!
Your intention wasn’t wrong, but you have to keep in mind that while you are still married, you are legally seen as one unit so his behavior does reflect directly on you until you are officially divorced or at least a divorce has been filed
NTA. He can’t blame you bc he failed to pick up your child on time. These are the consequences of his actions and he needs to deal with it and not push blame.
Nta. If he can’t be reliable then he doesn’t need as much parenting time. Personally since he can’t seem to be on time to pick him up I would go to him only getting him every other weekend.
NTA, in fact, I would arrange for a separate daycare contract for each of you.
Him calling you “a cruel mother” & not picking your child on time shows he believes childcare is women’s work. Let him keep getting visits from CPS & the cops until he finally learns responsibility.
Sounds like he’s still expecting you to act as the primary parent even though you’re separated. NTA and if he can’t deal with it, he needs to be a weekend dad or do like you said and hire a nanny/babysitter that will pick the child up and watch them until he gets home
Please be careful that you don’t screw yourself over with this. Yes, your stbx should have consequences for failing to care for yourcson by not picking him up from daycare during his parenting time. However, you may not be helping yourself on the upcoming custody battle by telling the daycare to go ahead and call CPS.
Instead, go pick your son up, Every. Single. Time. and document it. Ask the daycare to call your stbx before calling you and to keep a record for you of how many times he has to be called because he is late or no shows.
Use that documentation of your stbs’s irresponsiblity in making sure your child is cared for to get full custody of your son, limited visitation, and full child support.
NTA he is showing time and time again he doesn’t give a rats ass about his kid.
Be prepared that CPS will also visit you. Prepare in advance proof that ex had the child those days bc they will dig. Also be aware you do not need to let them talk to your kid and can instruct daycare to not allow them to talk to CPS without you present. You also don’t need to let them in your home if you don’t want to.
But if I were you I’d keep my home cleaner, look good, but definitely instruct daycare that child cannot talk without you
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>daycare
Nta. He needs to figure his shit out or drop shared custody.
You need to go to court, and take all the documentation you have showing him late and absent. Also, studies have shown that a 2-2-3 schedule is better for young children, so you have a good shot of him getting every other weekend and each Wednesday from 4-8. He most likely can’t pick up on time on his days, and it is in the best interest of the child. But you gotta go to court.
Good you have it on record
Make him pay child support and take over majority custody. Show evidence of CPS and others issues where the kid was adversely impacted by his dad’s poor judgement and parenting skills. You have leverage. Use it
Why does this post have more info than your other one on relationship advice? Legit just read this and was shorter