I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend (29F) for 8 months. I’m 30M. She’s a kind, caring, and emotionally loving person. I truly believe she loves me unconditionally. I care about her deeply and appreciate the emotional warmth she brings.
But I’m increasingly anxious about how this relationship will translate into a stable, long-term future, especially when it comes to marriage and building a life together.
She’s currently unemployed. She has a degree in architecture and claims to be actively looking for a job, but her approach is limited to clicking “apply” on job websites. She hasn’t been working on her portfolio, building new skills, or networking in any way that would realistically improve her chances. She also spends most of her free time watching reality shows or scrolling through Instagram. I’ve gently tried to express that using this time more productively could help her career and self-confidence, but she gets upset and says I’m making her feel “useless.”
She says her hobby is dancing, but I’ve rarely seen her engage in it unless it’s a family occasion. She doesn’t consistently pursue any interests or hobbies outside of our relationship.
Our conversations often feel one-sided. I enjoy discussing topics like books, movies, games, or current events, but she has no interest in any of those. If I don’t carry the conversation, it usually dries out.
What concerns me more is her complete disinterest in being involved in financial planning or future responsibilities. She inherited some property from her father, but has already said she doesn’t want to manage any of it and expects me to handle it all. She openly admits she wants me to make all major decisions, manage finances, and take care of most responsibilities.
She is extremely passive and submissive in life overall. While I initially saw this as her being laid-back, I now realize it may become a long-term mental and emotional burden. I’m concerned that in marriage, I’ll have to shoulder everything — emotional labor, finances, planning, and responsibilities.
I’m not posting this as a rant. I genuinely care about her, but I’m starting to feel mentally exhausted just thinking about what our future could look like. I’m not sure how to have a productive conversation about this without making her feel bad, and I don’t want to hurt her. But I also don’t want to ignore the anxiety building in me.
My question is:
How do I navigate a relationship where there is love, but a complete mismatch in ambition, self-responsibility, and long-term engagement in life?
TL;DR:
My girlfriend loves me deeply but has no ambition, hobbies, or involvement in life responsibilities. I feel like I’ll have to handle everything alone. I’m anxious about our future and unsure if love alone is enough to sustain this relationship.
Comments
You’re gonna have to learn how to talk to her about this stuff, and if that’s not enough, you’re gonna have to cut it off. You can’t change other people, so talk to them and go from there.
How long has your girlfriend been depressed or in a depressive episode? One or two things on your list may be just a setback and having a conversation with her on where she sees herself in the next year may be painful but necessary. But ALL the indicators of a depression loop is not very healthy. Unless her goal is to be a glorified trophy wife, something is wrong.
I go through horrible depression cycles where the thought of just breathing seems like a chore. I feel nothing. I have no ambition. I have no drive. I have no passion. I become a blanket potato because I simply don’t care enough to do anything. It’s not out of laziness. Every part of me wants to get up and do something. I just feel like a bystander watching my life go by. Completely detached. I can smile and laugh and love but it just doesn’t quite reach my heart or soul.