I am 33F and live in AZ with my boyfriend. We are in the process of buying a house and renovating it in addition to working long hours, etc etc. My dad 64M and mom 69F live in the northeast and have always had a rocky relationship, arguing and screaming at each other, ever since I was little but they never divorced. My dad always told me he stayed because he felt bad for my mom (who is kind of helpless in many ways) and he didn’t want me to have a bad life. He said he knew if they divorced, he was afraid the court would side with my mom and he wouldn’t get to see me.
On the surface, my mom seems like a normal functioning adult. She reminds me of Robin Williams- always entertaining everyone and making people laugh. She’s a character with her bright red hair, always wearing super colorful outfits, etc.. Everyone truly loves her. But when she’s at home, she can be a totally different person. She has a lot of physical health and mental health issues. The biggest ones are the bipolar disorder, depression and anxiety. She also was born with really poor balance/ depth perception, I think something to do with her ears, so she is kind of clumsy and will trip and fall often. She’s also got acid reflux, arthritis, type 2 diabetes, random stomach issues/ uncontrollable diarreah at least once a week, insomnia, chronic migraines, poor hearing, and I know I’m missing more.. the list goes on. Throughout my life, I just remember constant issues with her health. She would be in a depressive state where she would be in bed with migraines for days crying or somehow she’d get into another car accident and end up in the hospital. It was always something.
With all of these issues, she takes A LOT of medication which causes a lot of loopiness/ confusion and other side effects. She also takes super heavy sleeping pills and refuses to go to bed. She’ll craft all night in her craft room with flurescent lighting and then complain to her Dr that the pills don’t work. Her Drs are constantly changing the meds because something is interacting or something isn’t working well enough. It’s maddening. But then she’ll just cry nonstop for days and then I feel bad that maybe it’s true that they aren’t working. I’ve gone with her to Dr appointments to try to get a handle on the medication but the situation is so far gone that when we tried to remove/alter certain meds to see what can be done to make her less out of it, she went into a full bipolar depression spiral where she had to be watched 24/7. She even got lost leaving a grocery store which is across the street from our house last month. The craziest part about it is that the next day, she’ll be totally fine. So you literally never know what you are going to get with her. At this point, I don’t even know what to do and neither does my dad. This has been going on all my life. She is like a 90 year old in a 69 year olds body/mind. Today my dad told me that he felt like he’s taking care of his mom instead of his wife.
My dad and I have always dealt with it together but now I have my own life in a new state and my dad has been becoming more and more depressed dealing with it on his own for years. Don’t get me wrong, he is no saint either… I just went to go visit them and he was angry and yelling a lot. My relationship with him has struggled in recent years because he is just mad about everything it seems. There are also a bunch of struggles going on with his business and other related things that are just all going to shit. It’s to the point where I don’t even want to go visit because he’s so unpleasant to be around.
Most days now, my mom spends 24/7 in her craft room (when she is not bogged down by a depressive state or a chronic migraine). My dad feels like he has to handle most everything and I think he’s at the end of his rope. This may sound selfish. I DO want my dad to leave and be happy. He deserves that. BUT at the same time, that means I’m going to have to take full control of her since I’m an only child. I love my mom so much but I hate that I have to do that at 33 years old. I had to mother her when I was a kid. And I finally feel like I’ve had some independence from that these past years. I haven’t had a chance to have my own kids yet. Or get married. I’m trying to buy a house right now. Idk I simply cannot have her move in with me. When I’m around my parents, I become a terrible person. It seems like all the work I did in therapy goes out the window because those trauma triggers are pushed all at the same time over and over.
I need advice. What are the options if/when my dad leaves? He does not want to just leave her helpless with no where to turn. He genuinely cares about her but we have no plan for how to do this… Leaving her alone in the house long term probably isn’t a good option. She loves her independence but she doesn’t take care of things like paying bills or pausing her crafting to eat a meal… She’s very gullible and easy to take advantage of too. She does have sisters and brothers in the northeast but is it really fair to put that on them? They love her but they have lives too. She likely wouldn’t qualify for a nursing home since she’s fully capable and not sick most days. She would definitely refuse to live there too.
It’s just feeling more and more like this is all going to be on me. Any advice would be so appreciated.
TL;DR
My mom 69F has a lot of mental health issues that have been going on for my whole life. My dad 64M is at the end of his rope and doesn’t think he can take it anymore. I 33F am afraid that I’m going to have to move her in with me across the country and I don’t think I can handle that either. She is a fully functioning human but she just has a lot of random “episodes” which last any where from a day to a couple months where she feels like she can’t function due to her bipolar depression or medication issues. What are my options if my dad leaves?
Comments
You do not have to take over caring for your mom. Neither you nor your dad are responsible for being your mother’s nurse. If she won’t agree to move into assisted living or some other type of care housing (there are lots of elder communities where she could be independent but looked after), then she will have to figure out how to live on her own.
I think you have to have an open conversation between you and your dad about what he thinks will happen to your mom if he leaves – start there. And then based on that, maybe have a second conversation with her side of the family. There’s no easy answers but you can start with being completely honest and laying your cards on the table.
How did you come to the conclusion that your adult parent is either yours or your dad’s responsibility? Does your mother have any family? I’m assuming that if there was a divorce she would be provided for financially to some degree. You are at the age where you need to be leaving and cleaving, not doubling down on enmeshment.
Don’t give any indication that you would be open to her living with you. If your dad wants a divorce, they will have to decide how to divide their assets so that they are both able to live relatively stable lives. If your mom is not capable of paying a bill or making all her meals, perhaps some senior-oriented community would be helpful. In any discussions, I would not raise the possibility of her living with you, and if somebody brings up that idea, I would quickly shoot it down saying that you are trying to get your own life sorted out and build your own family.
Either she moves in with family (NOT you) or your dad can call elder care services and they can take over.
Has your dad considered getting a power of attorney? He could manage her care in terms of paying household bills and perhaps hire a part time “helper” that will assist with meals, cleaning the house & monitoring her.