i normally don’t take to the internet with this kinda stuff but i’m kinda at a loss and i don’t have friends that i feel can give me the right advice for this. both me and my boyfriend 20F and 20M and have been dating for about half a year now. he is the most amazing man in my life and i genuinely have never met anyone that i relate to and trust like i do with him. he is perfect in every single way except for this specific problem. I have been on birth control since 8th grade (started taking it for acne) and ever since i switched to a new one about 2 years ago, my libido has declined A LOT. I do have my moments of sparked libido but for the most part i could easily go weeks to even months with no sex and be fully content with that. my bf on the other hand has an extremely high drive and while he’s not super pushy about it, he does try to come onto me atleast once every other day. I usually give into it bc I DO find him sexually attractive and i do want to do those things, but sometimes (especially throughout the daytime) if he tries to start something, i have to shut it down and say no bc im just not in the mood.
when i do say no, he seems a bit hurt by it, and leaves me be after but he doesn’t try to say anything to make me feel bad or guilty it’s more of a trying to give me distance type of thing. but sometimes, he just kinda leaves me alone all day and gets a lil short and too distant and when i try to ask what’s wrong he’s like “i just want to give you space..” as if i told him to fuck off or something.
he tells me every now and then that i’m physically distant and it upsets him that i never initiate anything but the reality is im not in the mood a lot and if i am, he picks up on it pretty fast and initiates before i can.
i’m sorry if this is a bit all over the place, im kinda just emotion vomiting as i go here. I don’t know how i can fix this problem. everytime we talk abt it i say ill try to initiate but i just cant find the courage to before he does. and he makes these small jokes at me about how “i know you don’t ever wanna touch me,” and “it’s been 3 years since we’ve done anything,” (it’ll be like 4 days.) and it starts to really get to me bc now it just feels like if i DO initiate something, it’ll feel superficial and as if im only doing it because he asked.
idk if im being dramatic and should just bite the bullet and start something every now and then, even if i’m not really in the mood, but idk if that’s even the right move at this point.
TL;DR: my bf has a high sex drive that i can’t match and it upsets him that i never initiate any form of intimacy. idk how to make him happy while also not pushing my own boundaries.
if you read this far, thank you :’) please help
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if you do wanna compromise/attempt to find a solution i’d say switch to another BC & see if that may help. sexual incompatibility is super unfortunate & can cause people to breakup/divorce. y’all need to have a conversation and try to come up with solutions, compromises, something. do u feel emotionally supported by him? are all his hugs/cuddling/kisses expected to lead to sex? if no to 1 and yes to 2, that can most definitely lead us women to NOT want sex.
Wish I could remember where I saw it, but I remember a couple once who changed the question of am in the mood from yes/no, to a sliding scale. Like, 5 was totally in the mood ready to go, 4 I wasn’t thinking about it but I would be in the mood if we started, three is totally neutral, two would rather not but might be later, and one was absolutely no intention of having sex that day.
Maybe try to check in with yourself, and if you’re at a four or three, allow yourself to see where it goes?
As for initiating, you could try to have a signal to show that you’d like to be intimate sometime that day (hairband on your wrist, a certain piece of jewelry, whatever) so that even if you’re not sure how to start it, he can know that it’s something you truly want and is on your mind. And if you’re not wearing it, he could know it was unlikely for that day and it sort of takes the sting of rejection out of it (even if that is not really your intention, it might be how it is perceived)
Have you discussed this with your doctor? It’s worth seeing if that can help how you feel.
He is not handling it well. His actions of “giving you space” and leaving you alone makes it seem like he only wants to spend time with you if sex is involved, and that’s not okay. He also is making a big deal with his “jokes” and putting a lot of pressure on you, which can make you feel worse and even less likely to want to have sex.
I (22f) am in this exact same situation with my partner (21m). It’s insane how similar our stories are, I feel like I just read a post written by myself. I also started birth control in middle school for acne and have had a low libido ever since. Just like you, I have a hard time initiating anything even when I am in the mood, and my boyfriend usually takes the lead before I can work up the confidence to make a bold move. One the biggest struggles I run into is that since I have had a low libido since practically puberty, I never really learned how to initiate or got comfortable with it. My boyfriend and I have had a few recent conversations about how he really wants me to try to initiate more, because when he’s the one to do it every time it makes him feel like he’s the only one who wants it, and it makes him feel gross. Although I don’t have any solid answers for you, I hope it is at least comforting that you are not the only one in this situation. What I have been trying to do is be more intentional about intimacy and embrace the awkwardness of when I do try to initiate. Since I don’t have a strong drive, it’s easy to forget how important physical intimacy is for my partner, so putting an active intention into maintaining that aspect our of relationshiphas been really helpful. I’ve noticed that my boyfriend is generally just excited that I’m the one to make a move, and he doesn’t even notice how awkward I’m being. It is my hope that initiating will feel more natural the more I do it. Best of luck to you, I understand your struggle completely.