I’ve been with my current girlfriend, “Kate,” for 6 months. Our relationship is healthy, peaceful, and honestly going really well. We have aligned goals, values, and make each other laugh constantly. It’s been a comforting, fulfilling experience. We’ve fallen in love.
The problem is… I never fully healed from my previous relationship.
My ex, “Lilly,” and I dated for 5 years. We planned on getting married shortly after college. Our breakup happened after college. Life transitions, poor communication, stress. We handled it poorly. I was shattered. I tried to rebuild myself and move on. I was sleeping around a bit trying new things then I met Kate. We weren’t serious in the beginning but then things escalated FAST and we become official.
Then, last night, Lilly called me. She broke down crying because she found out about Kate and I. She said still deeply in love with me, can’t imagine a life with anyone else, and has never felt right with anyone since me. She said I’m irreplaceable.
(Context: we chatted here and there for months. Apparently she was waiting for me to pursue her and thought I was going to but I didn’t because I wanted her to reach out. Poor communication.)
That conversation completely broke my emotional foundation. Since then, I’ve been flooded with all those old feelings. I still love her. But that being said, we have been apart almost a yr. We are different people now. If I leave Kate and pursue Lily I’m taking a major gamble. Am I willing to drop something good for something that might be better?
Today I spoke with a crisis counselor because this has been weighing so heavily. She told me to give it no more than 2 weeks, then make a decision based on how I feel that day. She even related with her own story very similar story how she chose her ex again and had no regrets.
Here’s where I’m stuck:
I still feel something profound for Lilly. It scares me how real it feels, even after almost a year apart.
But I’m in a solid relationship with Kate. I would’ve moved forward if Lilly hadn’t called.
I fear losing a future I imagined with Lilly.
Choosing Kate is comfortable and emotionally safe, but it also might mean walking away from something once-in-a-lifetime.
If Lilly and I try again, it’s forever no more breakups and she knows that. But it would mean hurting Kate in a way I can’t undo. It would feel sudden and unfair to her, and she’s done nothing wrong. She doesn’t know what’s going on.
My strongest gut feeling is thinking about that “what if” if I don’t explore my ex. I truly feel like it is destiny.
I know I did this to myself. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I don’t want anyone to be hurt. Please provide advice if you have any or especially if you have been in a similar situation!
Thanks
TL;DR: Torn between ex of 5 years and current girlfriend of 6 months. Ex came back, confessed deep love, and stirred unresolved emotions. Current gf is loving and stable. I love both. Don’t want regrets. Struggling to choose.
Comments
If you can’t choose between the two of them, then choose neither of them. They both deserve to be with someone who is fully committed to them. And you deserve to be in a relationship where you know that person is the only person you want to be with.
Lilly only wanted you when you were no longer available to her. That “no more breakups” line is absolute bullshit and she’ll bounce as soon as the novelty wears off and your old relationship problems resurface. Remember, you broke up for a reason.
Either way, you should break up with Kate. She deserves better than to waste time with someone who would write this post.
I think someone like your girlfriend who is healthy, stable and peaceful, so presumably also drama-free and good at commitment, would probably benefit from someone who is able to reciprocate her commitment without the interference of a third party and a partner who is on the fence about her. Your relationship is not as solid as you think it is, and you have not moved on from your past relationship, if you are struggling to decide between your girlfriend and your ex.
Does your current girlfriend sound more mature and a better communicator than your ex? Yes, but at this point I don’t think that’s the issue. The issue is you’ve already made your mind up about who you’d prefer to be with (you describe your ex like a fairytale and your current girlfriend like you’re setting up a LinkedIn profile for her) and if you were in her shoes I don’t think you’d be thrilled if she told you she’d been umming and ahhing about the one that got away but decided to go against her heart and stay with you because you’re the more practical, less risky choice.
I don’t get the impression that you’ll be able to forget what your ex has said to you, let go of that imagined future together, or be willing to cut contact with her. So for that reason my advice to you is let go of your current girlfriend so she can find someone who matches her stability and commitment, and pursue your ex. It might not even work out, but you can’t have your cake and eat it too.
You can’t avoid the “what if” feeling by picking either of them. If you choose Lilly, you’ll wonder about Kate any time things get rough. And Lilly seems a bit manipulative to reach out now, when she hears that you’re happy.
When we were getting serious, my ex-husband got a message from an ex-girlfriend basically saying she had never stopped thinking about him. He responded expressing interest, and she never responded after that. She just wanted the ego boost of know she could have him if she wanted.
When I found out, it caused a lot of issues, and we spent A LOT of time in therapy working through it. It wasn’t the main reason we divorced, but it definitely eroded my trust to know that he was willing to throw what we had away for someone else.
If you’re not fully committed to Kate, break up with her. Whether you end up with Lilly or not, Kate deserves to be with someone who is certain they want to pursue a future with her.