Hey guys,
My girlfriend (28F) and I (29M) are considering moving in together, but we’re in very different financial situations. She’s well-off, and I’m currently broke (working on it, but it’ll take time). She’s generously offered to cover the full security deposit (€4k), buy all the furniture, and split rent 50/50 (which I can afford), with me paying her back monthly for the upfront costs in installments.
On paper, this sounds fair—but I’ve got a gut feeling telling me not to do it. Here’s why:
-Nothing will feel like “ours”: She’s buying 99% of everything, so the apartment will essentially be hers—I’m just a tenant paying her back.
-Power imbalance: Even if she doesn’t mean to, money = control. If she’s funding everything, will I feel like I owe her explanations for my spending? Will she resent me if I buy something “unnecessary” (like a new game) while paying her back? I know I’m not in a good financial situation, but I’m human and have moments of weakness.
- Pressure & resentment: I’m worried I’ll feel trapped, indebted, and scrutinized, which could poison the relationship over time.
I think the smarter move is to wait until I’ve saved enough to contribute more equally (which is difficult because I live paycheck to paycheck). But she’s eager to move in, and I don’t want to seem ungrateful or paranoid. I’ll also stay broke for a long time, since after my studies I want to do a phd before working 100%.
1. Has anyone been in this situation? Did money dynamics ruin the relationship?
2. Should I try to 're-label' the 'paying back' thing as in: "I can take care of the bills for a while until the debt is cleared"? I think this could ease the situation.
3.Or maybe tell her straight away that, until I've paid half the deposit, the apartment will stay with her? - which is obvious, but saying it could bring some sort of security to her (and to me)
- How can I explain this to her without sounding like a douche?
- Any alternatives (e.g., cheaper place, different split)?
TL;DR: Wealthier GF wants to move in together and cover most costs, with me paying her back. I’m worried it’ll create a bad power dynamic. Should I wait until I’m more financially stable?
Edit: for better understanding