Hi everyone, I know a lot of people were asking for an update so I wanted to let you all know how things are going.
Since my last post, my fiancé has found a therapist he likes and has been going to individual therapy! He wants to do couples counseling in the future but says he wants to start with individual first. It’s been great as this has given him both a good place to discuss his issues and has also shown me that he wants to work on the situation.
We’ve taken a lot of time to reconnect and just enjoy our lives without worrying about his family drama or the wedding. We’re much happier now and going NC with his parents has really lifted a weight off of our shoulders. It used to feel like it was constantly looming over us and now we feel closer and less stressed all the time. We also had a lot of other big life decisions/changes going on during the family drama which added to the stress and removing his parents from the situation has allowed us to focus on those things and we don’t feel as overwhelmed anymore. Things have been a lot better and I feel like we’re moving in the right direction.
In my last post, I shared how his sister called my fiancé and said she was sad he didn’t share with her that he was planning to propose. My fiancé has talked to his therapist about this and explained to me that he was upset by this because it made him feel like she was saying he was responsible for making her sad and it’s his responsibility to make her happy (by sharing enough personal details and being able to mind read what those details are supposed to be). He thinks it’s unfair because she doesn’t share much with him. She also knows and acknowledges that he isn’t a big sharer yet she doesn’t ask him about his life or the things that she expects him to share. She also didn’t propose any solutions to the problem which made him feel like she was putting all the responsibility on him to fix the situation.
Some people commented that we should expect her to feel this way because she was raise by FMIL but the odd thing is that she has complained to us about how their parents always criticize her for not sharing enough and she hates it. That would make you think she would get it but who knows. My fiancé has spoken to his therapist about how to address this with his sister and he is planning to do so.
His sister actually visited us recently and it was very pleasant. The situation with his parents weren’t brought up at all which was nice. She did ask about our plans for the wedding and we shared some minor ideas but we really haven’t planned anything and nothing is set in stone which we told her. Both my fiancé and I were glad that we were able to spend time with her without their parents being brought up and that she has respected our boundary about that.
As for his parents, they’ve been silent since my last post until today. Which is funny because I was excited to give a happy update and share how things have been going better. But I guess it was silly to assume they would leave my fiancé alone.
FMIL messaged my fiancé today and said “are you ever going to speak to us again or have you decided your life is better without us”
FFIL then sent his own message “I heard your mother messaged you, I wish she hadn’t. I want to know how I can help you, I miss talking to you.”
This made my fiancé upset. He was very upset about his mom’s message. He said she clearly hasn’t learned anything from all the past conversations we’ve had and she’s still not taking responsibility for her wrong doings.
He feels bad for his father, but FFIL is acting clueless as to what is wrong or what he can do to mend the situation when that has already been explained in the past conversations. My fiancé was debating responding to his father but ultimately decided not to because he doesn’t think responding will help the situation and he knows whatever he says to his dad will get back to his mom and that will only set her off more.
Their messages have deeply upset him and I feel awful. Things have been going so well and this seemed to ruin his day. I’m not sure how or if there’s anything more I can do to support him. I’ve told him I’m here for him no matter what he decides to do and that I support whatever relationship he chooses to have with his family. He says he knows the decisions he’s making to be NC and not respond to their messages are the right choices, but he still feels like shit. I wish there was a way I could make him not feel like that but I’m starting to wonder if the only way that will happen is if his parents stop acting like this.
Thank you to everyone who reached out or commented! All the kind words and advice was much appreciated! It saddens me that many other people have had similar experiences but it’s nice to feel supported and understood.