I (25F) have been in a relationship with a man (26M) for 6 months. We met through a mutual hobby a couple years ago, while I was dating my toxic ex, and I felt an instant click. We also used to go to university together for the same program. I knew I had to eventually ask him out, but I’m not a cheater, so I had to wait until I could free myself.
It’s been going so, so well. I feel such a healthy and intimate bond with him. We are both really nerdy, and I feel comfortable being myself around him. He is a very emotionally intelligent man and we have strong communication. We also have identical sex drives, and a very similar love language (we write each other silly letters and bake for each other). He also gives me a good sense of individuality. I can spend time with my friends, or work on my career, without ever having to worry about him getting upset. My friends and parents approve of him, when they did not approve of my ex. Obviously it’s too early to tell, but I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him. He’s very sweet and our future views seem to align really well. We are truly in love with each other. I am taking things slow and steady as to not mess this up.
The problem is, I dumped my abusive boyfriend a few months before I started dating him. I was emotionally and physically checked out years before. I had 0 attraction to that man, and I still don’t. He was a manipulative cheater who started arguments over the pettiest things. He would also yell at me and hurt me verbally. He got with me when I had just turned 18, and he was 23. The relationship lasted 7 years and we lived together.
I can’t really describe our relationship, it wasn’t healthy, even from the start. He was my first boyfriend. I was delusional and thought that arguments and misaligning views = love. I thought that was what people meant when they said relationships had to be worked on. I fell into a deep, deep depression during the relationship.
Now, it comes up in conversation A LOT, and I realize I should’ve had more alone time to process these emotions from my past relationship. I didn’t, because I was so scared of fucking up my chances with my current boyfriend (who I had a massive crush on). His response to these feelings is validating. He and I make fun of my ex, he reassures me that it’s over and I never have to be treated like that again. But I have overwhelming guilt for bringing it up so often.
How can I process my last relationship while in another relationship? I’m in therapy already, just looking for another outlet. I don’t know if I should keep talking about it or try spending more time with myself.
Sidenote, my ex knows that I’m dating my new partner now, and has been trying to spread rumors about us on social media. I’m not worried or firing back because I don’t care, and what he’s doing is immature. Any advice on this too?
TLDR: In a wonderful relationship with an emotionally mature man. Everything is great, but I think too much about how I’ve been wronged by my toxic ex in the past. I got with my boyfriend shortly after breaking up with my ex. I bring it up in conversation a lot and I’m insecure about that, wondering if that will harm our relationship in the long run. Also, my ex is still out to get me online.
Comments
It sounds like the relationship still has a huge impact you – tbh this is par for the course. I was in a very similar situation and I realized that I think about that relationship so much because it was the worst fucking state of my being I will ever have to experience. I think about it when I’m happy, esp all the time wasted. I think about it when I’m sad, and tell myself I’m in such a better relationship now. Maybe try talking to a friend about it. My two best friends heard about this guy for MONTHS until one day we never said his name again